Realization.

You time is my memory.
_____

What is it called which hurts the most? What is that simple thing that makes you realize your gravest mistake? Why is it that, it being just in front of our eyes we want to ignore? There are a lot of questions that whisper silently yet screaming in the head. Pain ah, man’s ultimate solitude. A fortress that we build in the name of pain and its outcome. Without pain, there is no gain. Someone said it and that humble someone is probably right. But how does it fall into place? How does it know when to fall in place? Time, a morbid concept of reality, tricky yet precious, at the same time.

Let me start by first apologizing to the people who apparently think that I am not good enough for being a friend. For the past 24 odd years, I never had the liberty of having a friend, let alone a best friend. There might be a reason to it, but it doesn’t need explaining. At the end of the day, I am still the same person I was a day ago, or a decade ago. I may have grown up or old but I have done with only me, I alone. People are fascinating beings. When I have spent a major chunk of my life being in the company of myself, there comes a time when one realizes to look around and most importantly look at the people around. It is even more moving when some of these people actually look back at you and spend some of their time with you. Time, that precious chunk of one’s life that once spent could never be taken back or changed or bargained for. Don’t you think it is precious? I do.

I had the luxury of meeting some of the amazing people here on blogosphere. I agree that I am not one of the most charming people who has a way with words, or a witty one, or as a matter of fact not even normal. I am just a plain old boring soul. Having said that I have come across some of the people who are just too amazing. I know that becoming a friend needs to meet certain criteria, which I was hoping to meet over the course of time. So, it began. The conversations. Be it comments, emails or WhatsApp chat, I was aiming to meet their checklist, having already checked my only point in my checklist which read as “Time“. If they could spare some of their time for me, that in itself is such a big thing. But, I made a mistake of assuming.

I have traveled places all my childhood, not by choice but by compulsion. This should have been an added bonus, but this somehow shut be out. It is always not easy to adjust to the new environment, new people, their habits, their way of expressing. I have seen it all and have slowly adapted to each one. During all this, this coping and matching their tempo, the level of understanding, something in me snapped which made sure that I was uber cautious of the people around me, about what to say and what not to say. This dilemma slowly set to a conclusion that it is better not to speak than say something and make a fool of myself. This became quite difficult for people to adjust to me, and I to them. Eventually, I became my own company and the friendship days became just a namesake day to wish people whom I apparently knew also called as classmates, and vice versa.

Recently, I had met some new people – at work and online here through blogs. All of them are way too amazing people. Then came the first Sunday of August, which we all know what it is. So, I waited to check if anyone considered me in their list, whether I was able to cross off their check

.boxes. It was at the end of the day that I realized that I still have a long way to go. But, before this I did something. As I have already mentioned that my criteria has just one checkbox and it’s checked for most people. So, I made a post for them. It’s not one of those heart warming posts that you might think, but it is something I like to cherish by mentioning the few people who have been a part of my journey through blogging. I spent the whole night drafting and redrafting and finally rambling something. It is not a great post, but it wasn’t all that bad either. I finally posted it and waited.

The whole of Friendship Day I was on a lookout for people I may know or might have heard of me, or probably might remember me, which was rare, but hope is a pitiful thing, isn’t it? After a whole day of contemplation and exasperation, I have finally manned up a bit and decided to invade their “friend-time”, so I sent out messages to people from my office and emails to the people I have been in contact with. And boy, was I surprised to see the responses.

  1. Who said I was your friend?
    A common courtesy of thank you would have sufficed. I didn’t ask for much. I was expecting anything more either. A simple “Thank you. Same to you too” could have just made my day. But well.
  2. The courteous friend :
    Thank you to you too.Courteous
  3. Validation :
    I guess I needed to be validated as well.Validation
  4. I don’t, really!
    So, I told this generous person to kindly read the blog post in which I have mentioned them, but who really cares anyway.

Probably, I got what I deserved. My sincere apologies for jumping into conclusions at the first sight of conversation. Hopefully, I will be more careful.

For Life.

