.unsaid

I am not okay;
never was.
.ᴇ ɴ ɪ ɢ ᴍ ᴀ

I have said it. A couple too many times. I have said it in metaphors, translating in words that I didn’t even understand and in between the lines, or perhaps all is lost in translation.. But at the core of the things, it is still there. And I have said it way too many times or that’s how I feel. I am still here trying to say, let me rephrase.. I am trying to express in words that apparently don’t reach the people. I am not being cautious, perhaps I am scared. Or perhaps, I don’t know how to do it, how to say it bluntly. I will beat around the bush but I will not say it as it should be said, out loud, crystal clear.

May be that is why I can’t ever feel content with it, content with writing it off and hoping that it will do it’s magic of not making a permanent house in my mind. But, I am at loss of words. Writing was always my solace, my way of letting the things go and hoping that the new day that follows will be less burdened and also refreshing. Imagine the day when we don’t worry about yesterday and looking forward to great day that is to follow. How beautiful the sunshine will be, how melodious those birds chirp, how clear the sky is and how great the morning glory feels like. And in all adversity, how happy we will be, from the inside.

img_2260

While I write this, I have hit the backspace a little too much. I might as well have published with the words that I backspaced. I don’t know why! I don’t know why I am so unsure about writing about what I really want to write. I wonder if I am bothered by something that I am having second thoughts on how to put it in writing. I am sure nothing is bothering me. And I think I don’t just want to write them down. I don’t want me to validate it by writing it down. I just don’t want to sign it off as exactly what it is. Because as hopeless and crass I might be, I will try to look for that tiny lost hope that it will all get better soon. That, things will change and I won’t be in this place where I currently am at. You might… let me rephrase, I am not but I think I am a little superstitious. I don’t like things getting jinxed, as in like if I tell something bad, it will definitely happen, and if I say something good, it will never happen. I have this superpower that I control the world, my world. I just have to think of it, the good or the bad and it will happen, just the one I really don’t want to.

I have written about it. I continue to write about it. But at some point, it feels repetitive. Like the earlier few lines. But today I will “really” write it. Hopefully, I won’t bring any metaphors or hide between the lines!

I am in pain, mentally and emotionally. I am hurt on the inside. I have felt hurt for as long I can remember. But I put on a façade and tell everyone that I am okay. No! I am not! I am not okay! I never was, am, and I don’t know whether I ever will be. There is a commotion inside, and that never settles. The mind is restless. While things happen and people console that it is alright since it happens for a good reason, you try to calm that restlessness in the mind. It feels better to know that there is a greener side and that there will be a knock on the door called opportunity. While the mind doesn’t stay calm for long, another thing happens, and there are voices it is for the good. I calm the mind saying that it is just round the corner. While I am in these phases, I write it down. Because writing is my solace. And I end writing that painful post about the pain that the mind is in, that I am in, while I start to feel a bit relieve and feeling that peace approacing me, there is another thing that happens. And I repeat the whole process over and again, hoping that one day it will just end. And honestly, I am getting tired of trying to write about this everytime, differently every time. I have a whole book with pages filled with this and I wonder is this how it is going to be, for the rest of the life! Is this anyway how life should be? That metamorphical rock that I keep carrying just keeps getting heavier. At one point, I just might collapse and there is no coming back when it does!

______

.ᴇ ɴ ɪ ɢ ᴍ ᴀ

146 thoughts on “.unsaid

  1. I can see the old me in your words. Exactly my thoughts you can actually read it on my blog. Though I wasn’t good at writing elaborative stuff I always portrayed it in my poems. So I know exactly what you’re feeling. I used to say the same thing about writing being my ultimate solace but everyday I kept writing and for that moment it felt ok to put everything on the paper when it wasn’t ok. I wasn’t ok. I needed help but wasn’t comfortable asking for it. Was on treatment still wasn’t happy. I wasn’t happy with anything. Nothing made me happy. But now I am in a good place. So if you need help. I’ll help you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ohmygosh I love this. Hope all is okay?
    Every line was so beautiful, and I think, almost everyone can relate with this, cause it’s just how things are.
    The unsaid things are the most piercing things, despite their silence.

    Liked by 3 people

    • I am glad you like this. 😊

      I would say “Yes, everything is okay”, but then I would be lying. That’s not what I want to do. Hence, the post, not to leave it unsaid or lie about things. But I am pulling through, or trying to, so I guess I am making progress. And thanks for asking. 😊

      I had hoped that no one would relate to this, since it is not such a good place to be in.
      Yes, sometimes the things are so but we are strong enough to fight through it.

      And yes, they are indeed piercing, aren’t they?

      Thank you for reading and your thoughts. Really appreciate it. 😊

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Enigma dear, please be okay.
    This is so beautiful and painful to read but I can’t stop myself at the same time, because believe me you’re not alone in this.
    You’re. Not. Alone.

