Peace.

How beautiful is the pain!
How ecstatic is the relief!
How free does freedom feel!
How peace is the solace!
How beautiful are the
memories flashing!
How euphoric is the final breath!

Do you smell the shampoo, that you used the last night, a tinge of your hair spray and the cologne you used the other day! Do you feel the vibrations in your vision through your closed eyes, an animated sequence of the Windows 98 screensaver playing in your head. Or perhaps are they your memories brushing by waster than they should!

Do you see the soft satin cloth, elegantly long and neatly folded, calling out to you to open and embrace it, embrace the softness of the cloth! How comfortable would the cloth look around the neck! How much it would bring out the color in the eyes, and let’s not forget the fairness in the face! How beautiful it looks suspended in the air under the ceiling!

How cute are those tiny pleasures? A little too many for one last ride and it gives you the euphoria that you had never even expected ever. Do you feel that you are in a world, a new one altogether, or perhaps a little too far from the reach of anyone, completely oblivious of the world you are currently in!

Do you see the sharpness alluring you, calling out to you to take it in your hands and see what wonders this shiny edge could do on your arms or that slender neck of yours? How beautiful would these streaks of random lines across your arm look as an army of red marches down like a parade,  a perfect emblem for eternity, or perhaps a temporary one. How majestic would the river be that flows through each single streak?

Do you feel the cold breeze brushing through your hair, that sweet comfort that you get after a tiring day walking around in the sun! Do you feel the adrenaline rushing through every cell of your body as you come closer to the edge and take a peek down at the blurry ground beneath! Do you feel the tinge of impulse charging through your legs, an emancipation of the fear filled with the last excitement as the wind ruffles the hair under your soft heavy breaths.

Do you taste the water as it slowly engulfs you in its embrace! Do you feel the shoulders being pushed down under your own weight! Do you feel the mind going through a million things at once and your legs battle, as do your hands. Do you see those tiny balls of air escaping from you and how much you want to stop that from happening, you unfortuanately are not in control.

Because peace is what we want and sometimes, there are just too little ways to finally be in peace!

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; The Chaos Theory

The walls screamed in their silence. The thoughts floated in the confinement, however deep they dragged in a bottomless sea. It is going to be okay, a few too many voices drowned in the silent loud screams. But among all the chaos that surrounded the empty thoughts, a silent tear gave it away. The emotions bundled so deep down, just overflowed in the tiniest speck of water. Hope! A fascinating eulogy that like an ink blot on a paper, spread with the tiniest touch of it. An emancipation of a thousand dreams or perhaps a bittersweet lie, like sand slipping through the hand. Because it is going to be alright. That is how the world works. Perhaps it does, for some while the other dwell in world apart with masked faces and acceptable attires. Because, we all want to be normal by getting society’s approval by how happy we look and how well we present ourselves. And Amid all the melodrama of a chaotic life, there is a line, a faintest line that either makes or breaks people.

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;

“I don’t understand why they did it?”
“They have a whole life in front of them. Then, why would they do that?”
“Don’t they think about their family?”
“What their family must be going through now?”
“It would so much painful for their loved ones, won’t it be?”
“Are they that stupid?”
“How coward can they be?”
“Tch, tch, tch”, they said feeling a little sad, for a moment though.

It’s hell. It’s a raging hell fire, a battle, a struggle to take that one step, every day. It is painful to breathe, more painful to be normal, because people demand to be normal, because being otherwise is very unnatural. And then you have to smile, smile away through (hiding) that pain, that huge burdening pain that you kept dragging behind you everywhere you went. It was perhaps the past that led to this burden, and why is it affecting the present, the future? A question that keeps haunting every waking moment. Perhaps, you finally decide to start everything afresh, everything will be different from now on, you said to yourself. You strive to make it different. You work on it, you try to give your best. But the heart is heavy with the weight, but you try to care less and fight through each string that pulls you down. Because you want to put it behind in the past and not let it affect the present and well, the future. You pretend as if everything is okay and normal and that there’s sunshine inside of you and a beautiful starry sky over your head.

