Never Again

We cross the lines labelled never to cross.
– eɴʏɢma

She had been holding on to it for quite a while. There was a lot going on in her mind. And it was getting frustrating with each passing moment. Even though what has occupied her mind is a beautiful memory yet, she had been feeling about it all this while. It has been two days and she was probably dying to speak to anyone so that she could ease the burden on her shoulders. What could it be which is weighing her down so much in spite of that memory being a beautiful one? She had been feeling bad because of what she had done and it is morally questionable. As if she had thought of the moral quotient or so to speak her integrity.

“I kissed another guy”

She met him online on Twitter. A few words here and a few there, a little flirting and a lot more love (or so it might seem like), a bit of truth and lot of falsity, a bit of infatuation a lot of lust. It seemed mutual, the infatuation..er the lust. The love is still a questionable aspect because both were in a relationship, with someone else. Numbers were exchanged and chats turned to video calls and the rest was history. But all changed one day.

It was the day when he told that he was still in a relationship and that this girl from Twitter was a happy time pass and that this promise of getting intimate was still on the cards because that was what he was looking for. A fling on the side while having a girlfriend. She was devastated with the development that blew up in her face. She wasn’t as faithful as she should be and yet this came as a shock to her. She felt used, she felt betrayed, she felt hurt and in all she felt cheated.

He was blocked from contacting her. She made sure of that. Because she didn’t want to be that person who would be manipulated and used for a casual intimate encounter. But…she used to check him out once in a while. She was intimidated. She was in love, but didn’t want to admit that, to anyone and to herself. Because at the back of her head there was a voice shouting about all the morality of the situation she was putting herself in.

She got a call from him. She was shocked and yet at the same time intrigued that he called her. He was outside her college. She was at loss of words. She was in his car and she had lost herself. Then she kissed. They both kissed. She enjoyed every moment of that. She wanted more of that. But that moral police roaming around with a siren on top had been shouting that this is wrong, that she should stop it, that she should not even encourage it. In spite of all the red tape and X marks she went to his home, in her own accord. The fantasy had to happen. She wanted it to happen. She could have avoided all that because in some distant corner of her mind there was a voice shouting to her to not do any of it, standing over the moral integral line and urging her to not cross that line. She heard that voice, its agitated-frustrated and extremely loud but it faded away when he went all cheesy on her.

She knew that it was wrong but then again her desire to make that fantasy true was more strong. It overpowered her and she didn’t have much choice. Well, she had but she choose to ignore it nonetheless. And then again, it was the best one she ever had. She was beyond happy. She was elated. She enjoyed every bit of it.

It was a day after that she came out from the trance and saw all the moral police with their angry faces. She was supposed to feel guilty, but she didn’t. She was getting frustrated about her inability to feel even a bit of guilt for the things she did. She wanted to share with someone but then again she was scared of driving people away because of the weight of the thing she was about to share.

_______

She didn’t want something this to happen again, ever. She didn’t want anything like this to happen in the first place. She didn’t want to meet him. She didn’t want to talk to him. She didn’t even want to think about him. She knows how wrong it is, how immoral it is, this being unfaithful to someone else is. And yet she did every single bit of it. But then again, she doesn’t regret what she has done. She will probably (not probably, definitely) do it again all over again. She knows that too that she will. Perhaps, she wants so.

_______

Let’s take a moment to reflect at the people and their behaviour. Being faithful is an integral part of a person. But then again when they happen to be unfaithful what are the possible reasons for going ahead with it? Does it have to do anything with them being unhappy with the present relationship? Or is it the fun or excitement in crossing that line? Do reflect your opinions about the people being in such situations and crossing the line they know they shouldn’t cross! What’s your take on it? Well let me repharase and be more blunt at this because I am sure people have opinions like always but when it comes to them they evade. So, what would you do? You love someone but you have a desire to be someone else! And you know it is wrong, but you want it very very badly. What would you do?

But let’s just appreciate this quote that blew my mind. What beauty is this? :

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The Wait

“Not knowing is far worse than knowing what was wrong.”