    You’re a phenomenal writer, a talented gem and I really hope you feel better soon. You deserve to be happy, to feel loved and cared for, to feel like you have a purpose in life and to feel inspired to write.
    Keep smiling and more importantly, hoping, Eni because it will all be better.
    -Megha 💜

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey Megha,

      Thank you very much. You’re very kind.

      I will be okay. *Fingers crossed*
      I am glad that you liked it. I write it for two reasons, one to convey what I did in the post; two, to find people if at all they are in the same place as I’m.

      So let me start by thanking you again. Thank you for being the support. I really appreciate it.

      Also, thanks for the praises about my writing.
      I hope so too. And thank you very much once again. You are the sweetest person I have come across.
      Always be like this, happy and inspiring. Take care. 😊

      – enigma

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m right here if you need me 🙂
        I want you to know that you’re valued and thought of. You’re amazing.

        You will be far better than okay, I know it. You’ll be more than fine, I know it. That’s just how life is supposed to be.

        “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” ❣️

        Lots of love and hugs.
        -Megha 💜

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you so much.
        You are too kind. And I completely understand.

        I hope the same. And thanks for your words and confidence. And also inspiring.

        That’s a good quote.

        Thanks for the love and hugs. Really appreciate the gesture. 😊

        Take care.

        – enigma

        Liked by 1 person

  4. This is a masterpiece. I could see myself in every word that you wrote. It needs courage to express what what really feels. We are habituated to masking our unpleasant emotions in flowery words. But penning those blunt words is something that every writer dreads. I wish you well, my friend.
    Love always, Myrtle

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I feel the same.
    And then I see so many people in the comment section relating to this,and feel I am not alone. Everyone is going through something, circumstances differ but pain is pain.
    I wish all of your good dreams to come true someday, not just the bad ones( the same thing happens with me too) There is an end to this darkness, we can’t see it now but we’ll someday. It would feel good to write about happiness once in a while.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am sorry to hear that.

      I had hoped that no one felt the same.
      And though, it was one reason for the people who are in a sort of pain to know that they are not alone. Together we can help each other out and make the best out of that so called pain.

      Thank you. You are too kind.

      I hope the same too that the someday is not far along.

      It would be good about happiness, but I don’t want to fake it, like I am normally doing.

      Thank you for your kind words. And I really appreciate your words. Thanks once again.

      Take care.
      Stay blessed. 😊

      Like

  6. As usual I had to scroll down and down and down to get my chance to comment!!
    Finally I saw light, if you know what I mean. 🙂 🙂
    I m confident that you too will see the light at the end of your tunnel.
    I admire your courage. Keep up your spirits dear Enigma. We are all just a message away.
    🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Sometimes it’s better to left some words unsaid because I’ve tried it so many times and I’m being misunderstood 😑. So when I started to become quiet, it turns out better. I don’t know. Sometimes if I can’t get the right words out, I’d rather zip my mouth.
    —-
    You’re never alone. You can always talk to me. I just don’t understand why we always end up debating on something. Can we just not love each other for once? 😂 like a friendly love? ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • It is always better to leave some words unsaid. The world will be a little more quieter … I mean a calmer place.
      It’s circumstantial then. I see. 🙂

      __

      Thank you. I know that and thanks for being too kind. I think someone quoted me as a “cold philosophical guy”. May be that’s why?
      We already do. But you ‘questioning’… I mean asking the same puts it in a doubt. 🙂

      Like

      • 😑 That’s what I mean. I’ll just zip my mouth.

        You’re always Philosophical.

        And did you even understand when she said cold? Or did you just left the conversation again like always? 😑

        Like

      • Okay. If that’s what you want to do.

        Always? I see. Glad that you cleared that up. And my apologies for the same. If that’s makes you feel any better.

        Apparently, I just realised that I had slept. But please go ahead and assume.
        And I didn’t ask for an explanation then , I don’t want now. But thanks anyway for pointing out. Since, I am cold, I would have to behave the same.

        You have a nice day. And I hope that you don’t feel anymore coldness.
        Take care.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’m sorry Enigma. I didn’t mean to hurt you when I said, you’re cold. But I already explained it to you why.. I hope you understand that..

        Sending you hugs to keep you warm..

        so moving on.. feel free to message me anytime if you want someone to talk with.. Take care!