The initial intention was to lay low, not make much noise, keep everything to myself and may be share some of my darkest inhibitions. I had friends on almost every social media. I am sorry, let me rephrase. There were people who knew me, mostly because I was that annoying guy abruptly invading their online space. I am an introvert by heart. I don’t mingle with people. As a matter of fact, God forbid, if I were caught by Police or I suddenly get into an extreme case of emergency, I have no one to call to. This is bad. This is very bad. Well, let’s some I don’t get to that phase. I know what you are thinking. I need to change my thinking. I need to get some friends on which I can count on. Well, if only I had that mind of yours, I would be at the top of the world, wait, that’s too cold up there, but somewhere top.

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I started off writing my blog mid of last year. I had a lot of things that I wanted to write about. I had letters that I used to write almost every single day. Most of the letters were just curses to the one and only supreme entity, because clearly I had…have issues. So, I tried to get down and all dirty. I did write a couple of posts and published, which were kind of very personal and horrible in all ways possible. Horrible, in the sense of if we are talking about it with the perspective of Life and where I stand. It was horrible letters. I had hoped that I will continue writing, but then I lost the enthusiasm of copying my slowly turning pale pages onto my blog. So, I decided to stick to normal routine of writing and probably meet some people from different wakes of life. I started following and reading quite a few people. I used to comment and always had the last comment even if the comment was blank, because people do get pissed off of a sticky guy poking too much. It didn’t seem to work either. It was then I decided to quit all this. But then I came across one profile where the author wanted to become penpals, which was my idea in the first place. So, like the weird guy I was, I poked the bear. I got the reply. So, that was the first person I met, who despite knowing did me a great favor. I was this close to giving up on the blog, but then the writer’s reply did what CPR does to a dying person. It revived my enthusiasm. I have had met some amazing people since then. I would like to dedicate this post in their favor. I am apologizing well in advance for what I am about to tell. I don’t know whether I am considered as a friend by the people who follow, I have always treasured the little conversations that happened. I said treasured because you gave your time for me. And I would never forget that. I am not entirely sure whether I would be qualified to be one among your long list of friends, but you guys definitely are.
Secretive Writer : As the name itself suggest secret, there is no doubt who the person is. The person in, Shhh, it’s a secret, (for a reason). The blogger who unknowningly pulled me out of the drowning sea. I would like to call her a friend, though I haven’t met her or even know her name.
Wandering Violet : The second secretive person, I have come across. But always a great sport. I piss her off a lot occasionally. Ok ok, I piss her off all the time. May be that’s why she ain’t reading my blog. But none the less, a great person. After having met this person (online, without a name), I have realized that it is possible to make friends without knowing each other and not having met either. Having said that perhaps one day I do get to meet this amazing person.
Darshith : I didn’t meet him or know him. I just came across him through his blog. He is kinda busy right now, and perhaps have completely forgotten me. But like I have said, I treasure each and every one.
Sathyaghan : The guy who almost stole my screen name for a post of his. Well, he actually did. But he didn’t steal. He was creative in his own way and happened to come up with something brilliant which matched my screen name. He is also the guy who thinks highly of me. I have tried to explain to him that I suck at writing, but he insists otherwise. I hope you guys agree with me and put some sense into this guy.
Infinity Magic : This person is amazing in her own way. However annoying and whatnot, I had some great time talking over emails. Pen Pals, my friend. Perhaps, not anymore. But we had our moment. May be, we will again.
Whimsical90 : Another amazing person I have met online and have influenced me in quite so many ways. Let me tell about this person a bit. Her being a girl and I being a guy did raise some red flags, because for starters I was anonymous, which is itself a no-no. But she was such a great sport. At one point, she felt that she wasn’t comfortable talking to a complete stranger. Oh and she wasn’t anonymous. So, I felt that as a friend(or may be not)…acquaintance, I should give her the opportunity, or perhaps she has the right to know who I was. But, I didn’t quite think that through or perhaps I overstepped some boundary, which I didn’t realize. My sincere apologies. Anyhow, she had been a great (ahem) friend and hopefully she will be now.
SevenThirtyAM : Some witty comment sparked inquisitive mind of a doctor-to-be to know the person behind the mask. I tried my best to evade the identity disclosure, because that’s what secret agents do. But I gave in. Girls, I tell you, have the power. So, I have pissed this person off like anything. But like always, she is always a great sport.
Aarzoo : I have come across her on the social media, Twitter. I had read her blog earlier, but didn’t get a chance to connect. One thing led to another, somehow and I now have another friend.
Pratishtha : Another sweet person I have come across on the blogosphere, who is currently not responding. May be, not in the friend-list anymore.
Aanchal : She uncle-zoned me, like literally uncle-zoned. I couldn’t believe she did that. I am not that old, for your information. She has nominated me for an challenge and I still haven’t taken it.
There are a lot of people I have come across but I have never got a chance to interact with them on a personal level. No, not very personal. But not other than the blog related posts or comments.
Kritika Vashist,  Roberta Pimentel, Akhila ( who has nominated me for the quote challenge which I still haven’t taken up. Sorry), Muskaan ( who has nominated me for the Liebster Award, which also wasn’t taken up. Sorry). Shambavi31 ( who has nominated me for One lovely award, which also I have’t taken up. Sorry again. I am such a terrible person.), Phoenix09, Honeyvicious, Pratyusha, Soumya MishraAbhijit ( who has given me a Blogger Recognition Award and also who doesn’t even remember me now), Vidisha Kaushik to name a few. And also each and every one who reads my blog, who comments, who reads but doesn’t leave a comment, who liked my posts, who likes my posts but doesn’t read it, who likes my comments on their blog, who replies to my comments on their blog, who likes my comments on their blog but doesn’t reply.
I mean to each and everyone “Happy Friendship Day”.

