Normal

Celebration is as contagious as a warm smile.
-Enigma

The sun was just bright and  warm while the wind a bit chilly. The soft light dispersed rays danced to a distant hymn. The sound of the bells resonated in the sunlit room. There was a pleasant air that flowed so effortlessly. An array of colored lights played in a not so distant over the boxes covered in shiny wrappers. It seemed like a theme of red, white and green. The air was filled  with an aroma of  delicious food while a houseful of people immersed themselves in prayers, wishes and songs. The children ran all around in excitement waiting eagerly to open their presents. Songs played in the background resonating an ambience of a joyous celebration. The rejuvenating smiles warming the hearts with their pleasantries as the atmosphere turned festive with every passing moment.

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The music was  loud, the sound repeating itself and growing louder with each passing moment. An alarm, perhaps which was clearly not being attended to. The sun tried its’ best to fill the room through the small gap through the curtain, yet it failed to brighten the room. The shadow was the shortest at this time in the bright sunny afternoon, and yet the room radiated a monochromatic ambience. The phone blinked with a few wishes scrolling across the screen, none of which was even read properly. The untidy bed and the dark room lay still in an otherwise bright sunny day. A door opened and the bright sunlight illuminated the alleged cozy room. A distant music made way into the dull somber room. People with bright new dressed happily greeting each other made their presence while the kids ran around with their new gifts. There was laughter, there was happiness and that joy that each one was radiating was extremely contagious. The atmosphere was festive. And then the people settled to sing the jingl… The same door was slammed shut. The  slowly brightening otherwise gloomy room now turned back to reflect the somberness. There was no light again. Just darkness and  a huge void.

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Wishing you a very happy and prosperous new year.
Have a great one, like always.

The Wait

“Not knowing is far worse than knowing what was wrong.”

Have you ever been in a dilemma where you want to say everything , but don’t. Because you are not sure how the person you want to say everything to would react. And that, their reaction is what scares you the most. And this being scared feeling eats you up inside, slowly. Then one moment you sit and write it all down and then again wonder just before finally hitting ‘send’, you don’t . You delete the whole thing because you don’t even want to send it by mistake and later regret, so you delete it completely. But you wonder that it might have turned it all right, if you had just sent that message. Because not knowing is far worse than knowing what was wrong, if there was anything at all. But then again, you feel that this confused state of mind is a much better place to be than making the worse of the two alternatives happen. Maybe everything is all okay. Maybe you are just over thinking. Maybe it is all in your head. You console yourself that everything is just normal.

Then one day, later the same very day, you just can’t handle this confusion that the mind is creating. The dilemma is just taxing on your work and in turn it is affecting you in more ways than you think it isn’t. And you realize that your heart is sinking and that it is being pulled down as if it is getting heavier with each moment that you are contemplating. You feel that it is not strong enough to handle such pressure; the pressure of not-knowing, the pressure of what might, the pressure of what if, the pressure of this dilemma, and everything combined. So, you sit down and search for that previously deleted text. You write it all over again anyway, trying to choose the right words but that taxing of your mind by that pressure just doesn’t let you have a proper train of thought. But somehow you write that heartfelt, or to be precise whatever is weighing you down, and finally send it, after contemplating for a few hours.

You regret immediately for even sending the message. May be it was too short, or may be it was too much, maybe it was inappropriate, but you shouldn’t have sent that in the first place.  You curse yourself for sending. Oh god, what have you done? How can i undo this? Shit! Shit! Shit! You even feel the whole universe seems to say so. You hold your head in your hands for making that mistake. But yet, you wait. You wait for a reply. Each second feels like an hour and each ticking sound of your watch makes you more and more nervous. You are this close to having a nervous breakdown. And then the status change to “Online“. Your heart skips a beat. You start to sweat. The message is now in read state. And you can feel your heart in your mouth. And yet you wait. You wait for a reply. There is none. A few seconds pass away, and yet there is no reply. You wait for more time, perhaps she is writing a lengthy reply. Or maybe it wasn’t well received and this was the end of it. And despite all that’s weighing you down, you cling to that tiny thread of hope. You keep clinging to that thread which seems to be breaking off. But there is no reply, and you find yourself falling down and everything seems to flash in front of your eyes, but you still don’t know what was the thing that you did was wrong and led to this distance. Even during that fall, your mind is making all the scenarios to make sense of all this that left you in splits. You cruse your overthinking stupid brain. And gradually, you die of overthinking and anticipation and all that overwhelming feelings. But, but.. that dilemma still haunts you even after.

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P.S. I haven’t written for a while. It has literally been ages, since I wrote. I haven’t been able to bring myself to write. I have lost that train of thought and what  I earlier thought made it more broken. But I hope to get back to it, as soon as possible. I really apologize for not being able to read any of the blog posts. I really look forward to doing it from now on.