; The Chaos Theory

The walls screamed in their silence. The thoughts floated in the confinement, however deep they dragged in a bottomless sea. It is going to be okay, a few too many voices drowned in the silent loud screams. But among all the chaos that surrounded the empty thoughts, a silent tear gave it away. The emotions bundled so deep down, just overflowed in the tiniest speck of water. Hope! A fascinating eulogy that like an ink blot on a paper, spread with the tiniest touch of it. An emancipation of a thousand dreams or perhaps a bittersweet lie, like sand slipping through the hand. Because it is going to be alright. That is how the world works. Perhaps it does, for some while the other dwell in world apart with masked faces and acceptable attires. Because, we all want to be normal by getting society’s approval by how happy we look and how well we present ourselves. And Amid all the melodrama of a chaotic life, there is a line, a faintest line that either makes or breaks people.

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“I don’t understand why they did it?”
“They have a whole life in front of them. Then, why would they do that?”
“Don’t they think about their family?”
“What their family must be going through now?”
“It would so much painful for their loved ones, won’t it be?”
“Are they that stupid?”
“How coward can they be?”
“Tch, tch, tch”, they said feeling a little sad, for a moment though.

It’s hell. It’s a raging hell fire, a battle, a struggle to take that one step, every day. It is painful to breathe, more painful to be normal, because people demand to be normal, because being otherwise is very unnatural. And then you have to smile, smile away through (hiding) that pain, that huge burdening pain that you kept dragging behind you everywhere you went. It was perhaps the past that led to this burden, and why is it affecting the present, the future? A question that keeps haunting every waking moment. Perhaps, you finally decide to start everything afresh, everything will be different from now on, you said to yourself. You strive to make it different. You work on it, you try to give your best. But the heart is heavy with the weight, but you try to care less and fight through each string that pulls you down. Because you want to put it behind in the past and not let it affect the present and well, the future. You pretend as if everything is okay and normal and that there’s sunshine inside of you and a beautiful starry sky over your head.

But…

It was a beautiful sight. Those first rays of sunlight hitting your face, that warm embrace as it slowly rises to its glory of the morning. As the sunshine embraces you, you feel content, happy, from inside. You go to work, forgetting everything that has always pulled you down everyday, everything that stopped you from moving ahead, you move past that burden inside of you. You completely forget about everything as that cold drop of rain hits your skin. It was the first rain you felt in a very very long time. You relish every moment of it, wondering what you have missed all this while. You feel alive. It is an absolute bliss and you want to stay in this beautiful yet perfect symphony that life carefully threw at you, forever. You retire from your day under the starry skyline, as the stars twinkle in the glory of the night, a splendid sight, nonetheless, and you are sure you can tell endless stories under this dome of glittering diamonds. You finally sleep, relaxed and most importantly at peace. Sleeping never felt so relaxing.

You wake up all of a sudden as if the ground beneath you started shaking. You hope to see the beautiful sunshine from yesterday. You want to relive the previous day, each day! But, you don’t see it. There is just darkness, a familiar face you have been with for such a long long time. May be you woke up a little too early and hope that it is just a dream. But there is no sunshine whatsoever. You go to work hoping to see that glimmer of rain, that washed your past away, that washed your soul. You pray for it silently under your breath. But there isn’t any. And you retire to your home wondering to finally gaze into the endless stars and perhaps share your tiring day to the endless glittering friends far far away. But it is just dark in the sky. Not a single star. You don’t understand what is happening. You sleep, or at least try to. The whole day, the past just keeps flashing in front of you. You can’t sleep. You try to understand everything, but nothing makes sense. And in that moment when you thought you have left the past behind, comes haunting back. You try to shake it off, try your best to end that nightmare, wake up to that sunshine, dance under the rain, sing under the stars. You pray for it even though you have never been religious, but there is that familiar dark cloud over your head, that keeps following you, day and night.

You don’t understand why it keeps following you. You don’t understand why that one day it wasn’t there. Why was that day different? You don’t understand what is happening, because the past is a haunting reminder of the choices you made, which somehow decided your present and the future. You thought you could go past it, look past it, keep it locked up in the past and not look back again, ever, but it is you, your past, your memories. You want to escape this mess. You can’t listening to your horrid screams. You can’t deal with the fake smile everyday. You can’t stay bottled up all day long and write long essays on your feelings, everyday. You can’t find peace. Peace was a concept never in your mind. It has far gone and disappeared in the past. But then, how can you get past this? How can you be at peace? How can you just express? How can you finally really smile? How can you end all this mess once and for all?
The only way to end all this to end it all.

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P.S. : This post is inspired by my life, circumstances and #13ReasonsWhy. Inspired is a strong word. May be, come into picture.

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254 thoughts on “; The Chaos Theory

  1. But why. None of us are born with this chaos surrounding us, or this dark cloud above our heads. We’re all born alike, but the days that follow as we grow and evolve is what shapes us. Honestly, I feel, if you have family and friends that are all ears, just let it all out. Why must one always cave into this deep dark pit? Why not, just try everything to get out it? I don’t think ending it all, is always an option though. Should never be an option also.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Let me give a scenario:
      1. You read, you gave advice, you thought there is more to life and that ending isn’t the answer.
      2. You thought talking to people would help. But some are just too lost.
      3. So, whatever optimism you try to shower is discarded.

      #1 shows that you are optimistic and see the good things in life and want the good things to happen. Which is commendable and appreciated.
      No body wants to be in that dark pit. Only that sometimes, there is no other choice.
      Getting everything out doesn’t solve the problem. Speaking from experience, I can definitely vouch for that.
      Yes, there is always an option. And sometimes, there is just one.

      Liked by 4 people

      • I know talking doesn’t help. Some of them, don’t even know what to say, and it’s just sooo frustrating. Maybee you’re right, maybe there’s never an option. But still. Like ahhh, it’s sooo frustrating, when you want to help but don’t know how to. I just hope that everyone doesn’t cave into the pit, and give up.

        Liked by 2 people

      • Yes, that is true as well.
        People don’t know how to tell / speak up. Some feel that the person listening won’t understand. While some don’t trust the person. And a few other fear what the people / society will say.

        And I know it’s frustrating. Been trying it for so long. But people don’t speak because the trust, trusting is difficult.

        Well, I hope the same too. And I wish I could do something to help. But.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I understand how you feel, and I know how much anyone says, you won’t feel good. It has to be dealt with time, and a lot of patience. Nothing comes overnight.
        And yes I couldn’t agree more, “What’s dead may never die”

        Liked by 3 people

      • I am glad you understand.
        Well, time is a concept that is nothing but a reminder. And along the way, we look for the time to make it better butting just keeps creating more such instances. So, it jus piles up and up, eventually it just becomes a lot to deal.

        It’s a beautiful quote, is it not?
        And by it I mean the inside.

        Liked by 2 people

      • I know right!

        Oh, did I just drop the mic? 😜
        And yes, it is an intense topic and no one talks about.
        More the reason why I wrote so that people who go through the same could connect somehow, if not express themselves.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. What if there was a way to smile – genuinely smile – not because it’s expected, but because that burden of a weight is truly gone from your shoulders?

    “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” – Jesus of Nazareth

    Do you think such a thing is even possible – even thinkable at all?