Borrowed Time.

Crumbled pages lie silently at the corner of the room as the ink went dry, the thoughts astray. The mind was a fighting a war within itself. The heart, well it did it’s job, without a care in the world. The walls absorbed the silent screams. The prayers resonated in the enclosure, breathing the aroma of its depth and finally settling at a nice corner of the room. While the night danced in the glory of the dark, the silence prevailed in the epiphany of the mind and all around. ” Tick. Tock. Tick. “

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The echoes of pain glorified the dark corners of the ignited mind. What was wrong? What was happening? Questions piled up, like the torn off pages flickering in the silent monotony of the cold breeze which had the half laden thoughts of the days not yet come.

Words. An anagram playing in the multitude of emotions, thoughts and whatnot. A random apprehension of a sophisticated mind. Why are they so far away? Why can’t they come closer? What do they mean? Why don’t they make sense? Is this the right script? Does this reach your heart?
He stared at the mirror long. He tried to look into himself, through the very fragments that kept him together, intact, as broken as he might be inside. He wanted to see what was inside of him, how broken can a person be. He wanted to see what he was made of, whether the broken memories ever heal. He was searching for something within himself, something he felt missing. He was not sure what. He was not sure why. There were questions that haunted, haunted as the answers were just more questions.

Letter. They were letters that hold the story never to be seen, never to be adapted, never to be lived. A letter, which was a warning, an indication of what went wrong. A foreword to the people to tread carefully. He had carefully handcrafted it, wrote the best god damn letter he ever could. He spoke of the misery, he spoke of the lost self, he spoke of great many deals. He ended the letter with a farewell. It was his last letter signed off with a “I am sorry, Good Bye”.

Here he was again, 10 years later contemplating over the same letter, still broken, still finding his way, still trying to perfect his last letter. The time was a factor that stopped for him a decade ago. He was a lifelessly alive, stuck on the past notion, not moving an inch forward. He tried to end it, end it all, the agony, the pain, the disappointment, and in the end even his life. Time, for him was a reminiscent.

He was living on borrowed time.
The time which is not his.

______

What can we have?

 

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He stared into her eyes. Something was different about them. They twinkled the first time she saw him and that charm was still alive as she spoke about the week that passed by. The week she was away and didn’t get a chance to meet. He wasn’t listening to her, mostly it was nods acknowledging her thoughts. He was just lost in her sparkling eyes, full of enthusiasm. The animated hands, the curls of her hair bouncing on the shoulder and her lips soothing him in the most beautiful voice he had ever known. She was extremely happy to see him and so was he.

_____________

She smiled as he made his way and sat beside her. He was grinning and she was too lost in his charming smile. There was something building in the air and both chose to ignore. They were scared what would happen if they really explored the uncharted air. They had forged this bond of friendship over the last year. To avoid any new feelings to rise up and also to keep him engaged for as long as she could, she talked about everything she did and couldn’t do over the last weekend. And while she was at it, she also gossiped about her friends and colleagues. He was listening carefully, laughing when necessary and sharing his opinion whenever he opined. Taking turns as the conversation led from one thing to another he narrated his series of events for the week staring deep into her eyes, “God, I missed her”, he said under his breath.