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Hey! For a long time, I was ashamed of talking about my problems and I felt like my words were better left unsaid. I felt like people wouldn’t understand me and see me in a different light. I tried telling people that I wasn’t okay but they’d keep telling me that everything would be fine and it felt like they were trivializing my problems and I guess I hated that. I hated how the people I loved were so insensitive about my pain. Eventually, I withdrew and decided to stop talking to people entirely. A really good online friend and my dad helped me through all of this. Blogging helped me tremendously too. I write in an attempt to heal and sometimes, it feels good to get the negative emotions out. It’s painful and hard sometimes but I think it’s necessary to heal. I think I’m in a better place now because I don’t exactly expect people to understand me and I’m trying to be happy on my own. It’s working so far and sorry for the really long comment.. I don’t like talking to people when I’m sad so I get you but I just wanted to say that I’m here to talk if you’re ever feeling down.

    Regards, Mvadi

    Liked by 2 people

    • I am really glad to know that you are in a much better place. I hope it just keeps getting better.

      And I understand completely what you mean and how you overcame it. I am really happy for you. Thanks for sharing what you had gone through. It just inspires me that things will eventually get better, hopefully soon.

      No need to apologise for the long comment. I love them. Keep them coming, I mean in future posts.

      Thank you for being kind. I will definitely reach out when I need someone to talk to. That’s very kind of you.

      Take care. And stay blessed. 😊

      Regards
      enigma

      Like

    • I believe so.
      But what if I can’t fight these battle any longer?

      Words have flown and have been flowing, but there is no respite, is what I was trying to say, nor did the things change.

      But thanks, I understand what you mean. 🙂

      Like

      • Yes, perhaps you have exhausted your solace.
        Perhaps you should consider taking a break from all the worldly practices and spend some time with yourself.
        And never give up — often things change drastically just when you think you are going to lose the battle!
        You never know 😉
        Life is full of surprises!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Perhaps, I have.
        I have been spending time with myself for the past decade. So, I think that’s a good deal of time for self reflection.

        I am glad that you are full of optimism and trying to pass it along. But I have been down way too many times that I don’t the good optimism working on me. I am sorry about that.

        Yes, Life indeed is full of surprises. Just waiting for it.

        Also, thanks for your positivity. I hope it rubs a little on me.

        Like

      • More than optimism, it is about faith. Faith that I will be able to pull myself out of this phase.
        You seem have had enough struggles of your own, so if you got past them, have faith that you will get past this too.
        What I’m trying to pass on is beyond optimism, it is about believing in yourself. If you think surging time with yourself has not worked, try doing it differently. Go on a trip with yourself, get lost in a random place and see if you can get out of!
        Try things you’ve never tried, try something new!
        But keep trying.
        How will you know if you haven’t tried?

        Liked by 1 person

      • I understand what you are trying to tell and I very well know that one need to faith in themselves that they will get through this, one way or the other.

        Thank you. That was quite reassuring. Yes, I have had a fair share of struggles and I should be able to get past any that I might come across.

        Ah, I see what you are saying. I should probably get out of my comfort zone and do something that I have never done before.

        Yeah, keep trying.

        Touche.

        Like

      • Yes, maybe a new experience can help you get over this stasis in your life, and maybe it can help you get back to your original solace!
        Good luck 🙂
        And take care.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh my God. That’s so heartbreakingly sad, this post. And, so much raw honesty, AK.
    I am sorry if I ever made you feel like your pain wasn’t worth pondering over. I am coming to realise I do that unknowingly, and often. Dismissing other’s pain as nothing but a figment of their imagination. Especially by trying to impose my “words of hope and faith” on whoever would stop and listen. Sometimes it’s just not the right time. Sometimes we need to live with the pain for it to heal instead of trying to force ourselves to move past it.
    Having said that, even though it might feel like there’s no coming back, you will find a way back from the sadness and hurt. It may take time, but it will happen. Some day.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yup. I was tired of writing the same over and over and adding the rosy ending at each post that hope still lives. But when I have never seen it.

      No. You never made me feel so. So you don’t have to apologise, for anything as a matter of fact.
      I don’t know how often you do that, but realisation goes a long way.
      It’s true that we need to live with the pain for it to heal. But what if the pain, the wound gets cut deeper and deeper? Will the pain reduce?

      Hope us something that’s fading. Hence when people say there’s a way back, I find it really hard to believe.
      Time. Ah, how much time is the question here. If it takes an eternity, what’s the point even?

      Like

      • I get it. The breaking point was reached and the fragmentation was glorious. Wasn’t it? Getting it out, the satiation was unlike any other?

        I tend to do that without realising how my words might affect the other party. I recognized this act recently. I will try to work on this. Seeing as I want my words to help people around me and not make them burst into tears, I have a long way to go.

        Then the salve we are applying is not appropriate. And, it’s going to hurt like hell till we don’t find the right medicine. So, no. The pain won’t reduce. It might be a huge gaping hole just ready to become infected and it might be disgusting to look at, and it might bring out the waterworks, but I hope we will find a good doctor who will stitch it up with neat and tidy stitches and give us the antibiotics to avoid the infection. And, even though there will be scars the stitches leave behind, the wound will heal and the new, pink skin will replace the old, rotting one, and it will be alright again.

