.unsaid

I am not okay;
never was.
.ᴇ ɴ ɪ ɢ ᴍ ᴀ

I have said it. A couple too many times. I have said it in metaphors, translating in words that I didn’t even understand and in between the lines, or perhaps all is lost in translation.. But at the core of the things, it is still there. And I have said it way too many times or that’s how I feel. I am still here trying to say, let me rephrase.. I am trying to express in words that apparently don’t reach the people. I am not being cautious, perhaps I am scared. Or perhaps, I don’t know how to do it, how to say it bluntly. I will beat around the bush but I will not say it as it should be said, out loud, crystal clear.

May be that is why I can’t ever feel content with it, content with writing it off and hoping that it will do it’s magic of not making a permanent house in my mind. But, I am at loss of words. Writing was always my solace, my way of letting the things go and hoping that the new day that follows will be less burdened and also refreshing. Imagine the day when we don’t worry about yesterday and looking forward to great day that is to follow. How beautiful the sunshine will be, how melodious those birds chirp, how clear the sky is and how great the morning glory feels like. And in all adversity, how happy we will be, from the inside.

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While I write this, I have hit the backspace a little too much. I might as well have published with the words that I backspaced. I don’t know why! I don’t know why I am so unsure about writing about what I really want to write. I wonder if I am bothered by something that I am having second thoughts on how to put it in writing. I am sure nothing is bothering me. And I think I don’t just want to write them down. I don’t want me to validate it by writing it down. I just don’t want to sign it off as exactly what it is. Because as hopeless and crass I might be, I will try to look for that tiny lost hope that it will all get better soon. That, things will change and I won’t be in this place where I currently am at. You might… let me rephrase, I am not but I think I am a little superstitious. I don’t like things getting jinxed, as in like if I tell something bad, it will definitely happen, and if I say something good, it will never happen. I have this superpower that I control the world, my world. I just have to think of it, the good or the bad and it will happen, just the one I really don’t want to.

I have written about it. I continue to write about it. But at some point, it feels repetitive. Like the earlier few lines. But today I will “really” write it. Hopefully, I won’t bring any metaphors or hide between the lines!

I am in pain, mentally and emotionally. I am hurt on the inside. I have felt hurt for as long I can remember. But I put on a façade and tell everyone that I am okay. No! I am not! I am not okay! I never was, am, and I don’t know whether I ever will be. There is a commotion inside, and that never settles. The mind is restless. While things happen and people console that it is alright since it happens for a good reason, you try to calm that restlessness in the mind. It feels better to know that there is a greener side and that there will be a knock on the door called opportunity. While the mind doesn’t stay calm for long, another thing happens, and there are voices it is for the good. I calm the mind saying that it is just round the corner. While I am in these phases, I write it down. Because writing is my solace. And I end writing that painful post about the pain that the mind is in, that I am in, while I start to feel a bit relieve and feeling that peace approacing me, there is another thing that happens. And I repeat the whole process over and again, hoping that one day it will just end. And honestly, I am getting tired of trying to write about this everytime, differently every time. I have a whole book with pages filled with this and I wonder is this how it is going to be, for the rest of the life! Is this anyway how life should be? That metamorphical rock that I keep carrying just keeps getting heavier. At one point, I just might collapse and there is no coming back when it does!

______

.ᴇ ɴ ɪ ɢ ᴍ ᴀ

Never Again

We cross the lines labelled never to cross.
– eɴʏɢma

She had been holding on to it for quite a while. There was a lot going on in her mind. And it was getting frustrating with each passing moment. Even though what has occupied her mind is a beautiful memory yet, she had been feeling about it all this while. It has been two days and she was probably dying to speak to anyone so that she could ease the burden on her shoulders. What could it be which is weighing her down so much in spite of that memory being a beautiful one? She had been feeling bad because of what she had done and it is morally questionable. As if she had thought of the moral quotient or so to speak her integrity.