Have you ever been in a dilemma where you want to say everything , but don’t. Because you are not sure how the person you want to say everything to would react. And that, their reaction is what scares you the most. And this being scared feeling eats you up inside, slowly. Then one moment you sit and write it all down and then again wonder just before finally hitting ‘send’, you don’t . You delete the whole thing because you don’t even want to send it by mistake and later regret, so you delete it completely. But you wonder that it might have turned it all right, if you had just sent that message. Because not knowing is far worse than knowing what was wrong, if there was anything at all. But then again, you feel that this confused state of mind is a much better place to be than making the worse of the two alternatives happen. Maybe everything is all okay. Maybe you are just over thinking. Maybe it is all in your head. You console yourself that everything is just normal.

Then one day, later the same very day, you just can’t handle this confusion that the mind is creating. The dilemma is just taxing on your work and in turn it is affecting you in more ways than you think it isn’t. And you realize that your heart is sinking and that it is being pulled down as if it is getting heavier with each moment that you are contemplating. You feel that it is not strong enough to handle such pressure; the pressure of not-knowing, the pressure of what might, the pressure of what if, the pressure of this dilemma, and everything combined. So, you sit down and search for that previously deleted text. You write it all over again anyway, trying to choose the right words but that taxing of your mind by that pressure just doesn’t let you have a proper train of thought. But somehow you write that heartfelt, or to be precise whatever is weighing you down, and finally send it, after contemplating for a few hours.

You regret immediately for even sending the message. May be it was too short, or may be it was too much, maybe it was inappropriate, but you shouldn’t have sent that in the first place.  You curse yourself for sending. Oh god, what have you done? How can i undo this? Shit! Shit! Shit! You even feel the whole universe seems to say so. You hold your head in your hands for making that mistake. But yet, you wait. You wait for a reply. Each second feels like an hour and each ticking sound of your watch makes you more and more nervous. You are this close to having a nervous breakdown. And then the status change to “Online“. Your heart skips a beat. You start to sweat. The message is now in read state. And you can feel your heart in your mouth. And yet you wait. You wait for a reply. There is none. A few seconds pass away, and yet there is no reply. You wait for more time, perhaps she is writing a lengthy reply. Or maybe it wasn’t well received and this was the end of it. And despite all that’s weighing you down, you cling to that tiny thread of hope. You keep clinging to that thread which seems to be breaking off. But there is no reply, and you find yourself falling down and everything seems to flash in front of your eyes, but you still don’t know what was the thing that you did was wrong and led to this distance. Even during that fall, your mind is making all the scenarios to make sense of all this that left you in splits. You cruse your overthinking stupid brain. And gradually, you die of overthinking and anticipation and all that overwhelming feelings. But, but.. that dilemma still haunts you even after.

______

P.S. I haven’t written for a while. It has literally been ages, since I wrote. I haven’t been able to bring myself to write. I have lost that train of thought and what  I earlier thought made it more broken. But I hope to get back to it, as soon as possible. I really apologize for not being able to read any of the blog posts. I really look forward to doing it from now on. 

 

Solitude

The world faded in vibrant shades of people, the commotion increasing with each cheer, a smile here, a hug there, a shout here, a fist bump there.  The crowd got a little more momentum when more people joined the celebration as the music blared in the background. The ground vibrated with the joy of people dancing in their highest spirits. The air was filled with the spirit of what the people shared with each other, the bond that was so unique, pure and selfless; Friendship and Love. There was just happiness floating all around, the warmth that radiated from the heart.

_______

He stood there amidst the crowd as the people swarmed all around him. The feeling seemed contagious as he too was transpired in the moment and felt part of that celebrating crowd, high in their spirits; happy and content. The stars glittered ever so bright over the dome of endless sky. He loved to see how people enjoyed, and celebrated life. The happy faces were a sight to watch, the feeling shared among them was worth a memory. He didn’t dance like they did, he didn’t have company like they did, he didn’t feel what they felt, but all he did was try to sink that feeling in, something that he never had the pleasure of.