    Liked by 3 people

    • 1. Well, won’t it be a beautiful day? But if only that happened more often.

      2. I have stopped believing in God a long time ago. So, if you ask me, I don’t think that it’s possible.
      But, from a mind-body-soul perspective, what Jesus means by that is to share our worries and that someone is there to hear our troubles and also that’s one way to relieve oneself with the hope that he may eventually solve the problems. Hope is what motivates people, most often.
      But hen again, I don’t have either, so.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I was thinking about your post and our following exchange; it’s really been on my mind. I must sound like the most unrelatable person to you. I’m sorry. :/ I probably should go ahead and admit that there are times – hours, days and sometimes a few days on end – when I don’t want to do what I’m supposed to do, too. It’s just that in those times, I’ve lost a proper sense of perspective. I hope that you’ll get a better sense of perspective, and that I’ll learn to keep it in mind more often.

        …And there that word is again: hope. As long as we’re living, there’s some sort of hope – hope that things will change. Hope that our eyes will be opened to a more accurate sense of reality and hope that we will learn to live by it.

        Liked by 1 person

      • You don’t have to apologise. For anything. I know what you meant and what you wanted to convey from your comment.
        And I guess, every person at one point or the other come across such a situation where such things try to bring them down. And that’s mostly the loss of a proper sense of perspective.
        The thing is I have been there and I have had a sense of perspective. Perhaps it was the wrong sense of perspective. But still, I am very clear on my perspective.

        Hope. You see, we only get a few chances to embrace it. And when we embrace it and things do work out, this hope just keeps getting stronger. But when the things don’t work out, the person starts to losing it. And nothing works out every single time, then there’s no hope left to bank on.

        But in retrospect, thank you. You are a kind and optimistic person, which is what people really need. Thanks for that. But, I am sorry, I am just too neck deep in this mess, that there’s no way out.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh thank you. You also are very kind, despite feeling neck deep in whatever the mess is that you’re in. It sounds so depressing. 😦 I wish I could wave a wand and make it feel better. May I ask what your perspective is? – I mean on life (particularly human life and its value)?

        Also, you mentioned earlier that you stopped believing in a long time ago. May I ask why? And who is the God you stopped believing in? Chances are that it’s not the same God that I “believe in” anyway, since there are so many different understandings of God.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I am a human being after all. It’s sweet of you to say that I am kind. To make things more clear, I am not a messed up person, who is lost or retarted or likewise. To put things in much more perspective, I am not a depressed person. I never have been. I have been badly affected by my life choices and how the things that didn’t work out pulled me down somehow.
        Well, if only magic was real. If only.

        Life. I know how important life is, how each person treasures their own life to the fullest of their extent. So, when you ask what it’s value is, it’s practically priceless. And I consider that no life should be taken for granted, human or otherwise, each have a specific role to play. So, if you ask me how important a life is, I would say most definitely it comes on top.

        I have stopped believing because God is not real. You may deny it, discard it, do whatever you want, but God isn’t real. I don’t see a point falling down on the knees, begging for something or the other to someone who doesn’t even exist. And if you say, God is a feeling, I would respond to it as complete BS. But, then again, like most people, you might also say that God, however unreal, is an entity that people trust to help them, guide them, nurture them, bless them, and etc etc. May be it’s psychological or likewise, but quite frankly, I don’t believe it. You want to know the God I stopped believing in? It’s Jesus Christ. And literally, all gods.
        Umm, God isn’t real. It’s a character we created to keep ourselves in check. So, yeah, the understandings of God may be different, but there has to be one in the first place to even begin with.

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      • Oh, don’t worry; I didn’t think you were retarded or anything like that. But I *did* think you were depressed. I was panicking a little because what do I say to someone in a depression. “It’s okay”? But really it’s not. “It will be okay”? But how can I know that? I guess I need to stop feeling that it’s up to me to make everyone feel better. Perhaps the best thing I can do is honestly, genuinely engage in conversation (or leave a simple comment). That would have the double effect of lifting some weight off my own shoulders, too.

        Anyways, I’m glad you see life as priceless, and I hope that you see yours as priceless, too.

        No… I don’t see God as a feeling or something else abstract. So to come to the conclusion that He doesn’t exist, did you find evidence *against* His existence, or did you simply not find any evidence in favor of it?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Well, I am not depressed. So, I don’t know what should be said to make someone feel better. And yes perhaps having a conversation would be an ideal thing to do in such a situation.

        Well, thank you.

        I have to ask you though. God. What’s your take on this?
        Yes, I did find evidence against his existence. And I didn’t find any evidence any favour of it either.

        Like

      • My take on God? That’s hard to summarize in a comment-sized bite! Well, for a start, I believe He’s real, the Creator of the universe, infinitely holy, just and loving all at the same time (which really is a potential problem for Him to be just and loving at the same time; how can a just God punish the sin as per its due, but save the sinner He loves from the punishment? Thankfully, He has a skillfully thought-out solution.) I suppose there’s a good start.

        But I’m curious as to what evidence you found against the existence of God. While it’s true that I have never sought to disprove Him, I have simply never found anything that suggests He doesn’t exist. What have you found?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Have you found anything that suggests that he does indeed exist? Please I need proof. (Show him to me please.)
        That there is a person above all and that there is heaven and there’s hell and all of us are his creation? To prove something you need to have proof, like you have to prove your own identity, SSN is it? And if you say your name is Jordy how am I supposed to believe that it’s really Jordy. You would the show me some proof that you name is this, you birth certificate is this, things like that. But have you ever asked that of God. Has he ever spoke to you? Has he ever shown himself to you? If yes, then we can have the further conversation.

        What evidence I found is facts. I see a 3 year old suffering from cancer, I question the very existence of God. I read a 5 year old kid getting raped, I ask where the fuck that God of your is. I see these innocent die and yes I ask where God is. But its all us men who are doomed and who have lost our way and God is merciful and what not, but he didn’t do shit about that 3 year old kid, or that 5 year old. Or those million others. And don’t you tell me that it’s god’s plan. That’s that biggest BS I have ever heard.

        Well, then there’s science. That’s all need for evidence.
        If you want more, I have asked, begged, prayed and offered what not for just one thing, and he couldn’t even do that.

        Like

      • You do want proof? You really do want something solid on which you could stake you beliefs? So many people seem to argue for the sake of arguing and it becomes pointless. I don’t want our discussion to be so, and so I’ll listen to your perspective and genuinely consider it and hope that you might do the same for me.

        Your argument for proof against God – the 3-year-old with cancer and the 5-year-old getting raped – it got very passionate. It was thick with passion. Though you didn’t say it in so many words, I think you want to see justice. I think you want this world to be made right.

        That shows we have a sense of morality. Where does that sense of morality come from if not from a Creator God? I’m anticipating you saying that of course you want justice; you’re human. But what would be wrong with murder, rape, earthquakes, terrorist attacks, cancer and so on if people are the result of time, chance, and the right molecules? What would be wrong about these things if we were no different from animals, plants, water, and rocks? You can’t offend/harm/sin against a handfull of gravel. And what would be wrong with murder, rape, terrorist attacks, cancer and so on if this life is all there is and afterward we simply cease to exist? Anything and everything done on earth would only be done in vain after all and it would all amount to nothing. So people might as well do as they please, acquire all the power they can and step on as many people as they need to get it. On the other hand, if we are handcrafted by God, made in His image, then we have a standard for right and wrong. And we know we *do* have such a standard because we feel it when we hear heart-wrenching news and long for it to be made right.

