I never knew that a smile could scare me.
.ᴇ ɴ ɪ ɢ ᴍ ᴀ
I caught a glimpse on the mirror as I walked past it. I did not quite recognise the person I saw, however it has been the same face the I have been seeing everyday. But it was different that day or perhaps it has been the same and I never saw it until that moment. I stared as if I was watching something..someone for the first time. And after all the contemplation and trying to figure out the story behind those lost eyes, I was still clueless. There was so much going on the inside and yet so little visible in the eyes. And I could do was wonder how I was still standing when I have been breaking down a million times each day and why the eyes never told those untold & unseen stories. I found a mystery in myself. Interesting, I thought. Never did I think that I would make myself ponder over me. I believed I had figured myself out, even when no one else ever could. I continued to stare at my reflection. Maybe I wanted to myself to show what I was feeling on in the inside, perhaps in the eyes and wipe that expressionless face that never said a word like the personality that I had been carrying around. Unless I face it, I could never overcome it. All I was doing here was let it get trapped inside and sink in deeper.
A buzz in my pocket distracted the silent conversation with myself. It was a text message which inquired how I was doing? Without a second thought as if it was pre-programmed in me, I replied that I am doing good, and smiled as if I was telling the person in question face to face. At that moment again, I accidentally caught a glimpse of my reflection. Interestingly enough and quite bizarrely, I found was a person smiling which changed back to that former expressionless one within the next second. Quite honestly, it was getting quite boring staring at the expressionless face and I wondered how the people know me deal with me, when I am unable to stand myself for this short moment. But that fraction of a second, when there was that convincing smile when truth be told, I was lying through the teeth when I said that I was doing fine. The funny thing about it was that it looked convincing.
It sort of scared me.
How can I be so convincing when I know for a fact that I am not at all good by a long shot. I am literally hanging by a thread. All I saw was that curve which convinced me enough to believe what I had just said. Why was I even doing that? Why was there even a need to show that I was all okay when I am not? Why am I being trying to be a person that I am clearly not? Maybe I am just trying to fit in and belong in a world that is quite so judgemental and not be an exception to the social norms that we are governed with. How long do I have to continue not being myself and try to be a person falling in the premise of these illogical bracketed norms.
Maybe someday, I will be free from the chains that I tied to my feet, from the weight that I carry within. Maybe. As I pondered over the questions I had no answer to, I tried to smile. And it started to scare me each time I tried. All I was trying to do was find that happy moment when I was happy, genuinely happy and see whether I could ever be. But then again, how can I ever do that, knowing what I was carrying on the inside, knowing what I do not even remember having felt. How could I ever not fake a smile, when that was what I knew.
______
.ᴇ ɴ ɪ ɢ ᴍ ᴀ
Look who returned to the writing world 😄
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That someone seems to be struggling still. 😬
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At least apne readers ka hapchal to pucha karo
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Kaise ho aap?
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M good 😇
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That’s awesome. 🙂
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Good one 🙂
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Thank you. 🙂
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Wow ♥
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Thank You. 🙂
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Good to read your work after such a long time !
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Thank you. 🙂
Glad to be writing.
However, you haven’t been visiting my other blog, I see. 😛
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Yeah I know.
I’m a busy bee now.
My time management skills suck.
And you know what! It happened again, my last blog somewhere kind of had a similar subject to smile
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Aha, I see.
You had already bailed once to a meetup a couple weeks back, I guess I can imagine.
Oh damn. You remember that? I just copy pasted from there. 😛
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I’d surprise you on some Saturday or a Sunday at Starbucks now that my plans keep changing 🙈 unless you surprise me with your absence there.
Hahahah. Must say, the copy pasted version is so much better than the original itself ! 😋
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Depends on which one you are planning to go to.
JP nagar one is my all weekend mandatory stop.
And the Barista over will lose their shit if they ever saw me with a girl. 😛
So, you know what that means. You need to write some stuff which will be copy-pasted. Clearly, the ball is in your court now. 😉
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Hahaha.
Ball is in my court but you ace it as always!
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That is the power of Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V; not me.
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It was good to read something from you.
But to be blatant and honest, this piece was an exact replica of how my life is going currently. Sometimes, more often recently I keep wondering how exactly the people who know me bear with this expressionless and mundane person called ‘me’ when sometimes I get fed up of myself.
