.smile

I never knew that a smile could scare me.
.ᴇ ɴ ɪ ɢ ᴍ ᴀ

I caught a glimpse on the mirror as I walked past it. I did not quite recognise the person I saw, however it has been the same face the I have been seeing everyday. But it was different that day or perhaps it has been the same and I never saw it until that moment. I stared as if I was watching something..someone for the first time. And after all the contemplation and trying to figure out the story behind those lost eyes, I was still clueless. There was so much going on the inside and yet so little visible in the eyes. And I could do was wonder how I was still standing when I have been breaking down a million times each day and why the eyes never told those untold & unseen stories. I found a mystery in myself. Interesting, I thought. Never did I think that I would make myself ponder over me. I believed I had figured myself out, even when no one else ever could. I continued to stare at my reflection. Maybe I wanted to myself to show what I was feeling on in the inside, perhaps in the eyes and wipe that expressionless face that never said a word like the personality that I had been carrying around. Unless I face it, I could never overcome it. All I was doing here was let it get trapped inside and sink in deeper.

A buzz in my pocket distracted the silent conversation with myself. It was a text message which inquired how I was doing? Without a second thought as if it was pre-programmed in me, I replied that I am doing good, and smiled as if I was telling the person in question face to face. At that moment again, I accidentally caught a glimpse of my reflection. Interestingly enough and quite bizarrely, I found was a person smiling which changed back to that former expressionless one within the next second. Quite honestly, it was getting quite boring staring at the expressionless face and I wondered how the people know me deal with me, when I am unable to stand myself for this short moment. But that fraction of a second, when there was that convincing smile when truth be told, I was lying through the teeth when I said that I was doing fine. The funny thing about it was that it looked convincing.

It sort of scared me.

How can I be so convincing when I know for a fact that I am not at all good by a long shot. I am literally hanging by a thread. All I saw was that curve which convinced me enough to believe what I had just said. Why was I even doing that? Why was there even a need to show that I was all okay when I am not? Why am I being trying to be a person that I am clearly not? Maybe I am just trying to fit in and belong in a world that is quite so judgemental and not be an exception to the social norms that we are governed with. How long do I have to continue not being myself and try to be a person falling in the premise of these illogical bracketed norms.

Maybe someday, I will be free from the chains that I tied to my feet, from the weight that I carry within. Maybe. As I pondered over the questions I had no answer to, I tried to smile. And it started to scare me each time I tried. All I was trying to do was find that happy moment when I was happy, genuinely happy and see whether I could ever be. But then again, how can I ever do that, knowing what I was carrying on the inside, knowing what I do not even remember having felt. How could I ever not fake a smile, when that was what I knew.

______

.ᴇ ɴ ɪ ɢ ᴍ ᴀ

.scream

The silence in the voice.
.ᴇ ɴ ɪ ɢ ᴍ ᴀ

I stared at the reflection on the mirror. The eyes were searching for something. Some sort of validation, I suppose, or perhaps some answers, but the more they searched, they never even got any close to what they were searching for. Maybe there were no answers, or perhaps, the answers were lost. But in all honesty the answers were always there, they were just ignored. And beside the discontentment of not having, ignoring the answers, the eyes had something else in them, a sense of disappointment.

I sat down to gather the thoughts, the ones which lay scattered, in a web of jumbled and hazy thoughts, which never seemed to make any sense. While the confusion settled in the abyss of a mind, there was this new uneasy feeling that began to surface. It has always been there and this seems to be resurfacing again which always lead to messier things and breaking the already broken. And the unsettling feeling of what is supposed to be done isn’t being done is just topping the already full glass of water.

As I sat there looking into the eyes, speechless and wondering how to answer the questions that lay in front of them, I didn’t have the answers, I never did. All I thought had was one answer or more like an alternative to all this overflowing glass of water. And that might have seemed irrational, but it was the only way that could put an end to all this. And however irrational that sounded, it was sort of comforting to know that there was something that could be done, even though that didn’t land on the moral side of the scale.

The Silence in the Voice.