        I need to get some sleep, now. I’m sorry, I didn’t respond to the part of your message about personally hearing from God. Maybe another day? Remind me if I forget. Also, I’m planning to take a break from the computer tomorrow. But I anticipate reading your response, and in the meantime, I’ll think about what you’ve said.

        Goodnight (or goodmorning depending on where you are in the world).

        Liked by 1 person

      • Of course I want proof. I want proof that someone I am investing my time in is worth my time. That this someone truly exits. I don’t need much. Just a voice would do, or a presence would work as well. But, well.

        Morality. Without God we won’t have morality, is that what you are saying, to sum everything up, right? To make things clear, we weren’t born yesterday. It was an evolution of a million years. And along the way we, as humans developed something called a brain which as well adapted over the years and here we are on the moral high ground, because we can make logical decisions, we can create stuff, we can differentiate between what’s good and what’s wrong. All this not because some God told us to. NO. It was our doing. And morality, yes, since we have this thing called a brain, we created an entity that could help us being in check, and we named this entity a God. God is not real, but an adept interpretation of something superficial who is above all. Also, everything you are reading in the Bible or any other religious books are written by men like you and I, not God.

        And your argument about people taking whatever they want and doing whatever they want, they are already doing it. Murders, killings, robbery, et cetera, haven’t you seen the news. That’s why we have “LAWS” made by us, not by GOD. But, you say we are incarnation of God, in his image, we are all holy and humble and kind and nice. If we have a rational mind that could make sense of what is right and what is wrong, it is not because of God. It is how we are brought up with, it’s what we are taught to be, it’s just how we as humans work.

        I am sure that this sounds all malice to a person who is a very religious person such as yourself. But if you really thought about it, you would know that God is a figure we created to keep us in the right place. Practically, we created God in our own image. Not the other way round.

        Take your time. Meantime, probably ask God why he is so invisible all the time. And oh, Sunday it is today, so Mass would be there. What better place and time to ask, right?

        Good night/morning/evening. Have a great day yourself.

        Like

      • I just mean that some people are too busy considering their next arguments to even listen/consider what the other is saying. But you seem willing to engage in genuine discussion… as you always have seemed in your previous comments. Thank you. 🙂

        Yes, that’s a great way to sum up what I was trying to say: Without God, we wouldn’t have morality. And you’re saying that we *do* (some people) have morality without God because we evolved with brains that developed a sense of morality based on logic, right? If that’s what you’re saying, I understand, but don’t agree. Everything in life tends towards greater chaos and disorder, not the other way around. It’s the law of entropy (or second law of thermodynamics) – if you’re into that stuff. But we even see it outside of intense science, in everyday life. Bookshelves left along get dustier and degrade, American society as well as others around the would are becoming increasingly chaotic, and yes – the human brain left alone by external influence only degrades over time. Or so I am convinced, anyway. I sincerely just don’t believe the brain could have evolved as acutely as you claim all on its own. And what if – by time and chance – it just so happened to evolve with a different moral standard such that (God forbid) we viewed rape and murder and robbery as O.K. or even good? What if it just so happened that way?

        Yes, I know and agree… people are already doing as they please at the expense of others. In fact, though I obviously wasn’t there to observe society 1000 years ago, I would venture to say it may well be worse today than then. Not that it wasn’t a problem then, I just believe that things left without God’s influence tend to degrade over time.

        Your argument about human laws being established – good point. But again, I don’t think these rules came from nowhere. I’m pretty sure I’ve already said this (or at least alluded to it) but I believe they come from a sense of morality written on the human heart, which in turn comes from God.

        I’ve considered before that God is a human creation – an entity of our own creative minds. After all, mankind has created millions of other gods (just look at Hinduism) and made gods out things like money, sex, fame, etc. Why should the God of the Bible be so special? So I’ve certainly considered your perspective that we’ve created God in our own image… but when I think back on the heart-and-life transformation that He has made in me, then I know we didn’t create Him. Rather, He’s the one on the outside and we’re in His hands. There’s a Christian song with some lyrics that go something like this: “You ask me how I know He [God] lives. He lives inside my heart.” And when He lives inside one’s heart, it makes such a large difference that it can’t be ignored or denied. Of course, the person who has never experienced this can’t relate because they’ve never felt it…

        You suggested I ask God why He is so invisible all the time – particularly since yesterday was Sunday. I’m hesitant to admit it, but this thought was far from my mind yesterday. For one, I didn’t actually read your message until today. But also, I feel His presence so much – not when I look at society and all its corruption, but when I spend time with other members of the Church.

        A question that I would be more inclined to ask is why Jesus hasn’t returned yet to judge the world, set everything right and set up his kingdom and reign. It’s been a couple of thousand years, and I wonder if I will live to see it or if there will be another couple of thousand yet. It’s a glorious thought… but when I take my eyes off that eternal perspective and look at the world, the pain, the corruption, the choas, the ruin… it’s almost unbearable! I can’t imagine how much more so it would be for someone with no hope of eternal life. 😦

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      • I have come to one conclusion that the people who truly and completely believe in GOd are very rarely convinced by alternative theories, however right they might be. You really think that God is responsible for the morality of humans? I know you do, but I am sorry to say but you are absolutely wrong.
        You have no idea how much a human brain is capable of. But then again I wouldn’t be surprised since you hold that a magical entity is responsible for the creation of this majestic mind of ours.
        What if (God forbid)? If God was really concerned about how the whole world, his creation is turning out to be, he would have put an end to it. But well, it’s all on us how we view things and what we consider right and wrong. Morality is not a God’s gift, its a result of human evolution. Do you think people were all good all through the history of time? No. We have made mistakes, we have made bas decisions, we have made worst possible conclusion. But we learned from all of this. And no, God didn’t tell us to make mistakes. And no, God didn’t tell us what was right or wrong. But we made a caluculated decision on what went wrong and what could be the right way that was done. Adaptation. Evolution. Science. And entropy, yes, I agree with you on this. But then again, I don’t see God in that. Unless of course, the law was given by God.He did, didn’t he?

        Umm, right! So, we know how things were a 1000 years ago. And in the present, you are saying that things are even worse. I agree to both. But what are you doing to change that? Waiting for God to come and save humanity, give them the knowledge of what’s right and what’s wrong, give people morality, preach a few scientific laws? All this while we are waiting for a miracle to happen, what are we doing? Debating about the presence of God. The problems that were there still exist and God is no where. Meanwhile, we wait for that supernatural entity, we should do something along the way rather than complaint about how the people have turned out to be.