But…

It was a beautiful sight. Those first rays of sunlight hitting your face, that warm embrace as it slowly rises to its glory of the morning. As the sunshine embraces you, you feel content, happy, from inside. You go to work, forgetting everything that has always pulled you down everyday, everything that stopped you from moving ahead, you move past that burden inside of you. You completely forget about everything as that cold drop of rain hits your skin. It was the first rain you felt in a very very long time. You relish every moment of it, wondering what you have missed all this while. You feel alive. It is an absolute bliss and you want to stay in this beautiful yet perfect symphony that life carefully threw at you, forever. You retire from your day under the starry skyline, as the stars twinkle in the glory of the night, a splendid sight, nonetheless, and you are sure you can tell endless stories under this dome of glittering diamonds. You finally sleep, relaxed and most importantly at peace. Sleeping never felt so relaxing.

You wake up all of a sudden as if the ground beneath you started shaking. You hope to see the beautiful sunshine from yesterday. You want to relive the previous day, each day! But, you don’t see it. There is just darkness, a familiar face you have been with for such a long long time. May be you woke up a little too early and hope that it is just a dream. But there is no sunshine whatsoever. You go to work hoping to see that glimmer of rain, that washed your past away, that washed your soul. You pray for it silently under your breath. But there isn’t any. And you retire to your home wondering to finally gaze into the endless stars and perhaps share your tiring day to the endless glittering friends far far away. But it is just dark in the sky. Not a single star. You don’t understand what is happening. You sleep, or at least try to. The whole day, the past just keeps flashing in front of you. You can’t sleep. You try to understand everything, but nothing makes sense. And in that moment when you thought you have left the past behind, comes haunting back. You try to shake it off, try your best to end that nightmare, wake up to that sunshine, dance under the rain, sing under the stars. You pray for it even though you have never been religious, but there is that familiar dark cloud over your head, that keeps following you, day and night.

You don’t understand why it keeps following you. You don’t understand why that one day it wasn’t there. Why was that day different? You don’t understand what is happening, because the past is a haunting reminder of the choices you made, which somehow decided your present and the future. You thought you could go past it, look past it, keep it locked up in the past and not look back again, ever, but it is you, your past, your memories. You want to escape this mess. You can’t listening to your horrid screams. You can’t deal with the fake smile everyday. You can’t stay bottled up all day long and write long essays on your feelings, everyday. You can’t find peace. Peace was a concept never in your mind. It has far gone and disappeared in the past. But then, how can you get past this? How can you be at peace? How can you just express? How can you finally really smile? How can you end all this mess once and for all?
The only way to end all this to end it all.

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P.S. : This post is inspired by my life, circumstances and #13ReasonsWhy. Inspired is a strong word. May be, come into picture.

Twenty Seventeen!

 

A silent breeze swept past me, like a silent shadow in the night. A calm hush of the noise like a distant murmur sunk in the shadows behind me. The muted world stood in silence in the warm embrace of the night, comforting yet missing something. An unspeakable void that kept haunting the silent corners of the mind. I stared at the sky above me to immerse myself in the effervescence of the dark night. Somehow, this darkness never felt so dark. It was my comfort, my solace to the agitation, my safe harbour. I continued staring at the sky above. Perhaps, I was looking for a sign, that was long-lost on me. Or perhaps I just wanted to embrace this moment.

Fireworks. The figments of small and brighter lights filled the sky. The man-made stars that danced with symphony in their agility. Shining in their ever so bright clamour; so close and ever so beautiful. The celebration of sorts in the sky, mesmerizing the world below and the universe beyond. Ah, what a sight it was. This moment was too perfect to be true. I curbed my urge to pinch myself and wake me from my slumber, if at all it was. I gradually sunk in the moment, reminiscing the dreams of yesteryear, the present and hopes as I stared and communicated with the sky above in silence. The million stars that have been there for me in thick and thin, in happiness and sadness, when no one else was. As I embraced my inner inhibitions and the warmth of the hopes, I could hear cheer, as a distant noise reverberating so close to me.