Now, there are a few more eyes trying to leap into my eyes looking for something, anything. The answers that I have always been searching for. And all could see in those eyes was something I had feared never to see. I was as blank to the questions in front of me. How was I supposed to tell that one thing that kept me going was an irrational thought and that was something that could never be said. While I sat there wondering how this irrational thought could be, no, is definitely the answer to all the questions, not the ideal solution but it was the best god damn alternative to everything that seemed to be weighing me down. There came a point when I stopped looking for any better answers because this irrational alternative was the only thing that could answer the unanswered questions while posing a few too many new questions, but that was not something of a concern to me now. Because the aftermath of this irrational thought was an abyss that I could never return from to answer any questions if there were any, which, with a doubt will be there.

However, and in all uncertainty, having finally come down to this one solution, as irrational it might seem like, this abyss that I was seeking as the ultimate solution was the farther away than it seemed. And that it cold solve all the problems seemed like an illusion. Imagine now, while I look at the eyes in the reflection in front of me and realizing that the one answer that could solve all the questions was just another failure and all I could of is screaming at the clueless reflection still staring back at me, lost in a self created abyss.

______

.ᴇ ɴ ɪ ɢ ᴍ ᴀ

.unsaid

I am not okay;
never was.
.ᴇ ɴ ɪ ɢ ᴍ ᴀ

I have said it. A couple too many times. I have said it in metaphors, translating in words that I didn’t even understand and in between the lines, or perhaps all is lost in translation.. But at the core of the things, it is still there. And I have said it way too many times or that’s how I feel. I am still here trying to say, let me rephrase.. I am trying to express in words that apparently don’t reach the people. I am not being cautious, perhaps I am scared. Or perhaps, I don’t know how to do it, how to say it bluntly. I will beat around the bush but I will not say it as it should be said, out loud, crystal clear.

May be that is why I can’t ever feel content with it, content with writing it off and hoping that it will do it’s magic of not making a permanent house in my mind. But, I am at loss of words. Writing was always my solace, my way of letting the things go and hoping that the new day that follows will be less burdened and also refreshing. Imagine the day when we don’t worry about yesterday and looking forward to great day that is to follow. How beautiful the sunshine will be, how melodious those birds chirp, how clear the sky is and how great the morning glory feels like. And in all adversity, how happy we will be, from the inside.

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While I write this, I have hit the backspace a little too much. I might as well have published with the words that I backspaced. I don’t know why! I don’t know why I am so unsure about writing about what I really want to write. I wonder if I am bothered by something that I am having second thoughts on how to put it in writing. I am sure nothing is bothering me. And I think I don’t just want to write them down. I don’t want me to validate it by writing it down. I just don’t want to sign it off as exactly what it is. Because as hopeless and crass I might be, I will try to look for that tiny lost hope that it will all get better soon. That, things will change and I won’t be in this place where I currently am at. You might… let me rephrase, I am not but I think I am a little superstitious. I don’t like things getting jinxed, as in like if I tell something bad, it will definitely happen, and if I say something good, it will never happen. I have this superpower that I control the world, my world. I just have to think of it, the good or the bad and it will happen, just the one I really don’t want to.

I have written about it. I continue to write about it. But at some point, it feels repetitive. Like the earlier few lines. But today I will “really” write it. Hopefully, I won’t bring any metaphors or hide between the lines!

I am in pain, mentally and emotionally. I am hurt on the inside. I have felt hurt for as long I can remember. But I put on a façade and tell everyone that I am okay. No! I am not! I am not okay! I never was, am, and I don’t know whether I ever will be. There is a commotion inside, and that never settles. The mind is restless. While things happen and people console that it is alright since it happens for a good reason, you try to calm that restlessness in the mind. It feels better to know that there is a greener side and that there will be a knock on the door called opportunity. While the mind doesn’t stay calm for long, another thing happens, and there are voices it is for the good. I calm the mind saying that it is just round the corner. While I am in these phases, I write it down. Because writing is my solace. And I end writing that painful post about the pain that the mind is in, that I am in, while I start to feel a bit relieve and feeling that peace approacing me, there is another thing that happens. And I repeat the whole process over and again, hoping that one day it will just end. And honestly, I am getting tired of trying to write about this everytime, differently every time. I have a whole book with pages filled with this and I wonder is this how it is going to be, for the rest of the life! Is this anyway how life should be? That metamorphical rock that I keep carrying just keeps getting heavier. At one point, I just might collapse and there is no coming back when it does!