“I kissed another guy”

She met him online on Twitter. A few words here and a few there, a little flirting and a lot more love (or so it might seem like), a bit of truth and lot of falsity, a bit of infatuation a lot of lust. It seemed mutual, the infatuation..er the lust. The love is still a questionable aspect because both were in a relationship, with someone else. Numbers were exchanged and chats turned to video calls and the rest was history. But all changed one day.

It was the day when he told that he was still in a relationship and that this girl from Twitter was a happy time pass and that this promise of getting intimate was still on the cards because that was what he was looking for. A fling on the side while having a girlfriend. She was devastated with the development that blew up in her face. She wasn’t as faithful as she should be and yet this came as a shock to her. She felt used, she felt betrayed, she felt hurt and in all she felt cheated.

He was blocked from contacting her. She made sure of that. Because she didn’t want to be that person who would be manipulated and used for a casual intimate encounter. But…she used to check him out once in a while. She was intimidated. She was in love, but didn’t want to admit that, to anyone and to herself. Because at the back of her head there was a voice shouting about all the morality of the situation she was putting herself in.

She got a call from him. She was shocked and yet at the same time intrigued that he called her. He was outside her college. She was at loss of words. She was in his car and she had lost herself. Then she kissed. They both kissed. She enjoyed every moment of that. She wanted more of that. But that moral police roaming around with a siren on top had been shouting that this is wrong, that she should stop it, that she should not even encourage it. In spite of all the red tape and X marks she went to his home, in her own accord. The fantasy had to happen. She wanted it to happen. She could have avoided all that because in some distant corner of her mind there was a voice shouting to her to not do any of it, standing over the moral integral line and urging her to not cross that line. She heard that voice, its agitated-frustrated and extremely loud but it faded away when he went all cheesy on her.

She knew that it was wrong but then again her desire to make that fantasy true was more strong. It overpowered her and she didn’t have much choice. Well, she had but she choose to ignore it nonetheless. And then again, it was the best one she ever had. She was beyond happy. She was elated. She enjoyed every bit of it.

It was a day after that she came out from the trance and saw all the moral police with their angry faces. She was supposed to feel guilty, but she didn’t. She was getting frustrated about her inability to feel even a bit of guilt for the things she did. She wanted to share with someone but then again she was scared of driving people away because of the weight of the thing she was about to share.

_______

She didn’t want something this to happen again, ever. She didn’t want anything like this to happen in the first place. She didn’t want to meet him. She didn’t want to talk to him. She didn’t even want to think about him. She knows how wrong it is, how immoral it is, this being unfaithful to someone else is. And yet she did every single bit of it. But then again, she doesn’t regret what she has done. She will probably (not probably, definitely) do it again all over again. She knows that too that she will. Perhaps, she wants so.

_______

Let’s take a moment to reflect at the people and their behaviour. Being faithful is an integral part of a person. But then again when they happen to be unfaithful what are the possible reasons for going ahead with it? Does it have to do anything with them being unhappy with the present relationship? Or is it the fun or excitement in crossing that line? Do reflect your opinions about the people being in such situations and crossing the line they know they shouldn’t cross! What’s your take on it? Well let me repharase and be more blunt at this because I am sure people have opinions like always but when it comes to them they evade. So, what would you do? You love someone but you have a desire to be someone else! And you know it is wrong, but you want it very very badly. What would you do?

But let’s just appreciate this quote that blew my mind. What beauty is this? :

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Realization.

You time is my memory.
_____

What is it called which hurts the most? What is that simple thing that makes you realize your gravest mistake? Why is it that, it being just in front of our eyes we want to ignore? There are a lot of questions that whisper silently yet screaming in the head. Pain ah, man’s ultimate solitude. A fortress that we build in the name of pain and its outcome. Without pain, there is no gain. Someone said it and that humble someone is probably right. But how does it fall into place? How does it know when to fall in place? Time, a morbid concept of reality, tricky yet precious, at the same time.