        Written on human heart? You lost me there. Completely. I can’t really argue on that analogy because it comes from God and arguing about it would mean that I am speaking against the almight God.
        Thank you for considering my thought for a second.
        But when you thik about the heart-life-transformation, it’s called evolution, in layman terms.
        To put it simply, that song was written by us humans. God didn’t write.
        And yes ofcourse, how can others have experienced God in their heart. They aren’t worthy of him…

        If everything good in the world is God’s creation, everything bad is also his own doing. There is no inbetween. There is no sense of morality. God can’t be too busy to ignore his own creation. Have you ever seen your parents let you be when you do something wrong? Are they like let God come and save my child? Because who are we to interfere, after all all humans are God’s creation!

        To answer your question, I would state the same I have been telling you, there is no one to come and judge the world and set everything that he created to right. Because again, God is a figment of our creation, a symbol we have associated ourselves with so that we feel that there is a higher power controlling us, watching over us, taking care of us, making us think, giving us strenth, giving us gifts, giving us salvation, … I guess we expect a lot from someone who doesn’t even exist. But well, we are humans after all, mere beings. But do tell when you have the pleasure of not feeling him inside of you but when you really see him and prove everything that I have said wrong. And we can have an elaborate chat on that wonderful meeting of yours with the Almighty God(s).

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      • I think we’re both very convinced of our own minds. To (hopefully) prevent this going back and forth to no avail, I’m going to try to respond to the spirit of your message as a whole, rather than to each individual argument.

        I think all your issues with there being a God can be traced back to that you don’t see how a loving God could be so removed from His Creation when it’s so broken and hurting and in dire need of help. Right? How *do* you think a loving God would respond (if you can just suppose for the sake of conversation that He existed)?

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      • Yeah, right!

        And actually no. I don’t have an issue with something/someone who doesn’t even exist. But to help to your cause and you question, God would have responded if he EXISTED. He surely would have given a sign (if that is the best he could do) or I don’t know take rebirth (because apparently, it just happens magically).

        I am sure I see the change or an answer or a sign, at least for the sake of this conversation, he could tell me something, like I don’t know, may be appear in a dream (because well, who can see that much light and brightness in real life anyway) or shoot me a text on my phone (I hope they have updated themselves to the latest technology, because again ofcourse, all human thoughts are God-made). I would take any of the responses. Or perhaps since you are a loyal disciple of his preaching could probably get that message from him (because then again he is just loyal to his followers even though he says he forgives the mistakes of even the non believers). Let me know when you get that text from him.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Maybe you would consider this to be a message from God (not my words, but the spirit of what I mean to communicate):

        We would never think (at least *I* would never dream of thinking) that a PC evolved from natural components without human influence. Computers are intricate and complex. We don’t doubt the need for a designer behind them. It took an intelligence even greater than a computer to make the computer: the human brain. And yet so many people fail to follow this same logic when it comes to the origin of the human brain. They think it could have evolved on its own. But no; just as the computer must come from a higher intelligence, so the human brain must also come from a higher intelligence. Time and chance aren’t a higher intelligence. They’re blind and impersonal; mere concepts . They can “create” the number six on a dice roughly 100 times for every 600 rolls, but nothing more. God is the higher intelligence responsible for the human brain, as well as for the human eye, the millions of living species, eco systems and solar systems and galaxies… I hope that you’re not completely overwhelmed by the evil and destruction in the world that you don’t notice the incredible beauty and intricacy of creation. That is God’s archive of messages to you. They’re the messages through which you might come to see His invisible qualities – let alone His mere existence. I really hope you might be able to see.

        About him not responding/interfering: Oh, but He did! 🙂 (Just probably not in the way you expect or want Him to. He doesn’t instantly kill and damn the murderer or pedophile for the same reason that He didn’t kill and damn Adam and Eve the moment they sinned. Rather, He made a way for them to be restored to Him (and to holiness) should they choose to accept His terms. And it’s the same for us. Because if you really want justice, then it’s not only the murderer and pedophile who ought to be destroyed – but you and me, too. We can’t have them destroyed and us left alone. But the same offer of being saved from destruction that is available to the murderer and pedophile is available to you and me. All that is to say that’s how God stepped in and responded to the mess of this world.

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      • I am sorry but I am not going to consider your message.

        I mean I am blown away by your dedication to the supreme power. If you have read science books, you would know how the brain has evolved over the years. But I don’t think you are going to believe in the concept of Science. Because God created the brain. Let’s just go with that, shall we?
        Frankly, I didn’t get half of the justification you said. Just like I didn’t understand how could God even exist.

        I am not overwhelmed by the evil in the world, I am not blind. Your so called God did a huge favor and gave me eyes. What a beauty these eyes are, aren’t they? But then I just saw a blind guy. He was blind since birth! What! How can God be so partial? What did that person do so wrong that he couldn’t see the beauty of the God’s creation!? I want to ask God. But I don’t believe. So, you ask your God.

        Coming back to the point at hand. Yes, I can see the beauty, I can feel the cold breeze, I can hear the melody of the morning songs of the birds, I can feel and live everything beautiful in the world. I am a human being, not a defective robot which was just programmed with one command : “There is evil in the world and there is no God”.

        Yeah, believe all you want. You are justifying thy holiness by giving the murderer, a pedophile a reason to learn and adpat themselves to the right ways of life, the Gods’ way of living in harmony. What you fail to see is that person who died in vain, the family shattered by the loss. What you fail to see is that kid who has been traumatized by this sick person. And that kid however learned the hardest lessons way too early in life and has moved on, is always broken inside!
        God! Please don’t tell me God stepped in. He/she never did. And may be never will. But for a person like you, it would he hard to believe and digest the fact. I hope you find peace in the belief you have. Because, frankly you are overlooking the very point that I am conveying and going ahead with the dice-computer theory.

        I will put this in a much simpler words and I hope you understand them :

        God, is a belief, a solace at the end of the day, a hope for the needy, a salvation for the lost, a destroyer for everything evil. He is nothing more than a belief, an incarnation of human belief, a belief that there is something good in the world, something who can make good happen in the world, something/one who can may be take away the pain, give gifts, punish, make (impossible)things happen, create human brain, create human eyes, et cetera in the form of an image / idol / person / whatnot. And nothing more. I won’t say that he doesn’t exist. Because the belief exists and as long as there is belief, there’s a God.

        So please, if you have met God personally, I am not going to believe a word you say. Sorry.

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      • First the apology: I said that I didn’t want our discussion to be pointless arguing for the sake of it… now I fear I’ve participated in the very thing I hope to avoid. I’m sorry.

        Someone said something in Church yesterday that really struck me: seek first to understand, then to be understood. I admit I’ve put far more effort into trying to articulate my words so you might understand me than what I’ve put into trying to see things through your eyes. I think things like: “I *do* understand where you’re coming from, you just need to see such and such a connection.” Now that I stop to think about it, I probably don’t understand where you’re coming from half as much as I think I do. It’s very hard for me to imagine an existence where God is no more than a creation of our own minds – it goes against what I’ve been taught from infancy and come to claim as my own firm belief.

        So, where do I start in trying to understand your viewpoint? Have you read those science books about the evolution of the human brain? How would you summarize (in as few or as many words as you care to use or have the time for)? What is the point you are conveying that I am overlooking? Maybe explain it again?

        I think you think things just are the way they are with no explanation beyond science and the natural world, right? We may ask ourselves what the meaning of life is, but it’s an illusion. There is no meaning to life. Right? …or wrong? That’s not what you would say?