______

.ᴇ ɴ ɪ ɢ ᴍ ᴀ

.unblur

Somethings always come with a price.
.ᴇ ɴ ɪ ɢ ᴍ ᴀ

Unblur

Colours. How fascinating are they? And how beautiful they are. And yet the fascination, my fascination lies with them two; monochome. You ask why? I wish I knew. Or perhaps, I wish I could explain. So tell me, what does happiness mean to you? How happy are you, right now? If not, don’t worry, you will be! How often do you look forward and want to be happy all the time? Wouldn’t you agree if anyone said that happiness is a beautiful place to be in? Of course it is a beautiful place to be in. And nothing makes me more glad to know you all are happy!

But amidst all this aura, it pulls me down a little. Don’t get me wrong, I love happiness. And also, I am scared of it. Because if there’s anything experience taught me anythimg, time and again, that there’s always a yang for yin, white for black, good for bad and sad for happy. Well, that does sound a little strtched.. something like out of context, doesn’t it? There won’t be anyone more ‘happier’ than me, if you said that there’s no alternative for happiness. But unlike you, I beg to differ. No, I am not trying to put a pessimistic approach or kill that optimistic mind of yours. I am speaking from mere experience. I agree with the odds that the percentage is different. For you happiness is a hundred percent, while for me sadness. There I did it again, brought the pessimistic viewpoint. I really can’t help it. And like I said, I am speaking from mere experience of a lifetime, so far! I wish it were a hazy opinion, a heresay, a lie, blurred emotion. But, time and again, I have seen it come back, like a stone in the ocean to ripples of tsunami, like a voice in mountain to multitude of echoes, piercing a million times over. Can the

. ᴇ ɴ ɪ ɢ ᴍ ᴀ

Price

.dotProject
A traditional post where in the writer could write anything from poetry to prose to even a single line. Basically it is a prompt based post, but no restrictions whatsoever. My current format involves a quote and a bit of a passage around it, just to make a better sense of the abstract. If anyone wants to take up the project, please be my guest. Do let me know so that I can check your post as well.

.prompt : unblur

Normal

Celebration is as contagious as a warm smile.
-Enigma

The sun was just bright and  warm while the wind a bit chilly. The soft light dispersed rays danced to a distant hymn. The sound of the bells resonated in the sunlit room. There was a pleasant air that flowed so effortlessly. An array of colored lights played in a not so distant over the boxes covered in shiny wrappers. It seemed like a theme of red, white and green. The air was filled  with an aroma of  delicious food while a houseful of people immersed themselves in prayers, wishes and songs. The children ran all around in excitement waiting eagerly to open their presents. Songs played in the background resonating an ambience of a joyous celebration. The rejuvenating smiles warming the hearts with their pleasantries as the atmosphere turned festive with every passing moment.

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______

The music was  loud, the sound repeating itself and growing louder with each passing moment. An alarm, perhaps which was clearly not being attended to. The sun tried its’ best to fill the room through the small gap through the curtain, yet it failed to brighten the room. The shadow was the shortest at this time in the bright sunny afternoon, and yet the room radiated a monochromatic ambience. The phone blinked with a few wishes scrolling across the screen, none of which was even read properly. The untidy bed and the dark room lay still in an otherwise bright sunny day. A door opened and the bright sunlight illuminated the alleged cozy room. A distant music made way into the dull somber room. People with bright new dressed happily greeting each other made their presence while the kids ran around with their new gifts. There was laughter, there was happiness and that joy that each one was radiating was extremely contagious. The atmosphere was festive. And then the people settled to sing the jingl… The same door was slammed shut. The  slowly brightening otherwise gloomy room now turned back to reflect the somberness. There was no light again. Just darkness and  a huge void.

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______

Wishing you a very happy and prosperous new year.
Have a great one, like always.

The Wait

“Not knowing is far worse than knowing what was wrong.”

Have you ever been in a dilemma where you want to say everything , but don’t. Because you are not sure how the person you want to say everything to would react. And that, their reaction is what scares you the most. And this being scared feeling eats you up inside, slowly. Then one moment you sit and write it all down and then again wonder just before finally hitting ‘send’, you don’t . You delete the whole thing because you don’t even want to send it by mistake and later regret, so you delete it completely. But you wonder that it might have turned it all right, if you had just sent that message. Because not knowing is far worse than knowing what was wrong, if there was anything at all. But then again, you feel that this confused state of mind is a much better place to be than making the worse of the two alternatives happen. Maybe everything is all okay. Maybe you are just over thinking. Maybe it is all in your head. You console yourself that everything is just normal.

