.unsaid

I am not okay;
never was.
.ᴇ ɴ ɪ ɢ ᴍ ᴀ

I have said it. A couple too many times. I have said it in metaphors, translating in words that I didn’t even understand and in between the lines, or perhaps all is lost in translation.. But at the core of the things, it is still there. And I have said it way too many times or that’s how I feel. I am still here trying to say, let me rephrase.. I am trying to express in words that apparently don’t reach the people. I am not being cautious, perhaps I am scared. Or perhaps, I don’t know how to do it, how to say it bluntly. I will beat around the bush but I will not say it as it should be said, out loud, crystal clear.

May be that is why I can’t ever feel content with it, content with writing it off and hoping that it will do it’s magic of not making a permanent house in my mind. But, I am at loss of words. Writing was always my solace, my way of letting the things go and hoping that the new day that follows will be less burdened and also refreshing. Imagine the day when we don’t worry about yesterday and looking forward to great day that is to follow. How beautiful the sunshine will be, how melodious those birds chirp, how clear the sky is and how great the morning glory feels like. And in all adversity, how happy we will be, from the inside.

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While I write this, I have hit the backspace a little too much. I might as well have published with the words that I backspaced. I don’t know why! I don’t know why I am so unsure about writing about what I really want to write. I wonder if I am bothered by something that I am having second thoughts on how to put it in writing. I am sure nothing is bothering me. And I think I don’t just want to write them down. I don’t want me to validate it by writing it down. I just don’t want to sign it off as exactly what it is. Because as hopeless and crass I might be, I will try to look for that tiny lost hope that it will all get better soon. That, things will change and I won’t be in this place where I currently am at. You might… let me rephrase, I am not but I think I am a little superstitious. I don’t like things getting jinxed, as in like if I tell something bad, it will definitely happen, and if I say something good, it will never happen. I have this superpower that I control the world, my world. I just have to think of it, the good or the bad and it will happen, just the one I really don’t want to.

I have written about it. I continue to write about it. But at some point, it feels repetitive. Like the earlier few lines. But today I will “really” write it. Hopefully, I won’t bring any metaphors or hide between the lines!

I am in pain, mentally and emotionally. I am hurt on the inside. I have felt hurt for as long I can remember. But I put on a façade and tell everyone that I am okay. No! I am not! I am not okay! I never was, am, and I don’t know whether I ever will be. There is a commotion inside, and that never settles. The mind is restless. While things happen and people console that it is alright since it happens for a good reason, you try to calm that restlessness in the mind. It feels better to know that there is a greener side and that there will be a knock on the door called opportunity. While the mind doesn’t stay calm for long, another thing happens, and there are voices it is for the good. I calm the mind saying that it is just round the corner. While I am in these phases, I write it down. Because writing is my solace. And I end writing that painful post about the pain that the mind is in, that I am in, while I start to feel a bit relieve and feeling that peace approacing me, there is another thing that happens. And I repeat the whole process over and again, hoping that one day it will just end. And honestly, I am getting tired of trying to write about this everytime, differently every time. I have a whole book with pages filled with this and I wonder is this how it is going to be, for the rest of the life! Is this anyway how life should be? That metamorphical rock that I keep carrying just keeps getting heavier. At one point, I just might collapse and there is no coming back when it does!

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.ᴇ ɴ ɪ ɢ ᴍ ᴀ

Wake me up.

The sun kissed the soft corners of the room, as the birds chirped in their melody, lamenting the spirits of the sleepy mind to a fresh start. It was a beautiful morning, a little bright, but just the right kind of bright; a little warm, just enough to make the skin feel alive; a little soft, for the eyes to let them enjoy the beauty in it’s full glory. It was like any other morning, but this was a little special one.

I’m a victim of my mistakes. Or may be it’s just me.

If you want something from heart, the whole universe conspires in helping you achieve it“, they said. How beautiful is this message? How blindly he felt it was real, true? How blindly he wished and wished and wished for something to happen? Oh wait, he heard whispers going around. “Wishing doesn’t help. You have to make an effort. You have to try”. He did try. A couple too many times. Because again, there they were saying some stupid inspiration stuff again,”Try and try and you will succeed.“. They make all of these seem so easy, make it like a walk in the park. And well what do you know, he did try. He really did. But may be, may be it wasn’t enough. May be his will power was weak. Or may be perhaps, he was a little too scared. Or perhaps, deep down may be he didn’t wish it wholly from heart. But they never stopped, never stopped saying mind boggling stupid inspirational shit, again. So, resorting to what they do best, they said, “God helps one who helps themselves“. That makes sense, doesn’t it? God created us. And in a matter of speaking he is partly responsible for us. Hence, after exhausting all other viable options, he turned to God. Oh the almighty creator. Whom else could I turn to?  God fulfills your wishes, another idiot blurted out quoting some lines from a story book. And the irony is that people believed him and the story book. They called him the prophet and the book the holy book. If great many people believed, then it had to be true. How can so many people be wrong? How can so many people be blind? He didn’t realize to ask one question : How can so many people have their trust in someone whom they haven’t even met, while they demand proof for every other thing starting from their own identity. They would call you an impostor if you didn’t have an ID on you.