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      • I don’t think you have anything to apoligise for. So, kindly don’t.

        That someone might actually make sense. Seek first to understand. Since we are talking about God, where would seek come into play when (let’s say) we understand God, starting from his very existence to the very day, along the way all the miracles he (once upon a time, 2017 years ago to be precise) did. Where did we seek God? In Holy Bibles and holy places, in manuscripts and ancient monuments, in engraved graves and paintings on the rock. But can you please share me a visible proof? That is all I am asking. And kindly refrain from saying that he is in our heart and in holy places, likewise. Please be definitive.

        You see where I am coming from? I wonder what might that be?
        So, as a child after I was born I didn’t suddenly realize that there is no thing called God. No. I went to Sunday church. I celebrated Christmas and I still do. So, it wasn’t hard for me to imagine what led to this conclusion that I don’t seem to believe in God. It has nothing to with what we were taught from childhood. What we are taught is nothing more than what was taught to the people teaching us. There is nothing in between, because apparently it is engraved in stone that this is how it should be. Have you ever thought of asking questions, or just blind faith? You would call it pure, serene and spiritual, but have you had a question so as to how, where and who? We wanted a proof to prove our own name, but we never dared to ask proof for God. why is that? Well then again, there seems to be no much that I can do otherwise for you to see the real picture.

        It’s okay that my viewpoint is not an ideal way to answer the grieving question that we both are trying so hard to defend. But, it is just simple Science. It takes a few cells to form a microorganism. A couple million years later it, each combined with one another and there is a complex microorganism called Human. But, this is in layman terms. I am not a biology student to give you the facts and the exact process of how this happened, but it sure wasn’t some “creature” decided to create another ‘creature’ in it’s own image and voila there was Man and God. Nope. But I wrote a blog post on it, if you care to read, I will share it across.

        That’s not what I think. That’s what you think. There is an explanation for everything. Science does answer a lot many but there is always an explanation. Life is not an illusion.
        There is meaning to life. Unless you dont make one.

        What wouldn’t I say?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hehe, you last line. You’re funny. X)

        I don’t quite understand you question (or was it a point) about where seek comes into play when we’re talking about God. Would you mind explaining it again?

        Visible proof. Well, I would have said creation is the proof of it’s maker. What other physical proof could there be if not all of creation from which man has made his own inventions? Perhaps that’s the problem; we know nothing in the physical realm besides that which God has made (and that which man and other creatures have made with what He first made), so we have nothing else physical to compare with what He made to be able to clearly see the difference.

        But in any case, I believe that God primarily interacts with man in the spiritual realm, *but* I’m not sure if that’s an acceptable answer to you since the spiritual can’t be observed and put to the test. (I think that’s what you meant when you asked me to refrain from saying He’s in our heart.)

        You’re really after an answer in the physical realm, right?

        I really like one particular thing that you said: “What we are taught is nothing more than what was taught to the people teaching us. There is nothing in between, because apparently it is engraved in stone that this is how it should be.” If not true in *all* cases, it certainly rings true to me in many cases. It’s certainly food for thought.

        I ask questions. I’m thinking in particular of at least two questions that I asked yesterday, and followed up on by seeking answers. Do you? Well, based on your blog posts it sure seems that you do. You seem to be a deep thinker by the standards of our age. Do you ask questions about the theory of evolution… or do you believe without second thought – another instance of blind faith.

        Based on our conversation so far, I would conclude this: you and I look at the same world around us, and draw two polar-opposite conclusions about it’s origin. I argue God created it, you argue it evolved from non-life and a few cells. Obviously, whatever happened happened in the past and we weren’t there to observe it. So in that sense, neither of us can prove what happened, right? That all has to do with the physical realm. What do you have to say about the spiritual realm? Do you believe it’s worth considering? Do you believe it’s even existent?

        To clarify, you believe that the meaning of life – for any given individual – is whatever that individual makes it to be?

        Finally, I would gladly read that blog post you wrote and referred to in your last comment.

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      • I was asking a question, but you found humour in it somehow! No worries.

        Seeking God. When you think of God what do you see, what do you picture him as. “HIM”? Or is it a “her”? How do you seek God? When you get on your knees and pray, God realizes that someone is speaking out to God, calling out to him in a way? So, my question : How are you seeking God?

        When you call a spade a spade it makes sense, but when someone says that it’s not a spade and preaches that this is a diamond and everyone believes that it a diamond, it doesn’t make sense. Because there is a fault in the concept there, that fault is made to believe since everyone else was saying so, and eventually believed so. Now A spade is a diamond. How did this come into picture? Because that one person who started believing it, believed it to be so. Now, if I realize that it’s a spade but he is calling it a diamond, I would tell him that this is actually a spade. But he is not going to listen to me because it’s a diamond. That’s what his parents told him, that’s what the people around him told him to be. So, how can I possibly say that it is a spade.

        You don’t get it. The physical proof you are showing is not the proof of God existing or creating. The physical realm is not something God made. We made God, not the other way around. We don’t have anything magical to compare us to as well. Because as per your firm belief, God was sitting around bored and decided to create light, then the universe, he was more bored and created earth, people, and gave them a mind and what not. How bored is God now that I don’t see another human magically popping out of the sky or girls getting pregnant without consumation. God. Your theory is flawed. I am bring about a few hundred books and show that Science is somehow the prime factor in the creation of man. But then again, I am trying to prove that a spade is a spade to a person who believes that a spade is a diamond.

        Spiritual realm. Sigh, now this too?

        I don’t even know why we are talking about realms when you pinch yourself and feel pain. I would love to explain why there is a “spiritual realm”. But I don’t have the patience today.

        It’s not true in all cases. And I stand by what I was telling about the existence of a magical creature.

        Perhaps you do ask questions, but perhaps you are also lead to believe in something, something you don’t to sway away from. I am not telling you to just because I have. But perhaps, you don’t want to see beyond the ‘realm’ of your taught ‘faith’.
        Blind faith, if I was the one following that, you and I would be going to Church and there would have been no elaborate discussion such as this. Do I believe without second thought? Umm, I don’t know but I am talking to someone who does.

        Whatever happened happened in the past and so we can’t prove it? I don’t know why you don’t think you can’t prove, may be perhaps you can’t, I can. And the past may be a thing of the past, but there is a present and we call prove it in the present. You show me God to prove your theory. How hard can it be? How impossible can it be? Just tell him to just apprear.
        Now, I know that you would be asking about my side of explanation, and I would be happy to prove it to you if you have a million years on your hand.

        Let’s just clarify the physical realm crisis before going to another realms!

        Yes. It is not defined by someone. It is in your own hands, and you can decide what kind of a life you want to lead and what meaning you want to give to yoru life. What did God tell about the meaning of life, by the way?

        I don’t think that post would be of much help when the mind doesn’t seem to accept alternate facts.

        To summarise, you belive in God. I don’t. There is no inbetween. There is no middle ground where we both are going to settle down at. You have your theory, I have mine. And after over 5000 words of back and forth dicsussion, we are still at the very place where we began.
        So, enlighten me what do you want to achieve?

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      • Oh, I thought it was a rhetorical question. In that case, you’re more suited to answer that question than I am. What wouldn’t you say?