Then one day, later the same very day, you just can’t handle this confusion that the mind is creating. The dilemma is just taxing on your work and in turn it is affecting you in more ways than you think it isn’t. And you realize that your heart is sinking and that it is being pulled down as if it is getting heavier with each moment that you are contemplating. You feel that it is not strong enough to handle such pressure; the pressure of not-knowing, the pressure of what might, the pressure of what if, the pressure of this dilemma, and everything combined. So, you sit down and search for that previously deleted text. You write it all over again anyway, trying to choose the right words but that taxing of your mind by that pressure just doesn’t let you have a proper train of thought. But somehow you write that heartfelt, or to be precise whatever is weighing you down, and finally send it, after contemplating for a few hours.

You regret immediately for even sending the message. May be it was too short, or may be it was too much, maybe it was inappropriate, but you shouldn’t have sent that in the first place.  You curse yourself for sending. Oh god, what have you done? How can i undo this? Shit! Shit! Shit! You even feel the whole universe seems to say so. You hold your head in your hands for making that mistake. But yet, you wait. You wait for a reply. Each second feels like an hour and each ticking sound of your watch makes you more and more nervous. You are this close to having a nervous breakdown. And then the status change to “Online“. Your heart skips a beat. You start to sweat. The message is now in read state. And you can feel your heart in your mouth. And yet you wait. You wait for a reply. There is none. A few seconds pass away, and yet there is no reply. You wait for more time, perhaps she is writing a lengthy reply. Or maybe it wasn’t well received and this was the end of it. And despite all that’s weighing you down, you cling to that tiny thread of hope. You keep clinging to that thread which seems to be breaking off. But there is no reply, and you find yourself falling down and everything seems to flash in front of your eyes, but you still don’t know what was the thing that you did was wrong and led to this distance. Even during that fall, your mind is making all the scenarios to make sense of all this that left you in splits. You cruse your overthinking stupid brain. And gradually, you die of overthinking and anticipation and all that overwhelming feelings. But, but.. that dilemma still haunts you even after.

______

P.S. I haven’t written for a while. It has literally been ages, since I wrote. I haven’t been able to bring myself to write. I have lost that train of thought and what  I earlier thought made it more broken. But I hope to get back to it, as soon as possible. I really apologize for not being able to read any of the blog posts. I really look forward to doing it from now on. 

 

A casual encounter.

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Disclaimer : Kindly advised not to proceed, if you are lesser than 18 in age. NSFR (Not Suitable For Reading, especially for kids)!

_______

(Continued from An Encounter ) …

They crashed on the couch while she offered him a glass of wine. A soft music played in the background and when the music in the background hit the right note, they looked at each other, into their eyes and it happened again, a spark in their eyes that called out to each other. They came a little close to each other, diving deep into each other’s eyes and they came close enough to breathe each other in.

_________

One thing led to another and they found themselves naked in her bedroom. The eyes still held each other, their breaths synchronized with each other. The eyes, their body did all the talking. He knew with the look in her eyes that she wanted this as much as he wanted. He went in slowly and as she moaned and closed her eyes in ecstasy, the voice, her voice gave him the goosebumps, which added to the euphoria he was already feeling. He paused for a second, trying to live in the moment and telling himself that this was really happening, that it wasn’t another dream he had been long dreaming and he needs to cherish every second, every moment of this. She opened her eyes and tried to search something in his eyes, may be the reason why he paused. But before she could ask she realized that she was also in the moment and they both were relishing it together. She had dreamed of this moment and it was nothing what she had ever imagined. And she found the answer in his eyes that he was feeling the same.

He saw her smile, the smile that acknowledged his thoughts, his feelings. And it excited him a little more. He went inside again, locking his eyes with her. Neither of them blinked. They were going on each other, their bodies grinding against each other, the moaning synchronized. He liker her very much, may be in a way it might seem that he even loved her.He had this idea of how delicately he would do it, how softly and diligently he would take her and cherish her like the queen that she was. But, in that moment that was out of the window. Oh, he sure wanted to cherish her, each and every inch of her, but nothing soft, nothing delicate, nothing diligently. He just wanted her, her everything and it matter where the passion lead them.

