Solitude

The world faded in vibrant shades of people, the commotion increasing with each cheer, a smile here, a hug there, a shout here, a fist bump there.  The crowd got a little more momentum when more people joined the celebration as the music blared in the background. The ground vibrated with the joy of people dancing in their highest spirits. The air was filled with the spirit of what the people shared with each other, the bond that was so unique, pure and selfless; Friendship and Love. There was just happiness floating all around, the warmth that radiated from the heart.

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He stood there amidst the crowd as the people swarmed all around him. The feeling seemed contagious as he too was transpired in the moment and felt part of that celebrating crowd, high in their spirits; happy and content. The stars glittered ever so bright over the dome of endless sky. He loved to see how people enjoyed, and celebrated life. The happy faces were a sight to watch, the feeling shared among them was worth a memory. He didn’t dance like they did, he didn’t have company like they did, he didn’t feel what they felt, but all he did was try to sink that feeling in, something that he never had the pleasure of.

The clouds slowly engulfed the bright specks in the sky as the crowd slowly faded away to their next celebration. As the music played its last beat, the only sound that reverberated was the sound of his breath in an empty field. Of all that had happend that night, he knew this, the feeling that the ground underneath had; empty, he knew it way too well; and the sound, the silence that spread across the vastness, he knew it like he craved for it. And as reality sink in, he walked back to his home, alone, to his solitude.

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A Desert.

Endless mountains wrapped in lush greenery
Under the dome of countless stars
A million dreams drifted in the river
Through the charades of euphoria

Amidst the chaos of life
Flowed a stream
Brimming with hope and dreams
As dry as a desert.

Stories they told once, about
The pain of yesteryear
The fear of tomorrow
With each suppressed emotion

Graced the cheek, every night
Under the dark of the lonely stars
Over soft pillows and muffled cries
In the silence of the closed walls

Behind the noise of the cold showers
Midst of the mumbling crowd
Muffled in the soft rains
Transpired to hiding behind smiles

The cheek that lay barren
In wait of the fateful story
Of those endless sleepless nights
For that tear among the silently loud cries.

– Ξnigma, inspired by MirageOfAGirl‘s River of Tears

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Realization.

You time is my memory.
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What is it called which hurts the most? What is that simple thing that makes you realize your gravest mistake? Why is it that, it being just in front of our eyes we want to ignore? There are a lot of questions that whisper silently yet screaming in the head. Pain ah, man’s ultimate solitude. A fortress that we build in the name of pain and its outcome. Without pain, there is no gain. Someone said it and that humble someone is probably right. But how does it fall into place? How does it know when to fall in place? Time, a morbid concept of reality, tricky yet precious, at the same time.

Let me start by first apologizing to the people who apparently think that I am not good enough for being a friend. For the past 24 odd years, I never had the liberty of having a friend, let alone a best friend. There might be a reason to it, but it doesn’t need explaining. At the end of the day, I am still the same person I was a day ago, or a decade ago. I may have grown up or old but I have done with only me, I alone. People are fascinating beings. When I have spent a major chunk of my life being in the company of myself, there comes a time when one realizes to look around and most importantly look at the people around. It is even more moving when some of these people actually look back at you and spend some of their time with you. Time, that precious chunk of one’s life that once spent could never be taken back or changed or bargained for. Don’t you think it is precious? I do.

I had the luxury of meeting some of the amazing people here on blogosphere. I agree that I am not one of the most charming people who has a way with words, or a witty one, or as a matter of fact not even normal. I am just a plain old boring soul. Having said that I have come across some of the people who are just too amazing. I know that becoming a friend needs to meet certain criteria, which I was hoping to meet over the course of time. So, it began. The conversations. Be it comments, emails or WhatsApp chat, I was aiming to meet their checklist, having already checked my only point in my checklist which read as “Time“. If they could spare some of their time for me, that in itself is such a big thing. But, I made a mistake of assuming.

I have traveled places all my childhood, not by choice but by compulsion. This should have been an added bonus, but this somehow shut be out. It is always not easy to adjust to the new environment, new people, their habits, their way of expressing. I have seen it all and have slowly adapted to each one. During all this, this coping and matching their tempo, the level of understanding, something in me snapped which made sure that I was uber cautious of the people around me, about what to say and what not to say. This dilemma slowly set to a conclusion that it is better not to speak than say something and make a fool of myself. This became quite difficult for people to adjust to me, and I to them. Eventually, I became my own company and the friendship days became just a namesake day to wish people whom I apparently knew also called as classmates, and vice versa.

Recently, I had met some new people – at work and online here through blogs. All of them are way too amazing people. Then came the first Sunday of August, which we all know what it is. So, I waited to check if anyone considered me in their list, whether I was able to cross off their check

.boxes. It was at the end of the day that I realized that I still have a long way to go. But, before this I did something. As I have already mentioned that my criteria has just one checkbox and it’s checked for most people. So, I made a post for them. It’s not one of those heart warming posts that you might think, but it is something I like to cherish by mentioning the few people who have been a part of my journey through blogging. I spent the whole night drafting and redrafting and finally rambling something. It is not a great post, but it wasn’t all that bad either. I finally posted it and waited.