        Oh, that’s fairly easy to anser then. I seek God by asking the Holy Spirit to guide and influence my thoughts in various ways. Then I read read the Bible and live my life, making a point (whenever I remember to) to keep alert as to what He might be teaching me in His Word and in His world. How would you seek God if you did? You mentioned something about trying to find answers in the past. How did you do it?

        Good point you made there with the spade-and-diamond analogy. It shows that truth is not relative; it’s objective. Either it is a spade or it is not. No matter how many people say or genuinely believe it’s a diamond: it’s not.

        I don’t have all the answers. That’s not news to you. You already knew I don’t have the answers. At times, I wish I knew just the right arguments and just the right ways to articulate them that I could show you what I’m so convinced of. But then again, I’m trying to focus more on understanding you then on making myself understood to you.

        It’s also hard – maybe you don’t think it’s hard but I do – to keep my thoughts well organized when the conversation seems to be going in so many directions at once. But the one thing that it all comes down to is this: you believe (or know) man created God; I believe (or know) God created man. Should we just focus on that?

        You said it should be easy for me to prove God exists: tell Him to appear to you. That would prove He’s not a figment of so many people’s imagination.

        To that I say that if I had authority over God, I could tell Him to appear to you and He would. But as it stands, He has authority over me, not the other way around. I can’t tell Him what to do and He does it. He tells me what to do. I suppose I could *ask* Him to appear to you… though it wouldn’t be a physical appearance of God Himself. No man can see God’s face and live. But He speaks to people in various ways. Dreams. Visions. Convictions that go against all one has ever been taught.

        I can’t make God physically appear to you. That’s just not the way He works. It sounds like such an easy cop out excuse, doesn’t it? But what can I do? If that’s the way it is, I would be fooling myself to pretend otherwise. (I probably wouldn’t fool you!) You already know I can’t make Him physically appear to you.

        So if God doesn’t physically appear to you, it’s because (a)He can’t; He doesn’t exist, (b) He can’t; He’s not that powerful (in which case He’s not who He says He is and therefore isn’t God afterall), or (c)That’s not how He works; He isn’t subject to human commands. There are probably other alternatives…

        5000 words. Wow. 😉 Do you see that as a positive thing or a negative thing?

        I suppose I might hope to be a part of helping you see the spade as a spade when you see it as a diamond. 😉 But honestly, I just keep responding because you’re a person. There’s always value in conversing with people because people are valuable.

        What about you? What keeps you coming back to write a reply every time you see a new message from me?

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      • I faintly remember the context that we were discussing here, but I am pretty sure that it was you who is supposed to tell me what I am supposed to be saying.

        Oh, that’s great. As long as you are content with what you are doing and what you want to achieve in life, it’s all fine by me. Pray, read, learn and teach, if it comes to that.
        I am not seeking God. I am way past that phase and I don’t think there’s possible anything that would make me change my mind. Past, huh? Let’s leave it there.

        Glad that you agreed. Because in a way you are believing it is a diamond.

        Yes, I am quite aware of that. I am also aware that there isn’t anyone who has all the answers. You are convinced of something. May be you should focus on that than trying to understand me, because I am going to stand my ground when it comes to the topic of God. And you know it. If you need to said again : “I don’t believe in God”. I hope this is plain enough for you to understand.

        It’s hard for everyone to keep the thoughts at bay and in check. That’s why there is God, is it not, to guide us in the path where we organize our thoughts in a chronological order, if need be? I neve said I beleived that Man created God. I know that man created God. But you believe that God created man.
        Focus on this? Pray tell to achieve what?

        You are the daughter of God, you are the creation og God. In a matter of speaking, God is the creater and in more layman terms, God is your father. The childred of God doesn’t need to have authority over GOD! They can just ask polietly. You can tell god and let me see what kind of vision he has for me. And oh….
        Now, please don’t let use this word. I don’t want to but you somehow compelled me to. Whatever you just told that no man can see God’s face and live? This Bullshit. Do you even realize why they say so? Logical deduction : There is no God and people don’t expect to see God. But I know that this might offend you on many levels and you can come at me saying that we were having a productive discussion, so I apologise I am not at all sorry. Because like I have always asked, can you PROVE it? Can anyone prove it? Let’s talk about this when you have actual proof, because there is heaven after all, right? Let me wait for the dream tonight for something interesting to happen.

        Dreams. Visions. Yeah, right? God is so scared to just come normally and tell. Instead he gives riddles and dreams to interpret things. *bows down to God and you*

        Yes, you can’t. No one can. You mean to say if he works at all?
        Those points are on point, I mean 1st and 2nd. But 3rd, he doesn’t respond to human commands? So, you or anyone praying is just as useless. He is not swayed by the tears, the deaths of people, the human mind. Because people are petty things and how can humans beg of God, pray to God and expect something miraculous to happen
        4th to infinty: I am waiting for these alternatives. And I am pretty much sure that this still wont prove anything

        I am sorry to see that you you didn’t read properly didn’t get the context of spade-diamond analogy at all. I will pray to God that you might get it. And will also pray to him that you see that the spade as a spade and not as a diamond.

        If I was God, I wonder what would have been the course of action?

        Truth. Trying to explain the truth. Which I am pretty sure isn’t going anywhere. I am very much sure that it won’t.

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      • Well, I think neither of us has proved anything to the other. No matter how much we might continue to discuss, it will probably stay that way. I think it’s best that one of us kindly close the conversation, so that’s what I’m attempting to do now.

        You’ve given me things to think about and been a relatively fair sport. 😉

        If you continue on the way of life you’ve chosen (ie. denying God), then I suppose it’s your best life now, isn’t it? What can I say to that? Enjoy it while it lasts, I guess.

        And I suppose I’ll “see” you around on your blog. Until then, take care.

        Liked by 1 person

      • You made a sound deduciton of two weeks of one-on-one discussion about the very existence of God.
        I can’t prove something that doesn’t exist that it doesn’t exist, because it not even there to begin with. But you, on the other hand might have failed to do so. But that’s alright. You possibly can’t anyway.

        I am glad to hear that you have something to think about. Ponder and do let me know if you stumble upon anything that would put me in my place.

        It’s not the best life. I don’t know who told that Life with God or without God is the best, but life has its’ own things to deal with. Enjoy while it lasts? Damn! Deep cut. I hope it doesn’t last long either. So, thank you for your utmost concern.

        Take care, yourself. 🙂

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      • Well yes, it would be difficult (impossible?) to prove that something doesn’t exist. It would mean that you would have to search all. possible. crevices – thinkable and unthinkable. Perhaps, as you said, you can’t.

        Thanks for the discussion, and sorry if I’ve frustrated you with the seemingly endless discussion. I mean that earnestly. I’m questioning whether I should have ever brought up the existence of God. It seems to have done nothing other than highlight the hopelessness you feel. 😦

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      • Yes, that is right. But it is easier to prove about something that exists, which I am still failing to see.