She was reciprocating his momentum, and neither of them realized how fast each other were going, the passion that they had for each other was reflected each thrust and each moan. He flipped her on the bed and he was on top of her. He held his breath as he breathed in her, her beauty that shined in the glimmering side table lights. He enjoyed looking at her. He was hungry for her, the passion that had been building up inside him was finally coming out, but he wanted for each second to count. They were still locked into each other, eyes and body. He slowly let himself out, still looking into her eyes. He bent over to kiss her. The passion flowed through the lips as their tongues battled for more. They forgot to breathe and in that moment that could care less. He bit her lips, soft as they may be, were a delight in disguise. He wasn’t getting enough of it, as much as he wanted. He continued kissing, and was even more happy to find her dwelling for the same. He released her lips for a moment to take a breath, and started kissing her neck, her ears, even biting them, then caressing them with his tongue. He slowly went down to her breasts. They were full and soft. He looked up at her, to find her staring down at him in full ecstasy, and dying of anticipation what he was going to do and hoping that he does what she has been thinking. He took her breasts in his hands and bit one of her nipple. She moaned in response. It was so soft, he felt guilty for biting it but her moan had the answer that she wanted more and he too. He then kissed them, sucked on them one after the other, changing left to right and then to left. It was such a delight to hold them, kiss them and most importantly feel them and see her enjoy as he did everything he desired to her.

He didn’t realize that time was moving, that the neighbors were shouting over something, that there was a party with loud music two floors above them. He just minded his party, the one he was very much enjoying, actually both of them were. He went further down, keeping on hand on the boob and the other searching for the vagina and while he trailed down the stomach kissing and licking every inch. And as he kissed her belly button, his hand had already reached her vagina. He started stroking it, feeling the little wetness after the small session they had a moment earlier, feeling its softness, while she moaned. She moaned more as he put one finger in and rubbed the clit with the other. He had one hand caressing her boob, the other in her vagina, and he looked up from her belly kissing, at her wanting eyes as she grabbed his hair hesitating but wanting him to go down further. He kept the eyes locked until his tongue reached the clit, that was when she closed her eyes feeling the softness over her tenderness. And he kissed and licked and dug his tongue inside her, enjoying each and every moment, her every corner and her watery juices that flowed down. She almost shouted when he took her clit into his mouth and rolled his tongue over and licked it endlessly. She held his hair trying to pull him out, the euphoric pleasure as she orgasmed.

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In that moment, he was too aroused to let the moment slip away. He let himself in as she trembled under this breath, slow and deep, relishing every moment as it slipped in, her insides grasping him, in its tightness in a warm embrace. He couldn’t even begin to describe the feeling that he was going through and neither could she. Him and her both, were in a completely new world, lost in the hazy fog, drifting over the soft clouds, transpiring from one emotion to another, all of which were a complete mystery to them both, yet they didn’t want to feel anything lesser. They exchanged their positions where she was on top of him and he looked at her in complete admiration while she rode him. There wasn’t a moment that they looked away from each other. They enjoyed each other eyes, the dilated pupils told a much deeper admiration for one another and radiated the passion in their movements. They didn’t get enough of each other. He cupped her breasts as they gave the ecstatic pleasure to each other looking deep into each other’s eyes. They could go on and on for hours, perhaps days even. He had come close a couple too many times since the beginning of their intimacy session.  And it could explode any moment now.