There was silence when they reached the point where everything that was at the top of mind was over. Now, to keep the conversation going on, they were slowly digging and finding new topics. She smiled as if she read his mind that they were out of topics as at stared into each other, completely forgetting what was around them, the noise fading in the background. He leans in a little, finding his cue, in an attempt to make his intention clear as a sweat developed at the corner of his forehead. He was a little scared that this might go completely sideways and that, and that could never end well. He knew for sure. Her mind already got another old gossip but then her thoughts fall short as she sees him lean in, his eyes drowning in anticipation and she got the message, loud and clear as she leaned in, which was more of a reflex.They stared into each others’ eyes for one whole moment, as the world faded behind them. The limelight was on them and it was dark all around as they breathed into each other. Their lips close to each other and still staring into each other’s eyes. breathing each other in. A moment later they slip into a bliss as they danced to the rhythm of their heart beats with the same passion they had for each other. Everything they had kept hidden for so long, finally spoke with the unison of a kiss the one emotion they were so scared to express. The concept of time was forgotten as they wrapped each other in the warm embrace of one another, speaking to each other with their eyes closed.

And then she tapped on his hand. She smiled as he stared into her eyes. She was far, unlike a second earlier. She tapped again on his hand and he traced her hand on hid with a bright ring shining in glory on her finger. His smile slowly faded as realization set in.

Times Up.

I knew that the running had to stop some day. I wished not to see that day at all. If you understand what I mean. Or probably you don’t. You would probably be asking “What’s wrong with this guy?”. Yes. That very question haunted me forever. And it still does. I am giving up, again, like I had been doing for the past few years.

The end is nearing. The beginning always has an end. The borrowed time is asking for answers. He said he gave up. He really did. I assumed he was joking. He wasn’t. He led himself into believing that it was late and there was nothing much that he could ever do. It was not like he wasn’t aware that nothing was impossible. But when the little faith is lost, there is nothing much anyone ever could do. He lost the faith in himself. No matter how motivated he was, or perhaps he never was. He as always looking for an excuse to put it to rest. He wanted to take the easy way out. The one that none of us prefer. I never saw any problem with him. He had the resources, the means, in a nutshell he had everything. But he never saw that. He was convinced that it would be a better option to give up, give up on himself. I never knew people could could really give up so easily. What makes people to give up, give up on themselves, even when they have every possible choice not to.

He never got around to do what he wanted to do. He is on the knife’s edge, fooling himself that he will be done with it one day. But that day never comes, unless he takes some initiative, either to follow his dreams or what he wanted to do. He is stuck at that crossroads where every second counts and he has been stuck there for seven years. And not able to move forward and being stuck is eating him from inside. I hope he comes out of this, for better or worse.

But time eventually runs out. And his time is nearing. What he does now will tell where he is really standing and what he really wants. What he really wants? I wish he figures out that first, before the time really runs out.

The High Tide.

Let us consider a parent and a child, their child. Now, what will the parent do to keep his family safe. Right from the birth, they will try to make the most  and offer the best for their kid. Be it care, education, guidance, or anything a parent would be their to support their kid, their every need.
Now, this has to come to my attention. Mostly it is in the movies or novels. So, there it goes… Let’s say the father is held at a gun point and asked / forced to tell about something more crucial and if it falls into the hands of the person holding the gun, a thousand or even more people could die. SO the person pointing the gun at the guy ( father) shifts the gun from his head to his son/daughter. After a little but of hesitation and a lot of intimidation, he finally reveals the secret endangering a few thousand lives. No, if we were to weigh the balance, there is one / two people on one side while on th other there are a few thousand. I would assume, he would only tell, if he was capable of stopping the catastrophe before it happens somehow, escaping from the clutches of the person hold the gun and somehow overpowering him. IF he really does succeed, wit ha little loss of like ( lets’ say 20-50), he finally stops the perpetrator, just in time saving a few thousand and his kid as well. Yay!  The good guy won. And because he is the hero, he won, the story that he was in. Cheers and hugs and what not. But no body speaks about the causalities ( those 20-50) . They are casualties of war? Or is it because the end justifies the means. But does it really ? Does End really justify the means?
 
