Realization.

You time is my memory.
_____

What is it called which hurts the most? What is that simple thing that makes you realize your gravest mistake? Why is it that, it being just in front of our eyes we want to ignore? There are a lot of questions that whisper silently yet screaming in the head. Pain ah, man’s ultimate solitude. A fortress that we build in the name of pain and its outcome. Without pain, there is no gain. Someone said it and that humble someone is probably right. But how does it fall into place? How does it know when to fall in place? Time, a morbid concept of reality, tricky yet precious, at the same time.

Let me start by first apologizing to the people who apparently think that I am not good enough for being a friend. For the past 24 odd years, I never had the liberty of having a friend, let alone a best friend. There might be a reason to it, but it doesn’t need explaining. At the end of the day, I am still the same person I was a day ago, or a decade ago. I may have grown up or old but I have done with only me, I alone. People are fascinating beings. When I have spent a major chunk of my life being in the company of myself, there comes a time when one realizes to look around and most importantly look at the people around. It is even more moving when some of these people actually look back at you and spend some of their time with you. Time, that precious chunk of one’s life that once spent could never be taken back or changed or bargained for. Don’t you think it is precious? I do.

I had the luxury of meeting some of the amazing people here on blogosphere. I agree that I am not one of the most charming people who has a way with words, or a witty one, or as a matter of fact not even normal. I am just a plain old boring soul. Having said that I have come across some of the people who are just too amazing. I know that becoming a friend needs to meet certain criteria, which I was hoping to meet over the course of time. So, it began. The conversations. Be it comments, emails or WhatsApp chat, I was aiming to meet their checklist, having already checked my only point in my checklist which read as “Time“. If they could spare some of their time for me, that in itself is such a big thing. But, I made a mistake of assuming.

I have traveled places all my childhood, not by choice but by compulsion. This should have been an added bonus, but this somehow shut be out. It is always not easy to adjust to the new environment, new people, their habits, their way of expressing. I have seen it all and have slowly adapted to each one. During all this, this coping and matching their tempo, the level of understanding, something in me snapped which made sure that I was uber cautious of the people around me, about what to say and what not to say. This dilemma slowly set to a conclusion that it is better not to speak than say something and make a fool of myself. This became quite difficult for people to adjust to me, and I to them. Eventually, I became my own company and the friendship days became just a namesake day to wish people whom I apparently knew also called as classmates, and vice versa.

Recently, I had met some new people – at work and online here through blogs. All of them are way too amazing people. Then came the first Sunday of August, which we all know what it is. So, I waited to check if anyone considered me in their list, whether I was able to cross off their check

.boxes. It was at the end of the day that I realized that I still have a long way to go. But, before this I did something. As I have already mentioned that my criteria has just one checkbox and it’s checked for most people. So, I made a post for them. It’s not one of those heart warming posts that you might think, but it is something I like to cherish by mentioning the few people who have been a part of my journey through blogging. I spent the whole night drafting and redrafting and finally rambling something. It is not a great post, but it wasn’t all that bad either. I finally posted it and waited.

The whole of Friendship Day I was on a lookout for people I may know or might have heard of me, or probably might remember me, which was rare, but hope is a pitiful thing, isn’t it? After a whole day of contemplation and exasperation, I have finally manned up a bit and decided to invade their “friend-time”, so I sent out messages to people from my office and emails to the people I have been in contact with. And boy, was I surprised to see the responses.

  1. Who said I was your friend?
    A common courtesy of thank you would have sufficed. I didn’t ask for much. I was expecting anything more either. A simple “Thank you. Same to you too” could have just made my day. But well.
  2. The courteous friend :
    Thank you to you too.Courteous
  3. Validation :
    I guess I needed to be validated as well.Validation
  4. I don’t, really!
    So, I told this generous person to kindly read the blog post in which I have mentioned them, but who really cares anyway.

Probably, I got what I deserved. My sincere apologies for jumping into conclusions at the first sight of conversation. Hopefully, I will be more careful.

For Life.

The initial intention was to lay low, not make much noise, keep everything to myself and may be share some of my darkest inhibitions. I had friends on almost every social media. I am sorry, let me rephrase. There were people who knew me, mostly because I was that annoying guy abruptly invading their online space. I am an introvert by heart. I don’t mingle with people. As a matter of fact, God forbid, if I were caught by Police or I suddenly get into an extreme case of emergency, I have no one to call to. This is bad. This is very bad. Well, let’s some I don’t get to that phase. I know what you are thinking. I need to change my thinking. I need to get some friends on which I can count on. Well, if only I had that mind of yours, I would be at the top of the world, wait, that’s too cold up there, but somewhere top.