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That was when he pulled her back. He was almost at the brim, he knew it, she knew it. He stopped her because he didn’t want it to end so soon. He pulled her up into his embrace. She sat on his face, wrapping him. Their bodies exchanging the warmth, his mouth under her, the honey juices flowing down as he dug deep into her with his tongue, as he smelled her sweet honey. He rolled, licked, sucked and kissed and took in deep her. She had lost count of the times she had orgamsed that night. And he didn’t stop when she shivered under the high of her hundredth orgasm. His hands around her thighs held her grounded on his face as he continued to kiss her wet and tender pussy. She wanted him to leave her, she didn’t want him to let her go, he was in a complete euphoria in the moment. As he slowed down, and let his grasp loosen a bit, she slid down and sat on his hardness. It was her time to take what she wanted. She went in deep, the deepest she could, pulled herself out and went in all the way with all the force she could. It was a pleasant surprise for him as he wasn’t expecting this fast encounter. She continued to do that until she got comfortable and then as she settled nice and deep, she started rocking back and forth with everything she got. He was feeling everything, everything that he couldn’t even begin to describe. He bit hard onto the his tie as he felt every pulse of his resonate with her, every heart beat match with her, every thrust sending him to space and pulling him back. He held her my her waist and he was at his brim, a second away from explosion. He wanted to pull her out, but he knew that there wasn’t much time nor did he wanted to,  and nor did she. He almost let out a shout as he released into her, arching on his back with every wave. But she was nowhere near stopping. She continued to ride  him, continued to resonated with his waves, even after he had emptied everything, every last drop he could, but she planned to continue until she had her fair share of orgasm. He wanted her to stop after that enormous wave and explosion, but there was nothing much in his hands. She was in control, she was in complete control of what was to happen, when he is really finished. A minute or two later, he felt his hardness being grasped harder as a trembling wave swept across him. She had her orgasm and she fell on him, him still inside of her, while she slowly rocked even after that huge tiring pleasurable workout. They didn’t seem to get enough of each other, after all this while, after hours of being inside each other.

They lay on the bed wrapped in the sweet sweat of their hard work, their passion resonating in each sweat drop, their love electrifying with each touch. He kissed her, as they hugged each other in harmony while the soft music filled the former echoes of their intimacy. He looked at her as the soft light delicately kissed her. She was as beautiful as ever, tired, exhausted and too worked up, but beautiful all the same. He could keep looking at her all night, all day. She was the perfect in how their thoughts matched, how their eyes talked to each other, how the bodies moved under each other’s breath and how badly they wanted each other. She was just too perfect. Similar thoughts were going through her mind as well, how good he looked under her shadow and how he liked talking to her, the joy in his eyes shining bright every time he looked at her. She settled herself by placing her head on his chest over her interlocked hands and stared at him, and he stared at her, both admiring each other. Neither of them moved for a moment. It was just a fraction of moment, after which she felt something move under her belly and she knew the second round was about to start any moment now.

________

P.S. This is the beginning of many more such (erotic) posts (I hope). If you feel that this could be better, I completely agree with you. Because all of this is out of my imagination and not from experience. I hope you got what I am trying to say : No experience at this whatsoever, and I don’t mean writing. So, do tell, if there is something crucial that I might be missing, that is essential to spice up or perhaps to tone down. And I tell you, no amount of porn watching helps in writing erotic fiction. Nope. Not one bit. Well, do pour out your thoughts, if you happen to read such lengthy not-so-erotic post.

An encounter.

A millisecond of an encounter, a million thoughts exchanged. 

They met at the coffee shop. Perhaps, it was the fate at play or probably its just a coincidence. There was a mix up in their orders and he got hers, she his. That’s how they met for the first time, second time the very same day, when the came face to face to exchange their order. Him being a coffee enthusiast, or in other words a caffeine addict came to have his daily dose of coffee and took the only remaining seat under the roof. It was probably the rush hour or perhaps the people found this to be an ideal place to talk their business. Or perhaps the people ‘hopelessly’ in love have found this place for their usual business of enclosed public display of affection. The music was blaring in his ears when a shadow appeared in front of his eyes and he knew what they wanted to ask so he said “Sure” just as the shadow began to ask a question and as the shadow took it’s place, he got a glimpse, a split second of the shadow in his absent mind. He pretended to be normal but there is a sudden commotion within him, something surreal, something that he had never felt before. His heartbeat was faster, his mind started racing with million thoughts and he wanted to be as cool and calm as possible. May be it was her eyes, may be it was her in complete adoration.

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She looked across the room filled with voices, soft yet loud, as it felt like it was a very happening place. Perhaps, it is the busy hour, she thought to herself. She scanned the whole place but she couldn’t find a single seat except the one in the far corner. She was finally relieved to find a place all to herself where she could indulge in some lone time after the mess of a day that she had had. She just wanted to drown herself in coffee and a book, and leave the day behind. As she was going to grab that corner place while a multitude of thoughts that overflowed her, they stopped in mid way when she saw a guy listening to the music in his phone, settling himself in the seat. She was about to turn around but thought of giving it a shot if he was alone by any chance, she could still drown herself in the book, because then it wouldn’t matter even if anyone was in front of her or a mile away from her. But as she reached the table and was about to ask the question about the seat, “Sure” came the reply as the person in the chair already anticipated what she had wanted without even looking at her. Perhaps there was something really important on his phone that compelled him to be so fixated on his phone. But as she took her seat, she saw his eyes in a tiny glimpse, a millisecond of an encounter, a million thoughts exchanged.