Let me start by first apologizing to the people who apparently think that I am not good enough for being a friend. For the past 24 odd years, I never had the liberty of having a friend, let alone a best friend. There might be a reason to it, but it doesn’t need explaining. At the end of the day, I am still the same person I was a day ago, or a decade ago. I may have grown up or old but I have done with only me, I alone. People are fascinating beings. When I have spent a major chunk of my life being in the company of myself, there comes a time when one realizes to look around and most importantly look at the people around. It is even more moving when some of these people actually look back at you and spend some of their time with you. Time, that precious chunk of one’s life that once spent could never be taken back or changed or bargained for. Don’t you think it is precious? I do.

I had the luxury of meeting some of the amazing people here on blogosphere. I agree that I am not one of the most charming people who has a way with words, or a witty one, or as a matter of fact not even normal. I am just a plain old boring soul. Having said that I have come across some of the people who are just too amazing. I know that becoming a friend needs to meet certain criteria, which I was hoping to meet over the course of time. So, it began. The conversations. Be it comments, emails or WhatsApp chat, I was aiming to meet their checklist, having already checked my only point in my checklist which read as “Time“. If they could spare some of their time for me, that in itself is such a big thing. But, I made a mistake of assuming.

I have traveled places all my childhood, not by choice but by compulsion. This should have been an added bonus, but this somehow shut be out. It is always not easy to adjust to the new environment, new people, their habits, their way of expressing. I have seen it all and have slowly adapted to each one. During all this, this coping and matching their tempo, the level of understanding, something in me snapped which made sure that I was uber cautious of the people around me, about what to say and what not to say. This dilemma slowly set to a conclusion that it is better not to speak than say something and make a fool of myself. This became quite difficult for people to adjust to me, and I to them. Eventually, I became my own company and the friendship days became just a namesake day to wish people whom I apparently knew also called as classmates, and vice versa.

Recently, I had met some new people – at work and online here through blogs. All of them are way too amazing people. Then came the first Sunday of August, which we all know what it is. So, I waited to check if anyone considered me in their list, whether I was able to cross off their check

.boxes. It was at the end of the day that I realized that I still have a long way to go. But, before this I did something. As I have already mentioned that my criteria has just one checkbox and it’s checked for most people. So, I made a post for them. It’s not one of those heart warming posts that you might think, but it is something I like to cherish by mentioning the few people who have been a part of my journey through blogging. I spent the whole night drafting and redrafting and finally rambling something. It is not a great post, but it wasn’t all that bad either. I finally posted it and waited.

The whole of Friendship Day I was on a lookout for people I may know or might have heard of me, or probably might remember me, which was rare, but hope is a pitiful thing, isn’t it? After a whole day of contemplation and exasperation, I have finally manned up a bit and decided to invade their “friend-time”, so I sent out messages to people from my office and emails to the people I have been in contact with. And boy, was I surprised to see the responses.

  1. Who said I was your friend?
    A common courtesy of thank you would have sufficed. I didn’t ask for much. I was expecting anything more either. A simple “Thank you. Same to you too” could have just made my day. But well.
  2. The courteous friend :
    Thank you to you too.Courteous
  3. Validation :
    I guess I needed to be validated as well.Validation
  4. I don’t, really!
    So, I told this generous person to kindly read the blog post in which I have mentioned them, but who really cares anyway.

Probably, I got what I deserved. My sincere apologies for jumping into conclusions at the first sight of conversation. Hopefully, I will be more careful.

A life withered and dying.

Disclaimer : Not what you are expecting. Don’t.

Dilemma

There comes a time when the words doesn’t make sense, when the time is too fast and when we have lost our way. Floating in the imaginary bubble that someday, anytime now that streak will hit us and the whole world would change around us. But there is no such silver lining, as they have said. Being lost is a trivial phenomenon we usually come across. The problem lies when we still float in that bubble of so called life.