        I don’t think I was frustrated, not sure about you. You can bring what you feel is right and appropriate. It has not highlighted something that wasn’t there earlier. It has been there all along, so this discussion in no way affected that thought,or should I say feeling.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I told you i had a long comment ot write and well i couldn’t write it cause i was busy but i keep my words. So here goes :
    Your first few words or rather just that one line was all it took for me to die a little bit inside. I think i understand choas better than anyone and i have my reasons .Your description , just the way you have beautifully written , i love it all. You have a way with words . You don’t make people feel good or bad with what you write . You just make them feel messed up ( in a good way though !!). You make people think and i could just resonate with most of what you have wriiten .
    Those questions – When i first read it that day i had told you what happened right ? In an eerie way they remimded me of my thoughts . What i did was wrong .
    ““They have a whole life in front of them. Then, why would they do that?”
    “Don’t they think about their family?”
    “What their family must be going through now?”
    “It would so much painful for their loved ones, won’t it be?”
    “Are they that stupid?”
    “How coward can they be?”” -its almost as if you already knew what happened( but that’s not possible) So how ? How is it that what you write makes me want to cry and just get angry in an understanding sort of way .
    It is hell. A battle one must go through every second of their life.
    Its hard to be normal when there isnt mych sanity to keep you going. When you have seen to much , when you have felt too much how can you be normal like nothing ever happened . I have never learnt that game but i envy those who have . They can just pretend to be normal and live while i struggle everyday to just kee a smile on my face. A laugh doesnt come naturally to me . A smile ..never. But i want to be normal like everyone else . I want to be happy.The past leads to everyone’s burden but some people learn to let go. They learn to let that heavy burden go .It affects our future because we let it.And sometimes it never lets go.
    “Perhaps, you finally decide to start everything afresh, everything will be different from now on, you said to yourself”- yes i did. Im pretty sure by now that you are telepathic.!!!
    Everyone tries to make their life better . They all want to start afresh at one point of time. But can they ? Is it truly possible to do so without ever thinking about the past ?
    “You completely forget about everything as that cold drop of rain hits your skin. It was the first rain you felt in a very very long time. ” – hmmm … Rain in itself is a very painfully soothing occurence. Do you not feel as if the rain drops are the tears that you have never been able to shed. Do you not find comfort that the coldness of the wind resonates with that of your frozen heart . Sleep – well im an insomniac so i have never been able to sleep peacefull but i hope to ….
    Sometimes we go through everyday thinking today was better than yesterday but it is all a facade . How can everything be alright when it was never alright ever before ?” You try to understand everything, but nothing makes sense. And in that moment when you thought you have left the past behind, comes haunting back.” Yes absolutely true . So true. But i have seen many people seek comfort in that darkness. After all it is the only thing that stays with us forever.
    “You don’t understand what is happening, because the past is a haunting reminder of the choices you made, which somehow decided your present and the future. You thought you could go past it, look past it, keep it locked up in the past and not look back again, ever, but it is you, your past, your memories” -Everyone has made choices and mistakes . If only we could all turn back time. There was this one incident – I had made a choice which eventually led to me being broken beyond repair . Many years have passed since then but never have i ever forgotten that day . I told my friend that i wished i could have made a different choice. What she said truly made me understand. if i had made a different choice then i wouldnt have been hurt but then i would have never understood the harsh reality . I would still remain this innocent girl who never knew betrayal or pain. That girl is so different from who i am today . I would have never changed into who i am now. I would have never had a different outlook on life.
    Can i just say this is your best post . In fact this is the best post i have ever read.
    Old man , you have some neat tricks up your sleeve . I need writing lessons from you !!!Your posts mess with my emotions a little too much !!
    So sorry for the late reply . I know you feel im very busy and i won’t be able to talk to you . JUst bear with me k . Im going to fail if i don’t study proplerly( i understand nothing in maths !!!!)
    Anyway keep writing Mr.X ,looking forward to your next post !!

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  4. Damn! I can say a million things about this post!
    Firstly, spectacular writing. I loved how you coined each words. I could really connect with each word.
    Secondly, I totally identify with everything you wrote. I guess we all experience this one day or the other.

    And finally, it reminded me of this poem I published in my blog like a year back, addressing a similar idea. You can check that out if you want. It’s called “rise again”.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Um, what?
    It’s written really well as usual, I admit.
    But the only way to end all this is to end it all? No way. You don’t have faith or hope right now. You haven’t had any in a long time, I guess. But putting an end to what you don’t want to feel by putting an end to it all just doesn’t seem like the right way to go about it.

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    • Thank you for the line that had the compliment. 🙂

      I am sure you think so. I think so too. Many think so too. That ending (to end all problems) is never the solution to end something. But if you read the underlying context, you will understand that the terms such as ‘hope’, ‘faith’, et cetera have been broken a million times over. And in such circumstance, there is no light at the end of the tunnel and even if there is, it just doesn’t appease anymore. Those words mean nothing, I repeat NOTHING. That’s how terribly broken people get in the absence of them. I am sure you might be able to comprehend what it might feel like, how painful it might be, how difficult it gets, every morning, every breathing moment, but this does seem like a feasible solution.

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      • Not having faith and hope because it’s been broken one too many times –a concept that’s entirely too common in lives of so many. I know I come across as a preach so many times when I try to lecture people about having hope, keeping faith. But as is common for all, I have gone through episodes of being totally hopeless. But the thing is, sooner or later, I start regaining some of what’s lost. It could be hours, or days. And, I have seen so many people do the same. They start getting bits and pieces of it back. Now at the chance of coming across as a judgemental know-it-all, I have 2 theories about why people feel their situation is utterly hopeless. First, they are afraid. They don’t want to open themselves up to more chances of being in the same situation they are in right now, if that makes sense. And, second, which I am sure is most probably the case, whatever I say is bull and I don’t understand the situation at all.
        I honestly can not imagine what horribly sad lives those people must live who see off-ing themselves as the only and final solution to their miserable existence.
        So, I will stop because I obviously don’t know what I am talking about.
        This is way deeper than I initially thought.

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      • I am glad to know you have your heart in the right place.
        I am glad to know that you have overcome most of your hopeless episodes and turned to the brighter side of life. And so have most of the people you seemed to have kept in mind.
        I am glad to know that you somehow understand, or somewhat understand.
        I am also glad to know the two theories you proposed.
        So, let me break it down for you, your theories from a person who is one the verge of it :
        Firstly, yes, we (I will try to speak on their behalf, because like you I too want to understand them) are afraid to open ourselves up to more chances. Because the last time we did, it didn’t work out quite well. And it didn’t work out the next time either, or the next time either. So, you are right. We are shit scared of chances.
        Secondly, you don’t understand the situation at all.

        We are sorry to have had a such a sad life and that our miserable existence is such a bane on your happy life, happy thoughts. You probably never want to come across people like us. But, there are certain circumstances (beyond our control) that have to lead to where we are now.

        But, but if you come across a person struggling like us, you sure as hell have no fucking idea what to say or help them out. Because, they are pathetic people thinking of off-ing themselves, aren’t they?

        And I hope you never get to even imagine what they might be feeling, but I sure as hell hope that you don’t criticize for what they are going through.

        I know that you don’t care much to what I usually have to say, but I urge you to take a moment to understand that some people are broken (in your words miserable existence and sad lives ones). Help, if you can. But don’t use words like sad lives/miserable existence, because they already know that. They don’t need your approval or justification.