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I started off writing my blog mid of last year. I had a lot of things that I wanted to write about. I had letters that I used to write almost every single day. Most of the letters were just curses to the one and only supreme entity, because clearly I had…have issues. So, I tried to get down and all dirty. I did write a couple of posts and published, which were kind of very personal and horrible in all ways possible. Horrible, in the sense of if we are talking about it with the perspective of Life and where I stand. It was horrible letters. I had hoped that I will continue writing, but then I lost the enthusiasm of copying my slowly turning pale pages onto my blog. So, I decided to stick to normal routine of writing and probably meet some people from different wakes of life. I started following and reading quite a few people. I used to comment and always had the last comment even if the comment was blank, because people do get pissed off of a sticky guy poking too much. It didn’t seem to work either. It was then I decided to quit all this. But then I came across one profile where the author wanted to become penpals, which was my idea in the first place. So, like the weird guy I was, I poked the bear. I got the reply. So, that was the first person I met, who despite knowing did me a great favor. I was this close to giving up on the blog, but then the writer’s reply did what CPR does to a dying person. It revived my enthusiasm. I have had met some amazing people since then. I would like to dedicate this post in their favor. I am apologizing well in advance for what I am about to tell. I don’t know whether I am considered as a friend by the people who follow, I have always treasured the little conversations that happened. I said treasured because you gave your time for me. And I would never forget that. I am not entirely sure whether I would be qualified to be one among your long list of friends, but you guys definitely are.
Secretive Writer : As the name itself suggest secret, there is no doubt who the person is. The person in, Shhh, it’s a secret, (for a reason). The blogger who unknowningly pulled me out of the drowning sea. I would like to call her a friend, though I haven’t met her or even know her name.
Wandering Violet : The second secretive person, I have come across. But always a great sport. I piss her off a lot occasionally. Ok ok, I piss her off all the time. May be that’s why she ain’t reading my blog. But none the less, a great person. After having met this person (online, without a name), I have realized that it is possible to make friends without knowing each other and not having met either. Having said that perhaps one day I do get to meet this amazing person.
Darshith : I didn’t meet him or know him. I just came across him through his blog. He is kinda busy right now, and perhaps have completely forgotten me. But like I have said, I treasure each and every one.
Sathyaghan : The guy who almost stole my screen name for a post of his. Well, he actually did. But he didn’t steal. He was creative in his own way and happened to come up with something brilliant which matched my screen name. He is also the guy who thinks highly of me. I have tried to explain to him that I suck at writing, but he insists otherwise. I hope you guys agree with me and put some sense into this guy.
Infinity Magic : This person is amazing in her own way. However annoying and whatnot, I had some great time talking over emails. Pen Pals, my friend. Perhaps, not anymore. But we had our moment. May be, we will again.
Whimsical90 : Another amazing person I have met online and have influenced me in quite so many ways. Let me tell about this person a bit. Her being a girl and I being a guy did raise some red flags, because for starters I was anonymous, which is itself a no-no. But she was such a great sport. At one point, she felt that she wasn’t comfortable talking to a complete stranger. Oh and she wasn’t anonymous. So, I felt that as a friend(or may be not)…acquaintance, I should give her the opportunity, or perhaps she has the right to know who I was. But, I didn’t quite think that through or perhaps I overstepped some boundary, which I didn’t realize. My sincere apologies. Anyhow, she had been a great (ahem) friend and hopefully she will be now.
SevenThirtyAM : Some witty comment sparked inquisitive mind of a doctor-to-be to know the person behind the mask. I tried my best to evade the identity disclosure, because that’s what secret agents do. But I gave in. Girls, I tell you, have the power. So, I have pissed this person off like anything. But like always, she is always a great sport.
Aarzoo : I have come across her on the social media, Twitter. I had read her blog earlier, but didn’t get a chance to connect. One thing led to another, somehow and I now have another friend.
Pratishtha : Another sweet person I have come across on the blogosphere, who is currently not responding. May be, not in the friend-list anymore.
Aanchal : She uncle-zoned me, like literally uncle-zoned. I couldn’t believe she did that. I am not that old, for your information. She has nominated me for an challenge and I still haven’t taken it.
There are a lot of people I have come across but I have never got a chance to interact with them on a personal level. No, not very personal. But not other than the blog related posts or comments.
Kritika Vashist,  Roberta Pimentel, Akhila ( who has nominated me for the quote challenge which I still haven’t taken up. Sorry), Muskaan ( who has nominated me for the Liebster Award, which also wasn’t taken up. Sorry). Shambavi31 ( who has nominated me for One lovely award, which also I have’t taken up. Sorry again. I am such a terrible person.), Phoenix09, Honeyvicious, Pratyusha, Soumya MishraAbhijit ( who has given me a Blogger Recognition Award and also who doesn’t even remember me now), Vidisha Kaushik to name a few. And also each and every one who reads my blog, who comments, who reads but doesn’t leave a comment, who liked my posts, who likes my posts but doesn’t read it, who likes my comments on their blog, who replies to my comments on their blog, who likes my comments on their blog but doesn’t reply.
I mean to each and everyone “Happy Friendship Day”.