The whole of Friendship Day I was on a lookout for people I may know or might have heard of me, or probably might remember me, which was rare, but hope is a pitiful thing, isn’t it? After a whole day of contemplation and exasperation, I have finally manned up a bit and decided to invade their “friend-time”, so I sent out messages to people from my office and emails to the people I have been in contact with. And boy, was I surprised to see the responses.

  1. Who said I was your friend?
    A common courtesy of thank you would have sufficed. I didn’t ask for much. I was expecting anything more either. A simple “Thank you. Same to you too” could have just made my day. But well.
  2. The courteous friend :
    Thank you to you too.Courteous
  3. Validation :
    I guess I needed to be validated as well.Validation
  4. I don’t, really!
    So, I told this generous person to kindly read the blog post in which I have mentioned them, but who really cares anyway.

Probably, I got what I deserved. My sincere apologies for jumping into conclusions at the first sight of conversation. Hopefully, I will be more careful.

A life withered and dying.

Disclaimer : Not what you are expecting. Don’t.

Dilemma

There comes a time when the words doesn’t make sense, when the time is too fast and when we have lost our way. Floating in the imaginary bubble that someday, anytime now that streak will hit us and the whole world would change around us. But there is no such silver lining, as they have said. Being lost is a trivial phenomenon we usually come across. The problem lies when we still float in that bubble of so called life.

Life is hard. We have heard that a lot, haven’t we? As a matter of fact, we have said it a lot many times. Probably, it was the gray area in our life and we were going through a rough patch and feel that huge burden of life pulling us down. But that phase passes away because we have struggled through it and made our way through the most complex phase of our life.

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But there are certain instances when the life even though isn’t so heavy on the shoulders, we tend to feel lost. Yes, we are again in that self exploration stage and we are very much lost. We seek guidance. We get the much needed guidance, some do follow and get a different perspective at life and are out of that pickle. But some, some are so stubborn that they want to make a life on their own. This is also good, because they will go through the complex mixtures of life and since they have a steadfast heart and know where they are supposed to be going, they will strive to reach their destination. In both cases, people are successful. But they were once who have said that life is hard and nothing goes according to them. Now they will be sitting at a table clinging their glasses and are content with the life they hence earned.

Let me introduce this rare kind. I am one of those who despite knowing that life is hard and despite the guidances and every help at my disposal decided to take something else as an ambition. Death. Whoa! Wait a second! Did you exclaim that? I bet you have. But yes, I have always wanted to die. Yes, I had thought of myself driving a luxury car, living in a mansion, owning a personal jet and whatnot. But then those were dreams. Truth be told, I have never seen past myself for even a year in the future. When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years from now?”, I lie. I lie every time. I as so reserved with my decision that I haven’t told anyone. But I wait for holidays. Why? I don’t want to attract much attention. I don’t want people to know that this guy really did that. No wonder I have kept people away from me, no friends whatsoever. And love, huh, I haven’t loved myself enough, where can I get the guts to love someone else. But yes, I have loathed the people who have made bigger despite the odds, who are climbing up the walls despite the obstacles. I have envyed them. But I have never got past my obstacle that I created for myself.

Every time I ask myself what will be next year like and I would respond, I hope I don’t live long enough to find out.
Why don’t I turn my life around? I don’t know. Probably, I am stuck in that limbo and am refusing to come out. Dammit.
Why do I want to die? Interesting question. I guess, I lost hope on myself. And hate everything about me to the core.
What went so wrong? I went wrong. I decided to take the easy way out.
Why am I being such a stupid person? I wish I had an answer.
Am I mad? Yes, most definitely.

Yes, I have these questions too. I wish I had the proper answers as well. I am just bloody lost with not definitive ground beneath my feet. And I am in that place where I am sinking deep and not doing anything to swim to the shore. I am tired? No, I am just too idle to work out on what’s important and turn things around.

What would you do if you could go back in time and change one thing?
Yes, I could do that and probably slap myself hard enough to come to my senses and not to let myself so down that I get lost in the limbo of life.
But no.
I would go back even further and probably prevent a kid from dying. The very reason for my stupid survival was his death. I was the second child. But I had been the eldest for a major part of my life. But then I was told that i had a brother before me. And he died after 5 days of his birth. When I heard this, I was too young to respond or voice out any opinion. I didn’t understand life then. And that his demise was a result for my birth a year later. Or else my parents would have waited for a considerable time before they made any plans for another kid.

I realized this pretty late. And that I am the product of a death. And I have always wanted to die for as long as I remember. And this is the only reason perhaps that is holding me back from fulfilling my self proclaimed prophecy. Probably you are cursing, probably you are saying what kind of a fucked up person I am, or probably you are pitying me. Or well, you don’t give a fucking damn about this. I won’t blame you. I brought this upon myself, so I am not expecting you to show pity or give a damn about all this.

And don’t get me started on God, I have had so many trivial instances and God hasn’t been there is help in any. No wonder I have lost faith in him that very first time I learned about the death of a child. If there really was God, that wouldn’t have happened. I rest my case.

But keeping the supernatural entity at bay, we

I wish I knew how to make things better. I wish. I wish I knew how to turn things around.

PS: Why I wrote this? I don’t know. I just wanted peace, I guess.