The clouds slowly engulfed the bright specks in the sky as the crowd slowly faded away to their next celebration. As the music played its last beat, the only sound that reverberated was the sound of his breath in an empty field. Of all that had happend that night, he knew this, the feeling that the ground underneath had; empty, he knew it way too well; and the sound, the silence that spread across the vastness, he knew it like he craved for it. And as reality sink in, he walked back to his home, alone, to his solitude.

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Flawed.

How important is love? How important is loving a person? And how much more important is loving a person who loves you unconditionally, without any expectations. Wait, a few expectations, scratch that a little too much expectations, but still loves unconditionally.

How flawed I must be to not resonate the same love? How lost I must be to not acknowledge the depth of the concern showered all over me ? How broken I must be to not understand the gravity of the emotion shared?

They said, it’s pure. They said, it’s ethereal. They said, it’s unconditionally out of the world. And yet I failed to even scratch even the surface. As far as I could remember, I have tried to maintain my distance. The text messages that kept coming like a daily ritual, only to be answered with a big sigh once a day, that too after a consistent array of messages overflowing the inbox of concern. I failed to understand. Or that time when the phone rang and I sighed a little and let the ring die out, a couple too many times. And then when left with no other choice, tried to keep the conversation to a bare minimum by using just one word answers. Or those white lies, I kept telling to put the phone down to text someone I didn’t even know or be done with the call. I failed to understand. And when I was called to be at home for holidays, how I kept evading, every time. “Why aren’t you going home for holidays“, when asked by people around me, I cooked up an ever  so brilliant story such as how my parents weren’t at home or were busy with something or whatever hit my mind at that time.

Under the cacophony of multitudes, I never even tried to understand, to be fair. With each thought that passes by, it makes me realize that there is something hauntingly broken inside of me that fails to process the emotions, the purest that there is, the feelings which should have come naturally, and yet they are nowhere to be felt. And all along, all my attempts to be a part of the crowd, to not be so messed up, in the inside, I smiled at the pleasant stories they told, got angry at the insensitivity, because anything otherwise is an abomination of human existence. And in an attempt to be normal, I wished her “Happy Mother’s Day” over a text.

_____

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What can we have?

 

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He stared into her eyes. Something was different about them. They twinkled the first time she saw him and that charm was still alive as she spoke about the week that passed by. The week she was away and didn’t get a chance to meet. He wasn’t listening to her, mostly it was nods acknowledging her thoughts. He was just lost in her sparkling eyes, full of enthusiasm. The animated hands, the curls of her hair bouncing on the shoulder and her lips soothing him in the most beautiful voice he had ever known. She was extremely happy to see him and so was he.

_____________

She smiled as he made his way and sat beside her. He was grinning and she was too lost in his charming smile. There was something building in the air and both chose to ignore. They were scared what would happen if they really explored the uncharted air. They had forged this bond of friendship over the last year. To avoid any new feelings to rise up and also to keep him engaged for as long as she could, she talked about everything she did and couldn’t do over the last weekend. And while she was at it, she also gossiped about her friends and colleagues. He was listening carefully, laughing when necessary and sharing his opinion whenever he opined. Taking turns as the conversation led from one thing to another he narrated his series of events for the week staring deep into her eyes, “God, I missed her”, he said under his breath.

There was silence when they reached the point where everything that was at the top of mind was over. Now, to keep the conversation going on, they were slowly digging and finding new topics. She smiled as if she read his mind that they were out of topics as at stared into each other, completely forgetting what was around them, the noise fading in the background. He leans in a little, finding his cue, in an attempt to make his intention clear as a sweat developed at the corner of his forehead. He was a little scared that this might go completely sideways and that, and that could never end well. He knew for sure. Her mind already got another old gossip but then her thoughts fall short as she sees him lean in, his eyes drowning in anticipation and she got the message, loud and clear as she leaned in, which was more of a reflex.They stared into each others’ eyes for one whole moment, as the world faded behind them. The limelight was on them and it was dark all around as they breathed into each other. Their lips close to each other and still staring into each other’s eyes. breathing each other in. A moment later they slip into a bliss as they danced to the rhythm of their heart beats with the same passion they had for each other. Everything they had kept hidden for so long, finally spoke with the unison of a kiss the one emotion they were so scared to express. The concept of time was forgotten as they wrapped each other in the warm embrace of one another, speaking to each other with their eyes closed.

