Boulevard of Broken Dreams.

What breaks you makes you stronger! When the life pulls you down and you fight with every last strand of will to fly. When you are sinking in the ocean and you swim against the tide to shore.

Well, this is a hypothetical scenario or more like a lesson we learn from it. A small significance hidden in it. What happens when what breaks you finally breaks you. The flame to fight back dies out. The will to swim to the shore fades away. You are broken, inside out.


PS : So, I was wondering how many people just like the post even before reading it just because it is in the feed? I mean seriously I wasn’t asking for that. So please be kind enough to unfollow my blog. Wait, they don’t read. Dammit !

A life withered and dying.

Disclaimer : Not what you are expecting. Don’t.

Dilemma

There comes a time when the words doesn’t make sense, when the time is too fast and when we have lost our way. Floating in the imaginary bubble that someday, anytime now that streak will hit us and the whole world would change around us. But there is no such silver lining, as they have said. Being lost is a trivial phenomenon we usually come across. The problem lies when we still float in that bubble of so called life.

Life is hard. We have heard that a lot, haven’t we? As a matter of fact, we have said it a lot many times. Probably, it was the gray area in our life and we were going through a rough patch and feel that huge burden of life pulling us down. But that phase passes away because we have struggled through it and made our way through the most complex phase of our life.

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But there are certain instances when the life even though isn’t so heavy on the shoulders, we tend to feel lost. Yes, we are again in that self exploration stage and we are very much lost. We seek guidance. We get the much needed guidance, some do follow and get a different perspective at life and are out of that pickle. But some, some are so stubborn that they want to make a life on their own. This is also good, because they will go through the complex mixtures of life and since they have a steadfast heart and know where they are supposed to be going, they will strive to reach their destination. In both cases, people are successful. But they were once who have said that life is hard and nothing goes according to them. Now they will be sitting at a table clinging their glasses and are content with the life they hence earned.

Let me introduce this rare kind. I am one of those who despite knowing that life is hard and despite the guidances and every help at my disposal decided to take something else as an ambition. Death. Whoa! Wait a second! Did you exclaim that? I bet you have. But yes, I have always wanted to die. Yes, I had thought of myself driving a luxury car, living in a mansion, owning a personal jet and whatnot. But then those were dreams. Truth be told, I have never seen past myself for even a year in the future. When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years from now?”, I lie. I lie every time. I as so reserved with my decision that I haven’t told anyone. But I wait for holidays. Why? I don’t want to attract much attention. I don’t want people to know that this guy really did that. No wonder I have kept people away from me, no friends whatsoever. And love, huh, I haven’t loved myself enough, where can I get the guts to love someone else. But yes, I have loathed the people who have made bigger despite the odds, who are climbing up the walls despite the obstacles. I have envyed them. But I have never got past my obstacle that I created for myself.

Every time I ask myself what will be next year like and I would respond, I hope I don’t live long enough to find out.
Why don’t I turn my life around? I don’t know. Probably, I am stuck in that limbo and am refusing to come out. Dammit.
Why do I want to die? Interesting question. I guess, I lost hope on myself. And hate everything about me to the core.
What went so wrong? I went wrong. I decided to take the easy way out.
Why am I being such a stupid person? I wish I had an answer.
Am I mad? Yes, most definitely.

Yes, I have these questions too. I wish I had the proper answers as well. I am just bloody lost with not definitive ground beneath my feet. And I am in that place where I am sinking deep and not doing anything to swim to the shore. I am tired? No, I am just too idle to work out on what’s important and turn things around.

What would you do if you could go back in time and change one thing?
Yes, I could do that and probably slap myself hard enough to come to my senses and not to let myself so down that I get lost in the limbo of life.
But no.
I would go back even further and probably prevent a kid from dying. The very reason for my stupid survival was his death. I was the second child. But I had been the eldest for a major part of my life. But then I was told that i had a brother before me. And he died after 5 days of his birth. When I heard this, I was too young to respond or voice out any opinion. I didn’t understand life then. And that his demise was a result for my birth a year later. Or else my parents would have waited for a considerable time before they made any plans for another kid.

I realized this pretty late. And that I am the product of a death. And I have always wanted to die for as long as I remember. And this is the only reason perhaps that is holding me back from fulfilling my self proclaimed prophecy. Probably you are cursing, probably you are saying what kind of a fucked up person I am, or probably you are pitying me. Or well, you don’t give a fucking damn about this. I won’t blame you. I brought this upon myself, so I am not expecting you to show pity or give a damn about all this.

And don’t get me started on God, I have had so many trivial instances and God hasn’t been there is help in any. No wonder I have lost faith in him that very first time I learned about the death of a child. If there really was God, that wouldn’t have happened. I rest my case.

But keeping the supernatural entity at bay, we

I wish I knew how to make things better. I wish. I wish I knew how to turn things around.

PS: Why I wrote this? I don’t know. I just wanted peace, I guess.

The Mid Year Crisis.

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We have a coin in our hand and we have 4 choices. No, don’t laugh at the numbers. That is how it is. We toss the coin taking two of the four options at a time and eliminating one. Yes, it is a very tedious process, yet we do it. No, not because we have a lot of time. But because we aren’t sure what we want. It’s like selecting an answer for the multiple choice question. You have to chose only one and you don’t know the answer, so what do you chose? You try all the nursery rhymes or go by elimination by odd looking one. And you pick one. So, you end up picking an option with a probability of one in four chances, it could be right.

My choices were pretty simple. a. No b. No c. No d. No. And I chose Yes. I mean how did that even come into picture, right? It’s like the question where people makes jokes about saying, if the bullet is traveling at the speed of light and of the target is at a distance of 10 km, what is the color of the shoe that the shooter is wearing? Was this example lame? I know right! So is my situation. My circumstances were totally different and all I had to say was No. And guess what I ended up saying ?

All this hastiness from my side led me into a pit of trouble. And I am not so sure how to climb myself out of it. The pit is pretty deep and I don’t even have the resources to get out of it. (If I may interject, I am explaining the situation in metaphorically speaking). And it is from tomorrow. The whole weekend I have been thinking why couldn’t I just say No. I was in the similar situation last year (present month minus two months). All I had to say was No. But as you might have guessed I chose the opposite. For the next three months I struggled like anything to get out of that pit. But I did get out eventually since I had a few resources at my disposal. But this time, the pit is deeper and with no resources, I don’t think I could see the light of the day. I had opened this tab a million times whether to write this or not, whether I will jinx this or not. No, I am not superstitious, but lately nothing has been happening according to what I have planned or wanted to happen. So, I feel like I am drowning in the quicksand, made my me.

Whenever someone feels low and needs inspiration, I am there to give it to them, even if the odd seems to be in huge number. For the past three – four days, I tried to calm myself down / soothe / distract / inject some positivity / whatnot. Each second I am nearing it, the more the mind is getting crazy. I thought may be writing about this might help. But I am still not feeling the positive vibe. Looks like, I am sinking.in.the.quicksand.faster.suffocating.yet.alive.each.second.each.moment.

God help me! Oh snap, he ain’t on my side no more. Yet, God help me please, if you ever chose to listen.