Excitement. The cheer slowly started to build up and resonated in the whole atmosphere. There were people everywhereand I had been at the middle of this crowd. But somehow, even though I was there at the center of thousands of people, there was a moment, a moment when everything around blurred, the people, their chatter, their cheer, the noise, everything was a distane echo and I was just alone for miles away. I was romancing the air, filled with my desires and hope, embracing the inhibitions; and was at peace staring at the multitude of stars that spread across the horizon slowly getting draped in fireworks. But this crowd, this humongous crowd that cheered so loud that I couldn’t even hear my own thoughts.

I woke up slowly from my slumber to see the happy faces, smiling, staring at the sky above, a little like I was, perhaps contemplating the year the passed by and making new dreams and hope as they kissed their loved ones. I stood in muted silence as the  crowd sunk into celebrations, the onset of yet another glorious year, with renowned hopes and determination. All soulful people walked around with happiness radiating from them, not just that usual happiness, but the sort that comes from the heart, that’s just too serene to watch.

I stood there amidst all the chaos, contemplating the happy crowd as they disappeared into the background. That’s when I caught a glimpse of my own reflection, in its absolute contrast. As reality slowly sunk in, the shattered dreams echoed in the reminiscence of the mind, the mind went wary and the heart heavier. Everything blurred again, and suddenly there I was, alone, sinking in the ocean, trying to breathe, for one last time.

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Happy New Year.
I hope you have a great year ahead and all your dreams be fulfilled.

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P.S. I am sorry, but someone said I was too negative, I was too pessimistic. I claimed myslf to be pessimistic. And no, I am not proving them right. I am just being myself.

Image Courtesy : Quote Fancy

Leave me alone.

I’m lost in the past, drowning in the memories. It’s dim. It’s stale. It’s a flickering light of yesterday, haunting, a constant reminder. It’s dark. It’s a freakin’ nightmare.

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The night fell into the silent abyss. The damp atmosphere hung in the air, that cold wind of the onset of winter blew. He settled at the end of the bar, contemplating, lost and deserted. His eyes were a million miles away, yet they spoke a story, sunk in the evening aroma of slow music and distant chatter. A thousabd thoughts exploded in his mind, relinquishing the past. the pupils dilated as the warmth of the drink slid past the burning throat. He never drank before. He didn’t realize he was drinking. He was too lost to care. His eyes fixated at the emptiness, still contemplating. Another sip. The past still resided at the peripheral. Another sip. The glass was empty. His ears caught a sweet voice, singing in the distant. He woke up from the past.

He was holding a glass, empty, a reminder of the past that was just forgotten. He eased his grip and let it free. “Leave me alone”, a voice shouted in his mind. The voice had been shouting to the pain that haunted. He got used to it like a lullaby, a painful one. Yet, it made its presence felt every day, every moment. The song became louder. It had been louder all along and he felt it’s presence with the words that surrounded the ambience.
…Let me heal the scars of yesterday,

The scars that have dug so deep,

Let me burn away the pain,

For I’m the phoenix rising from the ashes…”

He felt it making its way through him, digging the skin and reaching for the heart. The constant voice that haunted faded in the melody. Before he knew, he was sipping again and it went smooth this time. He saw her among the crowd under the limelight, staring at him from the distance, staring at him naked, staring at his naked soul, the eyes piercing the very fragments of pain, the past he had hid so well, she saw it all, every detail. He felt that pain drain away, delicately like the touch of the sun to the sea beyond the horizon. But then, the glass slipped from his hand, smashed against the floor as he was left vulnerable with the thousand pieces it broke into. The lights dimmed, the song ended and she was gone. He stood up, in search, but in vain.

“Leave me alone”, his mind shouted again to the voices that haunted again.