And then she tapped on his hand. She smiled as he stared into her eyes. She was far, unlike a second earlier. She tapped again on his hand and he traced her hand on hid with a bright ring shining in glory on her finger. His smile slowly faded as realization set in.

Caught by the hook.

We feel trapped. We know it, but we won’t admit it. We actually like it somehow. But in the end it swallows us whole. We have known that all along, yet we haven’t done much about it. We didn’t want to. We were hopeful, that may be the tables will turn and everything will be all merry, just like you had imagined in your mind.

We all have crushes and people we love. We are sometimes scared to convey our feelings. So we keep them locked up. But we have that inhibition to show it, express it in any way possible. Eventually a possibility arises where we could do that. A phone call or a text message does that trick. You had been waiting for that text like forever and finally you jump with joy. It says your help is needed. You feel special, you feel wanted, you see yourself as the one saving the world (almost). And that is when we become numb in our minds and nod yes to everything they say. You are the savior, she had been waiting for, you say to yourself. And no matter what, you are ready to do whatever is put forth. Even if was something impossible, it’s a yes from your side. And try your best to make it happen. It is to show that you care, you could do what they ask for. And all you get in return is a thank you (sometimes) and a forgotten help.

The problem with this is under appreciation and taking you for granted. They never liked you as much as you had thought. They just knew you as a guy who could do thing(s) for them. Eventually, you will be forgotten and erased from the memory. But you would never forget that. You will save that text or that voice asking you for help. You will be hopeful, still. That someday they will realize what you had done for them. But what you fail to realize something really important.

And at one point you would snap out that delusion. You will lose all that hope. You will lose that secret admiration you had for them. You lose that hidden feelings you had for them.  But then you could do nothing about it. You are forgotten from their memory. You become nothing. And that deed you did for them, what deed ?


Unexpected.

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She brushed her hand through his hair. It was lunch time and she just had hers and he was yet to go. He was lost in his work over an intermittent issue. He was pulled back to reality and her touch was a relief to him. He realized he was hungry, but a hunger of different kind though. She smiled and whispered “Hey” into his ears. He forgot about the work and was drunk in her sweet voice. He had feelings for her and she was his friend. Feelings, he wasn’t sure what they meant. He smiled back at her and looked deep into her eyes.

She anticipated that he was busy and gestured him to carry on and turned to leave. His hand almost reached for her hand as an involuntary response to not let her go. Almost. She walked away with her back facing him. He kept looking at her, hoping that she will turn before disappearing into her work. And she did. His happiness had no bounds. But he pretended calm outside, but a grin escaped his face. She saw that, yet she didn’t understand what it meant! He looked away from him and grinned just like he did.

A couple of minutes later, she went to the pantry to fetch some coffee still thinking about her last encounter with him. Was he really into her ? Or was he just being a little playful? Or did he like her? Then why hasn’t he proposed yet? Why is he taking so long time. She was having a lot of unanswered questions. But she was happy for something and believed that she would be optimistic and everything would turn up perfectly, hoping that he is waiting for the right moment. She assured herself that she could wait and felt content in that fact.

She took her cup from the cup tray and placed it in the small opening of the coffee machine and started pressing the buttons to select her kind of afternoon poison. While she was waiting for the machine to do its magic, she felta warm hand clutching her hand turning her around. She wasn’t mentally prepared for this episode not it was appropriate for anyone to do this at office and she almost screamed. Her face had turned red, her brows raised and her eyes screamed shock. And all that vanished when her eyes met his, soft, dark brown eyes. The kind of eyes that spoke love, desire and affection at length. Not only that, she also saw want, a hint of desperation, a little fear and a little hesitation.

