.unsaid

I am not okay;
never was.
.ᴇ ɴ ɪ ɢ ᴍ ᴀ

I have said it. A couple too many times. I have said it in metaphors, translating in words that I didn’t even understand and in between the lines, or perhaps all is lost in translation.. But at the core of the things, it is still there. And I have said it way too many times or that’s how I feel. I am still here trying to say, let me rephrase.. I am trying to express in words that apparently don’t reach the people. I am not being cautious, perhaps I am scared. Or perhaps, I don’t know how to do it, how to say it bluntly. I will beat around the bush but I will not say it as it should be said, out loud, crystal clear.

May be that is why I can’t ever feel content with it, content with writing it off and hoping that it will do it’s magic of not making a permanent house in my mind. But, I am at loss of words. Writing was always my solace, my way of letting the things go and hoping that the new day that follows will be less burdened and also refreshing. Imagine the day when we don’t worry about yesterday and looking forward to great day that is to follow. How beautiful the sunshine will be, how melodious those birds chirp, how clear the sky is and how great the morning glory feels like. And in all adversity, how happy we will be, from the inside.

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While I write this, I have hit the backspace a little too much. I might as well have published with the words that I backspaced. I don’t know why! I don’t know why I am so unsure about writing about what I really want to write. I wonder if I am bothered by something that I am having second thoughts on how to put it in writing. I am sure nothing is bothering me. And I think I don’t just want to write them down. I don’t want me to validate it by writing it down. I just don’t want to sign it off as exactly what it is. Because as hopeless and crass I might be, I will try to look for that tiny lost hope that it will all get better soon. That, things will change and I won’t be in this place where I currently am at. You might… let me rephrase, I am not but I think I am a little superstitious. I don’t like things getting jinxed, as in like if I tell something bad, it will definitely happen, and if I say something good, it will never happen. I have this superpower that I control the world, my world. I just have to think of it, the good or the bad and it will happen, just the one I really don’t want to.

I have written about it. I continue to write about it. But at some point, it feels repetitive. Like the earlier few lines. But today I will “really” write it. Hopefully, I won’t bring any metaphors or hide between the lines!

I am in pain, mentally and emotionally. I am hurt on the inside. I have felt hurt for as long I can remember. But I put on a façade and tell everyone that I am okay. No! I am not! I am not okay! I never was, am, and I don’t know whether I ever will be. There is a commotion inside, and that never settles. The mind is restless. While things happen and people console that it is alright since it happens for a good reason, you try to calm that restlessness in the mind. It feels better to know that there is a greener side and that there will be a knock on the door called opportunity. While the mind doesn’t stay calm for long, another thing happens, and there are voices it is for the good. I calm the mind saying that it is just round the corner. While I am in these phases, I write it down. Because writing is my solace. And I end writing that painful post about the pain that the mind is in, that I am in, while I start to feel a bit relieve and feeling that peace approacing me, there is another thing that happens. And I repeat the whole process over and again, hoping that one day it will just end. And honestly, I am getting tired of trying to write about this everytime, differently every time. I have a whole book with pages filled with this and I wonder is this how it is going to be, for the rest of the life! Is this anyway how life should be? That metamorphical rock that I keep carrying just keeps getting heavier. At one point, I just might collapse and there is no coming back when it does!

______

.ᴇ ɴ ɪ ɢ ᴍ ᴀ

Leave me alone.

I’m lost in the past, drowning in the memories. It’s dim. It’s stale. It’s a flickering light of yesterday, haunting, a constant reminder. It’s dark. It’s a freakin’ nightmare.

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The night fell into the silent abyss. The damp atmosphere hung in the air, that cold wind of the onset of winter blew. He settled at the end of the bar, contemplating, lost and deserted. His eyes were a million miles away, yet they spoke a story, sunk in the evening aroma of slow music and distant chatter. A thousabd thoughts exploded in his mind, relinquishing the past. the pupils dilated as the warmth of the drink slid past the burning throat. He never drank before. He didn’t realize he was drinking. He was too lost to care. His eyes fixated at the emptiness, still contemplating. Another sip. The past still resided at the peripheral. Another sip. The glass was empty. His ears caught a sweet voice, singing in the distant. He woke up from the past.

He was holding a glass, empty, a reminder of the past that was just forgotten. He eased his grip and let it free. “Leave me alone”, a voice shouted in his mind. The voice had been shouting to the pain that haunted. He got used to it like a lullaby, a painful one. Yet, it made its presence felt every day, every moment. The song became louder. It had been louder all along and he felt it’s presence with the words that surrounded the ambience.
…Let me heal the scars of yesterday,

The scars that have dug so deep,

Let me burn away the pain,

For I’m the phoenix rising from the ashes…”

He felt it making its way through him, digging the skin and reaching for the heart. The constant voice that haunted faded in the melody. Before he knew, he was sipping again and it went smooth this time. He saw her among the crowd under the limelight, staring at him from the distance, staring at him naked, staring at his naked soul, the eyes piercing the very fragments of pain, the past he had hid so well, she saw it all, every detail. He felt that pain drain away, delicately like the touch of the sun to the sea beyond the horizon. But then, the glass slipped from his hand, smashed against the floor as he was left vulnerable with the thousand pieces it broke into. The lights dimmed, the song ended and she was gone. He stood up, in search, but in vain.