        Do my analogies even make sense? Do they get my point across or do I start with an entirely different point altogether? It’s so confusing.

        I know. You have said that before. You have no hope left for it to turn out alright in the end. And, I honestly don’t know what’s the right response anymore. I don’t know if I should assure you that you will find it again. Or if I should tell you there’s no saying what will happen. I won’t impose my hopes on you anymore. I don’t know your story. I don’t know your pain.
        But, well, I have some of it left. And, I hope it will turn out well for you.

        Touché. There’s no right answer. It might be a few months or a few years. Or it might as well be an eternity. And, an eternity is too long a time to wait. Though I hope you won’t have to wait an eternity.:’)

        Like

      • *repetitive Hence,No satiation. It feels more burden and the fragmented ones are more painful than ever.

        I’m not sure about how you do that but I have never felt so.

        What the what now? Yes. You analogies make sense. Request you to use a bit simpler ones. I get what you’re saying. That everything will be alright and despite all the things, the scars will still be there. Yeah. All this is great. But unless I see some change, these words mean nothing to me.

        There’s no saying what will happen. The future is uncertain, the things that happen to us are uncertain, we can’t tell with confidence what we can s left tomorrow. All we hope is that it turns out good. That is all I am asking as well. There’s no story for me. It’s just that I have no hope left to look forward to. Makes sense.
        You’re kind enough to offer. But you can’t help someone who is a stubborn asshole who refuses to see the brighter picture.

        Exactly. There’s no certainty. Like hope. And faith could be the only constant thing, but I don’t seem to have that either.

        Like

      • Whoa. I thought it would be comforting to know you have rid yourself of a burden too heavy by letting it all out. And, it would be almost a good kind of pain, like, when you get a kid to stand on your legs after you worked out a little too hard. Guess I am wrong on both accounts.

        Understood. Simplicity is the way to go.

        I am sure they don’t. You want proof. I am borrowing this from an earlier discussion. You want to see results before investing in this scheme.

        I am coming to understand that sometimes seeing the brighter picture isn’t the easiest of tasks. Especially after the truckload of disappointments. Maybe you will accept one day. Some day.

        Sigh
        Someone recently said something that has stuck with me in regard to that. A person can’t have faith unless they see miracles happening. Asking them to put their faith in something they haven’t seen any effort from is the stupidest thing.
        We go to a well-known doctor because we know of instances where they treated ailments, either ours or someone else’s whose word we trust. Do we ever experiment with a newbie doctor whose clinic opened a week ago? No, we don’t. And, this doesn’t mean they aren’t a good doctor. We just don’t trust them with issues pertaining to our life without knowing how they will fare because they have not given us any reason to trust them yet.
        Basically, it’s putting too much pressure on you to ask you to put your faith in an entity you believe has failed you all your life. Maybe you will come to trust it if it helps you. Or maybe you won’t ever visit it because it didn’t treat you well, and people it did treat well, you don’t trust enough.
        Sooo, as you said, it’s uncertain. We can’t predict how this will turn out. But, again, I hope it turns out well.

        Like

  10. You did it again. Afraid that you might jinx it, you didn’t say it out loud. You kept it hidden somewhere from where it would keep knocking at your little red door and no amount of words or metaphors are going to send it away. I relate to this so much because it also feel that I keep repeating what’s already been said because it keeps coming back.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Hey,
    Good to see you nd read your posts . I think after pouring your insights , you feel better than before . Sometimes, we don’t need advice but a heart to listen . So , here we all are listening whatever you want to say .
    Feel safe nd relaxed.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. apparently you’re an enigma! no doubt!

    reading your post i just started to think about my life! and after reading it, i just came to know my mentality towards my present state! of being in pain! and you know what my mentality says? that there’s a kick in being broken because atleast you wont be idle as you’ll have to collect all your broken pieces! 😛 😛 😛 😛 😛 😛

    you helped me find my mentality! see i said you earlier, you’re an intellect! 😉 😉 😛 😛 😛 😀 😀 😀

    Like

  13. “I am in pain, mentally and emotionally. I am hurt on the inside. I have felt hurt for as long I can remember. But I put on a façade and tell everyone that I am okay. No! I am not! I am not okay! I never was, am, and I don’t know whether I ever will be. There is a commotion inside, and that never settles. The mind is restless. “….. I can relate to every single word.. it is like you read my mind and penned it down.

    Liked by 1 person

    • As glad I should be that you could relate to this, I had hoped that no one ever did. I am sorry about that. And I hope that everything will get better on your end, if not already.

      I look forward to learn from you how you walked past this and ended on the greener side.

      Take care. 🙂

      Like

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