He was holding her in his arm, she was a litle bent backwards. He tucked her hair that fell on her forehead behind her ear. With a little hesitation, he said in a low soft voice that turned on her somehow, “I .. Love you”. He confessed while he ran his finger across edge of her lower lip. Before she could respond, he looked deep into her eyes implying that he meant what he said and wasted no more time. A moment later his lips met hers in a blissful union of two souls.

He took her lips, pink, soft , luscious and blissful taste of strawberry. They were the most kissable lips he had ever seen and it was a no-brainer that he couldn’t resist. She was taken aback for a second at his sudden confession and advance. But she knew that she also wanted this to happen. Though what she had in mind was a little different, but this was fine as well. She tried not to think too much about it and enjoy the moment. So, she didn’t hold back. She was somehow smitten by that kiss, overcame with bliss, floating on a cloud and feeling exquisite. She mirrored his passion and poured her emotions resulting in a stimulating ecstasy. He had not planned for this to happen. But he had given about this a couple of times if it ever came to this, yet he wasn’t sure how to. And now as it was finally happening he wanted every moment to count.

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He started kissing passionately, giving the hint of his tongue. It was new for him, for her, but both felt good. He was holding her face with one hand while the other one slowly crawled down to her curve and then slowly to her ass. He grabbed it as it was his own as the intensity of kissing increased a notch. It was getting really hot in the office pantry. She flung her arms around his shoulders running her hands through his soft hair, pushing towards her, to taste him, to devour him completely. His other hand which was holding her neck, slid down trailing the neck, the chest and then cupped her breast. He was hesitant but he had already taken that big risk. She was drowning in the passion of the moment that she enjoyed and couldn’t resist. Or perhaps she didn’t want to. Either way she could care less as she was enjoying every moment of it.

He cupped her breast pushing the cotton Tee down to reveal the gorgeously perfect soft breast. He took a moment to catch his breath, panting and his eyes digging into hers with passion. He looked at her breast and his heart melted in the sweet evanescence of perfection. He wondered how could it be so perfect and he overcame with lust. He couldn’t control his urge to taste them. He took it to a handful and started licking the nipple that was aroused by the emotions she had just felt. He bit it, licked it, teased and tasted every inch of it. Her back arched while she enjoyed every moment of this new found passion.

He grabbed her and lifted her onto the table, while still holding her breast and pleasuring him and her with his mouth.With in a swift movement, he pushed down the other side of the T Shirt along with her bra to reveal the stunning pair of perfection. He caressed both the breasts and squeezing them, licking them one after another alternatively. While his hands were busy with the breasts, he started trailing up the neck kissing and licking it. He was giving her the tingling sensations all over the body when he reached the side of the neck. He bit her ear and kissed the cheeks, the chin, the nose and finally settling on the lips. Soft kisses. Then going vigorous tasting her lips, the saliva and the dance that they made with he kissing, experimenting, enjoying , forgetting about the world around them. Oneof his hand kept massaging her perfect cups, while the other trailed down to the belly and unbuttoned the jeans she was wearing. He slid his hand through the opening as he stared into her brown eyes, mimicing her. She looked unsure but she didn’t stop him. Suddenly, she was worried that someone might walk in and catch them during the act. They were in the office for god’s sake and she just came to this realization after 20 minutes. The time in which she faintly forgot about the world around her. She wanted him to stop. But she wasn’t willing to. He slowly caressed her clit, gently, carefully. She felt the chill as his touch reverberated the hidden feelings, emotions, something she had never known existed. He slowly slid his finger into her still looking into her eyes, trying to understand her expressions. She closed her eyes and arched her back with his gentle touches. He slowly whispered into her ears whether she liked it. Her expression and her moans said everything he wanted to know.

There was a noise in the distance, of people talking as they walked close to the pantry. They suddenly realized that they needed to act quick and with in a split second they readjusted their clothes and tried to act normally as if nothing happened. When they entered, he was gulping the glass of water while the sweat on his face gave the impression that he has a long run but they were in an air conditioned office. She turned around and pretended to pour sugar into her cup wiping the sweet sweat before anyone could recognize it. He took out his phone as if he got an important call and existed first. A moment later she exited holding her cup of coffee. Both were lost in their own world, and were numb to the outside world.