It was that moment when the world went into a silent blur and the voices started fading away in the background. A moment frozen in time that neither of them wanted to come out of, but a distance voice kept calling their names which involuntarily brought them back to reality. Their orders were ready and since he heard his name first, he went ahead to get his while trying to play as cool and normal as possible. But perhaps, he was too indulged in the surreal world that he stumbled as he walked towards the counter. She followed him as her name was next on the list. He didn’t pay much attention to what he was carrying back, neither did she, but as they sat back in their seats, they realized that their orders might not have been theirs.

For a second they waited a moment for either of them to say a word. If they had waited another second, they would have continued to have each others drinks without informing either one about the mismatch, which didn’t seem like such a bad idea either, thanks to the great aroma that it was radiating, but they spoke almost at the same time. And then they paused for the other to continue, but each of them waited for the other to say something. When neither of them said anything, they both smiled and as they exchanged their trays. His heart melted a little, her smile got to him, he didn’t even realize the loud music that played in his ears through his ear phones, and she was no indifferent, she forgot about the book she wanted to read. All she wanted to read now was him, know about him and may be talk a little more with him. But their silent occasional glances did all the talking, in it’s own language. It was as if they knew each other for a long time by how their eyes interacted. They sat across each other and though they were silent for a long time, yet continued talking with their eyes. But eventually, they talked after introducing themselves to each other. It was a weird feeling for both of them. They were complete strangers to begin with and yet somehow they were completely comfortable talking to each other. Before they realized, time flew by, the moon was at its peak and the coffee shop was about to be closed. That was when they were forced to retire for the day but neither of them wanted to. She didn’t once worry about the dreaded day that had passed and he had the best night of his life in such a long time. There was something unique about each other that attracted one another on a level that they failed to comprehend. And yet they were a little shy talking, considering they were complete strangers and they were scared to ruin a good thing by saying something that the other wouldn’t like. That level of understand is yet to be reached between them. By the time they had exited the coffee shop, he knew that both of them had to go separate ways since they stayed on opposite side of the city, so he asked if she wanted to walk for a bit and since it was pretty late, he promised to drop her home.

He had his fingers crossed behind him hoping that she would answer in his favor and to his surprise, she did. They had walked around for a bit longer than they had hoped to and they were in the backseat of the cab where he was doing as he had promised to drop her home even though she insisted that she could go on her own, which was a lie. Yes, she could go but she would have preferred not to, especially if it was him accompanying her. They reached her home and made their way to her house. He had informed the cab driver to wait and keep the meter on as he didn’t know what would happen in the next few minutes- whether he would stay over or have to return back to his home to one sleepless night(s). And as they reached the door, a million thoughts flooded his mind and so did hers. He didn’t know what to say and what to do. She was flustered already that he was at her doorstep and she wanted him in her house, sit by the fire and talk the night away, but didn’t know how to ask him. Meanwhile, before he was about to bid farewell, he opened his arms saying that he had the best night in a very long time and that she was a very special person. As they hugged, their bodies talked to each other in that warm embrace, a spark went inside each other’s heart and before she could process what was happening inside her, she kissed on his cheek and invited him inside. He ran back to the cab and paid the fare and came back into her house.

They crashed in the couch as she offered him a glass of wine. A soft music played in the background. All this was done by her while he ran back to the cab to pay the fare. And when the music in the background hit the right note, they looked at each other, into their eyes and it happened again, a spark in their eyes that called out to each other. They came a little close to each other, diving deep into each other’s eyes and they came close enough to breathe each other in.

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To be continued …
(Or should it be stopped here?
If you’re reading this, drop in your opinions what could happen, in your opinion. )

 

Flawed.

How important is love? How important is loving a person? And how much more important is loving a person who loves you unconditionally, without any expectations. Wait, a few expectations, scratch that a little too much expectations, but still loves unconditionally.

How flawed I must be to not resonate the same love? How lost I must be to not acknowledge the depth of the concern showered all over me ? How broken I must be to not understand the gravity of the emotion shared?