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Thank you. I still need to get back to writing. It has been taking a back seat for a long while now and that is getting a but frustrating as well.
Well, tell me about it. The other day I was at Starbucks and I managed to make a group without talking. And these guys keep saying do you even speak and I just smiled back, like I have been doing for a while now.
Though, I hope that you get out of this bizarre and break the mundane routine.
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In all honesty, I do hope that too. But it seems far fetched to me now. I have gone as far as avoiding all social scenarios and interactions, so that I don’t even have to fake smile! So, I think I am way past trying to do anything about it.
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Aha, you have reached euphoria in being mundane, in a matter of speaking. However, that is not such a good thing, you should maybe try to do something about it. If there is anything I can do, do let me know. (Look who’s speaking! 🙄 )
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Hahaha, Yeah, seems like you are in the same boat and yet you want to help someone out of the very boat.
In all honesty, I am trying my friend, I truly am, but nothing seems to work, Every single thing I do to get out of that situation, of mundane un-normalcy, it fails drastically. I really want to but don’t know how to get out of this.
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Yeah, I do that. I don’t know why but still, I do.
I am glad to hear that you are trying, but sad that it’s not working. Maybe tell me, what un-normalcy is for you. I am not saying I will be of any help, but I sure can try, I guess.
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Un-normacly for me right now is, not having the urge to leave my bed in the morning, not wanting to do the things I loved to do, of having lost the urge to even go out and have that damn cup of coffee, alone though it might be!
Believe me it was not the case always!
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Wait, maybe I am not understanding right – normally, you have an urge to leave the bed, to do things that you love to do and have coffee alone?
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Yeah, may be! It’s not such a big issue..
But off late, none of this matters.
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First of all, you are the first person who said they had an urge to get out of the bed.
Anyway, I don’t know which city you are in, but if you were in the same city, you would have had a company for coffee for sure, rest of the things I can’t do much. 😛
And, these things don’t matter for you now. Interesting. I need to process all this now. This is something new for me to grasp, so give me a moment.
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Hahaha tane your time.
Now you know what a weirdo you are talking to. And how people around me feel about me.
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Thanks. I will.
Meanwhile, stop calling yourself weirdo. Being a little different doesn’t make one a weirdo, it just makes them different.
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Hahaha, Roger that.
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Federer this.
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“How could I ever not fake a smile, when that was what I knew.”
The ending is both melancholic & true. On a side note, don’t forget to wince your eyes a little to fake a genuine smile 😀
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Why, thank you. 🙂
I think I have already mastered that art. Sometimes, my jaws hurt, but it is something that I can’t help. 😛
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No need to mention!
I see. I’ve been doing it for as long as I can remember, mine are quite used to fake smiles.
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Huh, you too for that long?
I wonder if its everyone or just a selected bunch? (except ofcourse the kids. I could see the ingenuity in their eyes).
Hoping that we would be able to smile from the eyes someday rather than those displaying those curved lips.
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Yeah, I hope so too. (:
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Here’s to hopeful tomorrows. 🤞🏻😁
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When I look into the mirror, I perhaps see dark circles,pimples, rashes , dry skin, getting old….oh God….it scares me🤣
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Oh no, that’s even more scarier. 😛
I hope you never get any one those and stay the ever so beautiful. 😊
Thank you for dropping by. 🙂
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😍You are always welcome ❤️
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😊
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Wow!!! That was some deep writing. I guess I am a thoughtless person. Sigh.
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Why, thank you. 🙂
Aren’t you too kind? That ‘thou…’ person you are referring is none other than me. You are way too much talented and you know it. 🙂
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Of course it would be you!!!
And hey you’re being the generous one here. Lets just say we both are way too much talented . lol 😀
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See, kind. 🙄
Why so generous? You just keep raising the bar.
I would have agreed to it, but did you look at your art work? Like mind = blowing. Hence, your talent >>>>>> my talent. Clearly. 🤷🏻♂️😁
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Interesting but depressing. Is it your thoughts, emotions or just a piece which you penned here?
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Hain na?
It’s a piece that I penned but it has its share of resemblance to my thoughts/ emotions.
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I thought so while reading.
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🙂🙂
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Very nice!!
Beautifully explained 👌🏻
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Thank you. 😆
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Fabulous post
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Why, thank you. 🙂
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It was a sublime read!
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Thank you. 🙂
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Glad to see you’re smiling these days!!
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