Now, the parent-kid bond is something that can[t be compared or described. Now this brings us to the ultimate parent – kid relationship. The god and the disciple ( or his people) or should I say his children. A parent would try to provide them everything that is in their power and everything they are capable of. But then there is God, who has the ultimate power to provide anything in this world., like anything. It doesn’t have to be out of the world, it could be as small as a hope, a little but of faith, or perhaps a life. And we hear about the 2-3 year kid battling Cancer. And I question everything. Every fucking thing.  And I am like What the Fuck God? Is it the sins of the previous life? Are you being stupid, right now ? Or is it the sins of the father? Are you being idiotic / cynic right now ? Seriously ? Of all the people, I mean the higher power in the world, are you giving stupid excuses. Oh are these the ones we are giving ? Well, we need to have some explanation for things that happen right? Nobody could prove that you exist. You wouldn’t  let anyone! And then there are billions of people believing in you. Are you taking that for granted ?
A parent would be impartial, even if they have their own favorites. Yes, they would punish someone, but there always something to learn, a scope to learn. But what do you want us to ? Preach what you have preached? Take a dip in the holy water and be purified. And what now ? Some even offer everything to get some favors from you. And they do get the favors. Is that what God is ? A God to be bought? Yes, all you ask is faith and a little belief. But then , lets just go though the bible and you wanted sacrifices and all that shit. You created something beautiful and you wanted that to be sacrificed for the better of the rest ? Really ? If not sacrifice then there is some or the other thing that yo just want.
I just hope that someday people realize that what really are you. A fragment of human imagination,. Perhaps a good person who once changes the whole world once ! But the you just left it to pursue something better didn’t you? And someday people realize what they are really doing. Talking to the wall, a stone ,  offering to the wooden planks, stones and whatnot. What’s more disgusting is the people who are cashing on your whole belief thing. We have to offer money to keep the family safe, to keep the house safe, to keep the person we love safe? Is this some sort of business transaction or what?
Why? Why am I doing this? Because life happened.  Nearly 25 year ago, a life was lost, out of the blue. Just like that. A kid, not even 4 days old taken, or should I say snatched away. A kid who perhaps could have done wonders and a kid because of whom I am here writing about all this. I never knew this kid. I never got a chance. May be if he was alive, I wouldn’t be.  And that my whole existence lives on his mercy or should I say his death ? A brother whom I never even got to see. God.
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Are you testing us ? The loyalty of people ? Really ? Testing the loyalty and what we are made of? So, what if we fail, are you going to let innocent people die? Kids die ? You do understand that it sounds more sadistic than anything. Are you the devil in God’s image? Perhaps, you are. Because I don’t seem to find any other explanation for it !

Belief.

What do you believe in? What do we believe in? What do I believe in? A question that strikes every realm of our existence. I believe in you. I believe in me. I believe in us. But why? Why do you believe in me? Why do you believe in yourself? Why do you believe in us? A question we can answer with a little or no hesitation. Because I know you. I saw your work, saw your passion, saw your heart beating loudly for it. I saw. But belief is fickle, you know. A flickering summer rain. A flash on a rainy day, not knowing where it comes from but you just feel it. Belief. It is hard to come by. It is hard to come to terms with. But what do you believe in, really believe in?

The night whispers sweet lullaby with the stars shining bright in the limelight of the moon. The wind ruffling through the hair, soft and cold. A rhythmic music plays among the countless stars flickering, the pale white clouds drifting in the melody, the silence that beheld the night. Among the perfect organized structure, a blaze of raging ball swifts across the horizon beyond our reach. Shooting star. That joy that it adds to the pleasant night.

Our hands intertwine, holding them close together, we bow our head engaging ourselves in a conversation, a conversation with God, thanking him for the life we thus had, and hoping that he would continue to do so. In out little intimate sessions, we implore for a better life, we ask, beg for forgiveness, if need be. We pray, pray for our own selfish needs, perhaps. Better life. Redemption. Forgiveness. Prayer. Belief.

Why? Why do you believe? How do you believe? What made you believe ? I believe in you because I have seen you, your passion, your heart. I know what you are capable of? But how do you believe in something that you don’t see, haven’t even felt ? Fickle, is it not? The stories that are passed on through generations that once created the world, the ones who once protected the world, the humanity from its extinction, the ones who led the mankind into extinction. Stories passed on, generation after generation. Stories. Belief.

Utopia. Pi. Bull-fucking-shit. Belief.