They said, it’s pure. They said, it’s ethereal. They said, it’s unconditionally out of the world. And yet I failed to even scratch even the surface. As far as I could remember, I have tried to maintain my distance. The text messages that kept coming like a daily ritual, only to be answered with a big sigh once a day, that too after a consistent array of messages overflowing the inbox of concern. I failed to understand. Or that time when the phone rang and I sighed a little and let the ring die out, a couple too many times. And then when left with no other choice, tried to keep the conversation to a bare minimum by using just one word answers. Or those white lies, I kept telling to put the phone down to text someone I didn’t even know or be done with the call. I failed to understand. And when I was called to be at home for holidays, how I kept evading, every time. “Why aren’t you going home for holidays“, when asked by people around me, I cooked up an ever  so brilliant story such as how my parents weren’t at home or were busy with something or whatever hit my mind at that time.

Under the cacophony of multitudes, I never even tried to understand, to be fair. With each thought that passes by, it makes me realize that there is something hauntingly broken inside of me that fails to process the emotions, the purest that there is, the feelings which should have come naturally, and yet they are nowhere to be felt. And all along, all my attempts to be a part of the crowd, to not be so messed up, in the inside, I smiled at the pleasant stories they told, got angry at the insensitivity, because anything otherwise is an abomination of human existence. And in an attempt to be normal, I wished her “Happy Mother’s Day” over a text.

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Twenty Seventeen!

 

A silent breeze swept past me, like a silent shadow in the night. A calm hush of the noise like a distant murmur sunk in the shadows behind me. The muted world stood in silence in the warm embrace of the night, comforting yet missing something. An unspeakable void that kept haunting the silent corners of the mind. I stared at the sky above me to immerse myself in the effervescence of the dark night. Somehow, this darkness never felt so dark. It was my comfort, my solace to the agitation, my safe harbour. I continued staring at the sky above. Perhaps, I was looking for a sign, that was long-lost on me. Or perhaps I just wanted to embrace this moment.

Fireworks. The figments of small and brighter lights filled the sky. The man-made stars that danced with symphony in their agility. Shining in their ever so bright clamour; so close and ever so beautiful. The celebration of sorts in the sky, mesmerizing the world below and the universe beyond. Ah, what a sight it was. This moment was too perfect to be true. I curbed my urge to pinch myself and wake me from my slumber, if at all it was. I gradually sunk in the moment, reminiscing the dreams of yesteryear, the present and hopes as I stared and communicated with the sky above in silence. The million stars that have been there for me in thick and thin, in happiness and sadness, when no one else was. As I embraced my inner inhibitions and the warmth of the hopes, I could hear cheer, as a distant noise reverberating so close to me.

Excitement. The cheer slowly started to build up and resonated in the whole atmosphere. There were people everywhereand I had been at the middle of this crowd. But somehow, even though I was there at the center of thousands of people, there was a moment, a moment when everything around blurred, the people, their chatter, their cheer, the noise, everything was a distane echo and I was just alone for miles away. I was romancing the air, filled with my desires and hope, embracing the inhibitions; and was at peace staring at the multitude of stars that spread across the horizon slowly getting draped in fireworks. But this crowd, this humongous crowd that cheered so loud that I couldn’t even hear my own thoughts.

I woke up slowly from my slumber to see the happy faces, smiling, staring at the sky above, a little like I was, perhaps contemplating the year the passed by and making new dreams and hope as they kissed their loved ones. I stood in muted silence as the  crowd sunk into celebrations, the onset of yet another glorious year, with renowned hopes and determination. All soulful people walked around with happiness radiating from them, not just that usual happiness, but the sort that comes from the heart, that’s just too serene to watch.

I stood there amidst all the chaos, contemplating the happy crowd as they disappeared into the background. That’s when I caught a glimpse of my own reflection, in its absolute contrast. As reality slowly sunk in, the shattered dreams echoed in the reminiscence of the mind, the mind went wary and the heart heavier. Everything blurred again, and suddenly there I was, alone, sinking in the ocean, trying to breathe, for one last time.

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Happy New Year.
I hope you have a great year ahead and all your dreams be fulfilled.

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P.S. I am sorry, but someone said I was too negative, I was too pessimistic. I claimed myslf to be pessimistic. And no, I am not proving them right. I am just being myself.

Image Courtesy : Quote Fancy