But in all retrospect, he believed in that story book, may be it was because of the years of people constantly telling over and over again about the stories and quoting the lines from the book in their prayers.. That’s why he knelt down and prayed. He even cried and prayed a little more. He promised to sacrifice something that was very close to him, like the politicians have always promised us. Yes, he broke the promise, a million times over. And at every hurdle he faced, he put up the same promises for the things he wanted.

Wake me up, or may be don’t.

Perhaps, he was asking too many things. May be God keeps a track of the wishes to be fulfilled per person and after the expiration of the limit, there’s nothing he could do, even if you sacrificed a human or the blood of the virgin, which would again have to be him. God doesn’t two shits about that. Anyhow, he calmed himself down and prayed for just one thing. He prayed for one thing over and over and over. He was getting furious at God for ignoring his concerns. This was a serious issue. Why isn’t God paying any attention? Why isn’t God helping him in any way? The questions that haunted him all day and night.

So, he tried again the other night, like the last couple nights. He kept trying. And every time he fell short. He tried great many different things. But, he fell gravely short. Because every time he tried, he woke the other day. He saw another sunrise where the sun kisses the soft corners of the room, where the birds chirp in their melody, lamenting the spirits of the sleepy mind to a fresh start, where it seems to be a beautiful morning, a little bright, just the right kind of bright; a little warm, just enough to make the skin feel alive; a little soft that lets to enjoy the beauty in it’s full glory. It was like any other morning, another beautiful morning, that didn’t look beautiful. Because, he was still alive.

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Twenty Seventeen!

 

A silent breeze swept past me, like a silent shadow in the night. A calm hush of the noise like a distant murmur sunk in the shadows behind me. The muted world stood in silence in the warm embrace of the night, comforting yet missing something. An unspeakable void that kept haunting the silent corners of the mind. I stared at the sky above me to immerse myself in the effervescence of the dark night. Somehow, this darkness never felt so dark. It was my comfort, my solace to the agitation, my safe harbour. I continued staring at the sky above. Perhaps, I was looking for a sign, that was long-lost on me. Or perhaps I just wanted to embrace this moment.

Fireworks. The figments of small and brighter lights filled the sky. The man-made stars that danced with symphony in their agility. Shining in their ever so bright clamour; so close and ever so beautiful. The celebration of sorts in the sky, mesmerizing the world below and the universe beyond. Ah, what a sight it was. This moment was too perfect to be true. I curbed my urge to pinch myself and wake me from my slumber, if at all it was. I gradually sunk in the moment, reminiscing the dreams of yesteryear, the present and hopes as I stared and communicated with the sky above in silence. The million stars that have been there for me in thick and thin, in happiness and sadness, when no one else was. As I embraced my inner inhibitions and the warmth of the hopes, I could hear cheer, as a distant noise reverberating so close to me.

Excitement. The cheer slowly started to build up and resonated in the whole atmosphere. There were people everywhereand I had been at the middle of this crowd. But somehow, even though I was there at the center of thousands of people, there was a moment, a moment when everything around blurred, the people, their chatter, their cheer, the noise, everything was a distane echo and I was just alone for miles away. I was romancing the air, filled with my desires and hope, embracing the inhibitions; and was at peace staring at the multitude of stars that spread across the horizon slowly getting draped in fireworks. But this crowd, this humongous crowd that cheered so loud that I couldn’t even hear my own thoughts.

I woke up slowly from my slumber to see the happy faces, smiling, staring at the sky above, a little like I was, perhaps contemplating the year the passed by and making new dreams and hope as they kissed their loved ones. I stood in muted silence as the  crowd sunk into celebrations, the onset of yet another glorious year, with renowned hopes and determination. All soulful people walked around with happiness radiating from them, not just that usual happiness, but the sort that comes from the heart, that’s just too serene to watch.

I stood there amidst all the chaos, contemplating the happy crowd as they disappeared into the background. That’s when I caught a glimpse of my own reflection, in its absolute contrast. As reality slowly sunk in, the shattered dreams echoed in the reminiscence of the mind, the mind went wary and the heart heavier. Everything blurred again, and suddenly there I was, alone, sinking in the ocean, trying to breathe, for one last time.

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Happy New Year.
I hope you have a great year ahead and all your dreams be fulfilled.

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P.S. I am sorry, but someone said I was too negative, I was too pessimistic. I claimed myslf to be pessimistic. And no, I am not proving them right. I am just being myself.

Image Courtesy : Quote Fancy