Life is hard. We have heard that a lot, haven’t we? As a matter of fact, we have said it a lot many times. Probably, it was the gray area in our life and we were going through a rough patch and feel that huge burden of life pulling us down. But that phase passes away because we have struggled through it and made our way through the most complex phase of our life.

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But there are certain instances when the life even though isn’t so heavy on the shoulders, we tend to feel lost. Yes, we are again in that self exploration stage and we are very much lost. We seek guidance. We get the much needed guidance, some do follow and get a different perspective at life and are out of that pickle. But some, some are so stubborn that they want to make a life on their own. This is also good, because they will go through the complex mixtures of life and since they have a steadfast heart and know where they are supposed to be going, they will strive to reach their destination. In both cases, people are successful. But they were once who have said that life is hard and nothing goes according to them. Now they will be sitting at a table clinging their glasses and are content with the life they hence earned.

Let me introduce this rare kind. I am one of those who despite knowing that life is hard and despite the guidances and every help at my disposal decided to take something else as an ambition. Death. Whoa! Wait a second! Did you exclaim that? I bet you have. But yes, I have always wanted to die. Yes, I had thought of myself driving a luxury car, living in a mansion, owning a personal jet and whatnot. But then those were dreams. Truth be told, I have never seen past myself for even a year in the future. When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years from now?”, I lie. I lie every time. I as so reserved with my decision that I haven’t told anyone. But I wait for holidays. Why? I don’t want to attract much attention. I don’t want people to know that this guy really did that. No wonder I have kept people away from me, no friends whatsoever. And love, huh, I haven’t loved myself enough, where can I get the guts to love someone else. But yes, I have loathed the people who have made bigger despite the odds, who are climbing up the walls despite the obstacles. I have envyed them. But I have never got past my obstacle that I created for myself.

Every time I ask myself what will be next year like and I would respond, I hope I don’t live long enough to find out.
Why don’t I turn my life around? I don’t know. Probably, I am stuck in that limbo and am refusing to come out. Dammit.
Why do I want to die? Interesting question. I guess, I lost hope on myself. And hate everything about me to the core.
What went so wrong? I went wrong. I decided to take the easy way out.
Why am I being such a stupid person? I wish I had an answer.
Am I mad? Yes, most definitely.

Yes, I have these questions too. I wish I had the proper answers as well. I am just bloody lost with not definitive ground beneath my feet. And I am in that place where I am sinking deep and not doing anything to swim to the shore. I am tired? No, I am just too idle to work out on what’s important and turn things around.

What would you do if you could go back in time and change one thing?
Yes, I could do that and probably slap myself hard enough to come to my senses and not to let myself so down that I get lost in the limbo of life.
But no.
I would go back even further and probably prevent a kid from dying. The very reason for my stupid survival was his death. I was the second child. But I had been the eldest for a major part of my life. But then I was told that i had a brother before me. And he died after 5 days of his birth. When I heard this, I was too young to respond or voice out any opinion. I didn’t understand life then. And that his demise was a result for my birth a year later. Or else my parents would have waited for a considerable time before they made any plans for another kid.

I realized this pretty late. And that I am the product of a death. And I have always wanted to die for as long as I remember. And this is the only reason perhaps that is holding me back from fulfilling my self proclaimed prophecy. Probably you are cursing, probably you are saying what kind of a fucked up person I am, or probably you are pitying me. Or well, you don’t give a fucking damn about this. I won’t blame you. I brought this upon myself, so I am not expecting you to show pity or give a damn about all this.

And don’t get me started on God, I have had so many trivial instances and God hasn’t been there is help in any. No wonder I have lost faith in him that very first time I learned about the death of a child. If there really was God, that wouldn’t have happened. I rest my case.

But keeping the supernatural entity at bay, we

I wish I knew how to make things better. I wish. I wish I knew how to turn things around.

PS: Why I wrote this? I don’t know. I just wanted peace, I guess.