“Leave me alone”, his mind shouted again to the voices that haunted again.

A life withered and dying.

Disclaimer : Not what you are expecting. Don’t.

Dilemma

There comes a time when the words doesn’t make sense, when the time is too fast and when we have lost our way. Floating in the imaginary bubble that someday, anytime now that streak will hit us and the whole world would change around us. But there is no such silver lining, as they have said. Being lost is a trivial phenomenon we usually come across. The problem lies when we still float in that bubble of so called life.

Life is hard. We have heard that a lot, haven’t we? As a matter of fact, we have said it a lot many times. Probably, it was the gray area in our life and we were going through a rough patch and feel that huge burden of life pulling us down. But that phase passes away because we have struggled through it and made our way through the most complex phase of our life.

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But there are certain instances when the life even though isn’t so heavy on the shoulders, we tend to feel lost. Yes, we are again in that self exploration stage and we are very much lost. We seek guidance. We get the much needed guidance, some do follow and get a different perspective at life and are out of that pickle. But some, some are so stubborn that they want to make a life on their own. This is also good, because they will go through the complex mixtures of life and since they have a steadfast heart and know where they are supposed to be going, they will strive to reach their destination. In both cases, people are successful. But they were once who have said that life is hard and nothing goes according to them. Now they will be sitting at a table clinging their glasses and are content with the life they hence earned.

Let me introduce this rare kind. I am one of those who despite knowing that life is hard and despite the guidances and every help at my disposal decided to take something else as an ambition. Death. Whoa! Wait a second! Did you exclaim that? I bet you have. But yes, I have always wanted to die. Yes, I had thought of myself driving a luxury car, living in a mansion, owning a personal jet and whatnot. But then those were dreams. Truth be told, I have never seen past myself for even a year in the future. When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years from now?”, I lie. I lie every time. I as so reserved with my decision that I haven’t told anyone. But I wait for holidays. Why? I don’t want to attract much attention. I don’t want people to know that this guy really did that. No wonder I have kept people away from me, no friends whatsoever. And love, huh, I haven’t loved myself enough, where can I get the guts to love someone else. But yes, I have loathed the people who have made bigger despite the odds, who are climbing up the walls despite the obstacles. I have envyed them. But I have never got past my obstacle that I created for myself.

Every time I ask myself what will be next year like and I would respond, I hope I don’t live long enough to find out.
Why don’t I turn my life around? I don’t know. Probably, I am stuck in that limbo and am refusing to come out. Dammit.
Why do I want to die? Interesting question. I guess, I lost hope on myself. And hate everything about me to the core.
What went so wrong? I went wrong. I decided to take the easy way out.
Why am I being such a stupid person? I wish I had an answer.
Am I mad? Yes, most definitely.

Yes, I have these questions too. I wish I had the proper answers as well. I am just bloody lost with not definitive ground beneath my feet. And I am in that place where I am sinking deep and not doing anything to swim to the shore. I am tired? No, I am just too idle to work out on what’s important and turn things around.

What would you do if you could go back in time and change one thing?
Yes, I could do that and probably slap myself hard enough to come to my senses and not to let myself so down that I get lost in the limbo of life.
But no.
I would go back even further and probably prevent a kid from dying. The very reason for my stupid survival was his death. I was the second child. But I had been the eldest for a major part of my life. But then I was told that i had a brother before me. And he died after 5 days of his birth. When I heard this, I was too young to respond or voice out any opinion. I didn’t understand life then. And that his demise was a result for my birth a year later. Or else my parents would have waited for a considerable time before they made any plans for another kid.

I realized this pretty late. And that I am the product of a death. And I have always wanted to die for as long as I remember. And this is the only reason perhaps that is holding me back from fulfilling my self proclaimed prophecy. Probably you are cursing, probably you are saying what kind of a fucked up person I am, or probably you are pitying me. Or well, you don’t give a fucking damn about this. I won’t blame you. I brought this upon myself, so I am not expecting you to show pity or give a damn about all this.

And don’t get me started on God, I have had so many trivial instances and God hasn’t been there is help in any. No wonder I have lost faith in him that very first time I learned about the death of a child. If there really was God, that wouldn’t have happened. I rest my case.

But keeping the supernatural entity at bay, we

I wish I knew how to make things better. I wish. I wish I knew how to turn things around.

PS: Why I wrote this? I don’t know. I just wanted peace, I guess.