The Wait

“Not knowing is far worse than knowing what was wrong.”

Have you ever been in a dilemma where you want to say everything , but don’t. Because you are not sure how the person you want to say everything to would react. And that, their reaction is what scares you the most. And this being scared feeling eats you up inside, slowly. Then one moment you sit and write it all down and then again wonder just before finally hitting ‘send’, you don’t . You delete the whole thing because you don’t even want to send it by mistake and later regret, so you delete it completely. But you wonder that it might have turned it all right, if you had just sent that message. Because not knowing is far worse than knowing what was wrong, if there was anything at all. But then again, you feel that this confused state of mind is a much better place to be than making the worse of the two alternatives happen. Maybe everything is all okay. Maybe you are just over thinking. Maybe it is all in your head. You console yourself that everything is just normal.

Then one day, later the same very day, you just can’t handle this confusion that the mind is creating. The dilemma is just taxing on your work and in turn it is affecting you in more ways than you think it isn’t. And you realize that your heart is sinking and that it is being pulled down as if it is getting heavier with each moment that you are contemplating. You feel that it is not strong enough to handle such pressure; the pressure of not-knowing, the pressure of what might, the pressure of what if, the pressure of this dilemma, and everything combined. So, you sit down and search for that previously deleted text. You write it all over again anyway, trying to choose the right words but that taxing of your mind by that pressure just doesn’t let you have a proper train of thought. But somehow you write that heartfelt, or to be precise whatever is weighing you down, and finally send it, after contemplating for a few hours.

You regret immediately for even sending the message. May be it was too short, or may be it was too much, maybe it was inappropriate, but you shouldn’t have sent that in the first place.  You curse yourself for sending. Oh god, what have you done? How can i undo this? Shit! Shit! Shit! You even feel the whole universe seems to say so. You hold your head in your hands for making that mistake. But yet, you wait. You wait for a reply. Each second feels like an hour and each ticking sound of your watch makes you more and more nervous. You are this close to having a nervous breakdown. And then the status change to “Online“. Your heart skips a beat. You start to sweat. The message is now in read state. And you can feel your heart in your mouth. And yet you wait. You wait for a reply. There is none. A few seconds pass away, and yet there is no reply. You wait for more time, perhaps she is writing a lengthy reply. Or maybe it wasn’t well received and this was the end of it. And despite all that’s weighing you down, you cling to that tiny thread of hope. You keep clinging to that thread which seems to be breaking off. But there is no reply, and you find yourself falling down and everything seems to flash in front of your eyes, but you still don’t know what was the thing that you did was wrong and led to this distance. Even during that fall, your mind is making all the scenarios to make sense of all this that left you in splits. You cruse your overthinking stupid brain. And gradually, you die of overthinking and anticipation and all that overwhelming feelings. But, but.. that dilemma still haunts you even after.

______

P.S. I haven’t written for a while. It has literally been ages, since I wrote. I haven’t been able to bring myself to write. I have lost that train of thought and what  I earlier thought made it more broken. But I hope to get back to it, as soon as possible. I really apologize for not being able to read any of the blog posts. I really look forward to doing it from now on. 

 

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297 thoughts on “The Wait

  1. Man man man…
    That was awesome. I mean I tried many times to write in such manner but I failed almost every time! Your words catch my eyes till the end and I also want to admit that this kind of phase comes to everyone’s life including me.
    So keep reading and writing.
    Best wishes…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Why, thank you. 😀
      You’re too kind to say that. But I am at my writing’s worst, haven’t been ablet to pen anything. So, started off with something what I sort of was going through.
      It should make me better knowing that there is someone also going through what I did, but in retropsect, I hope no one goes through that phase, at all.

      Thank you.
      Happy Blogging. 😀

      Like

  2. That’s a legit dilemma to he honest! But you know what, things get easier when you say things not expecting any reaction from the other side. And when you get it, I’m sure we all are smart enough to either dodge it or duel with the words.
    And yes, I know that the last part of my comment is not totally relevant.

    Liked by 2 people

    • It is, is it not? I just came to know when a few people reciprocated the same.

      Yes, I understand that. But how can we not expect a reaction? I mean I would like to know the other side of the story as well, atleast an explanation or anything.
      But then again, I do get your point. Its like the last thing we want to do and then we are ready to deal with anything that comes next.

      Well, it is relevant. It’s a version of the outcome. So completely legit.

      Thanks for dropping by my blog and for reading (that too so late). 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hahaha. Yeah.
    Sometimes I pen them down and sometimes I just mentally down. Either ways I end up feeling disconnected from what I actually intend to convey.
    So I just get back to my Instagram feed, read the jokes that I’ve written and laugh at them😂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Why, thank you. 😊
      You’re too kind to say that. Really appreciate it.

      I would have recommended to read my previous posts, just that they are dark, darker and darkest. So, won’t advice that. 😬😁

      Like

  4. So glad the protagonist sent that text anyway! “After a point in time, we regret the things we don’t do, more than those that we’ve done.”(or something like that)

    Liked by 1 person

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