        Much deeper? No.
        If you stop, aren’t you sort of giving up? How about you share that bits of hope you occasionally get?
        Too much to ask for? Sorry, if you feel so.

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      • Woah. That went in a direction I wasn’t expecting. At all.
        First things first, I hadn’t meant to offend you, or anybody else for that matter.
        I didn’t call it a sad life because I think people who are in such a dark place are pathetic.
        I didn’t call it a miserable existence because I think it’s a bane on my happy life, happy thoughts.
        I am trying to sort stuff out as I go. And that’s how people see their existence to be if they are, unfortunately, in that place. I didn’t say anything new and I didn’t say anything unusual. I just said what I have heard them refer their lives and existence as. So stop being such a wussy as if I said something you haven’t thought of before.
        I am sure you will find it insulting that I am calling you a wussy here and there would have been a sarcastic comment about me calling you that in the reply, if there will be a reply, had I not pointed it out. There still might be. But that’s what you are being.
        There was a time when I wanted to write for people exactly like that. People who are sad, miserable and hopeless. I wanted to do whatever I could for them. I talk a lot. But when it comes to tact, I have none. Before I delve into a depth like that, I got to think lest I offend them. So, I thought my writing might help even though it sucked and I had no idea what I was thinking of scratching. But, it turned out, my writing sucked worse than my word vomit on their faces because, well, they are sensitive about their issues and I honestly have no idea what they are dealing with. But, that felt like giving up. So, I thought offend it is. Didn’t work out so well. People just hate it when you point out the stuff that’s been troubling them since forever. Because you have no fucking idea what they are going through and if you say a word they will probably think you are either mocking them or criticising.
        I know I can’t even imagine what those circumstances might be (in their control and out of their control) that make them want to end it all. I obviously only know people who turned to the brighter side of things and have no idea how the other half survives.
        I obviously don’t have any idea. I think we have established that already. But I should try, right? Wouldn’t I be giving up otherwise? You don’t seem to want us to give up.
        Off-ing themselves seems to upset you. Is suicide or killing themslves better?
        I had no intention of criticizing anybody. As I said, I am trying to make sense as I go. Surely there’s a clause in how to talk to/ about people who are thinking of off-ing themselves where the person who’s trying to understand the situation but is not quite there, can get the benefit of doubt when the person interested in the off-ing part thinks that all that person is trying to do is criticise?
        I had no idea people thought that me not being overtly, expressively supportive actually translates to me not caring about what they have to say. Words, I have always cared about. It’s just that instead of talking about something that’s not that happy a point in people’s lives, I try to joke around and deflect from the touchy topic. I thought that’s what people wanted in today’s world, for people to not be nosy fucks and give them time to talk about their lives as and when it’s comfortabe for them? I thought I was doing the right thing whenever I didn’t pry in people’s lives till now. Guess I was wrong about this as well.
        There was no intent of conveying approval or justification. But, duly noted.
        I happen to disagree. I obviously am not deep enough. I guess I am just a kiddie pool trying to act like an adult pool. I shouldn’t talk about stuff I have no idea about.
        I honestly thought I should have stopped then because I felt that since I don’t even have the slightest idea of what those people actually felt and went through with such a weight on their shoulders, I shouldn’t even try to comment. I won’t even touch the surface of their hurt. I had no idea it was synonymous to giving up.
        My bit of hope hasn’t worked out the couple of times I tried it with you whenever you posted something along similar lines. Obviously it’s not the right tactic. Something more is needed. I will try to figure out ways my 21 year old brain comes up with that might actually be helpful.

        I still think I should have stopped. I babbled a whole lot more than I was planning to. All the more stuff for offending people. Oh joy.
        I meant no offense. But apparently I am good at offending people without knowing.

        Like

      • Whoa. This went in the direction I was expecting, having known you. To the last word.
        I know you had your reasons for calling-out-names, but then again, as I said, they already know.

        We all are trying to sort stuff out as we go. Some are good at it, some struggle a bit, some a litle more, some have sad and miserable life.

        No, you didn’t say anything unusual or new. Why do you resort to name-calling? You calling be a wussy or a asshole doesn’t really matter. But if you have to make a point, go ahead and do it without the name calling ofcourse.

        There was a time! Past tense. If you want to help anyone, how come you would be offending them? You write quite brilliantly well, frankly speaking. So you don’t have to doubt that. Offending never works. This very enormous comment of yours is a result of it, in a way, is it not?
        Yes, I don’t know what they are going through nor does anyone except the person who is dealing with the very issue. And yes, it is difficult to imagine what is the right thing to say.

        Yes, I don’t want us to give up. Because if you give up on a person who has given up, that last fragment of hope gets taken away.

        What makes you say that it upsets me?

        Whoa! The person who is planning of off themselves doesn’t think so much as someone criticizing. They are usually a little lost people hanging on the tiny threads and when a person does seem interested in helping, they eventually do, but that needs some work.

        No one said that you didn’t care. Words, you might have always cared for, but you tried to joke about and deflect from a touchy topic. Why? People don’t like people being nosy fucks, but people don’t like jokes on them either, do they? People are complicated beings. If everything was so easy, we wouldn’t be trying to understand them better and help them or atleast try to.

        You think you are not deep enough. But you are. You just have to channel your thoughts, I guess. You might be a kiddie, but you are mature enough beyond your age. I have known you for 2 years, now? See, the point of having a discussion is not to stop talking, but to understand the weight of the topic, learn if it is something new, and take what you might learn and put it to better use, if needed. That is all, I hope you understand. Its not about criticizing or pointing fingers.

        What I am trying to tell is that nor you or I know anything. So, we try to learn from the people around us, trying to understand them and may be, try helping them. Your tiny hope might not have worked, but that shouldnt mean that you give up. If I have written such posts and I am still here talking, what does it imply?

        I am looking forward to what you come up with. Wait, you are 21 now?

        And no, you shouldn’t have stopped. If you keep thinking that you might offend people, you will eventually. So, don’t think so. Just have an open mind and convey your thoughts whenever needed.
        I know you didn’t.
        Oh boy, self criticizing now? Stop it, already.

        P.S. Do you still use your email? Or deleted it?

        Like

      • Ofcourse.
        I don’t do the name calling on purpose. It just bursts out of me as I write. Or talk. So, it’s here to stay, I guess. I don’t think I will ever make a conscious effort to check it. That’s how it is.
        Because of how I think of helping them? Sometimes, what we think is the best approach isn’t the best approach. And, people with respect to who we are trying to implement it? They don’t think so either.
        I have a hard time accepting direct compliments. I am a pistanthrophobic. So, you saying I write quite brilliantly well isn’t helping much. And, I am much more confident about my sucky writing than I used to be back then. I am talking about back then.
        And, I didn’t mean offend offend. I meant that I thought I would write even if people got offended. I wouldn’t stop just because they found something I said offensive.
        So, you saying they are devoid of hope wasn’t entirely true when us giving up on them will lead to taking away of the last fragment of hope? I guess there’s still a chance afterall.
        Because I think giving them space is important and if they think you deserve to engage in a discussion that’s close to their heart, they will have it with you eventually without you having to pry? I didn’t mean it about ignoring the touchy topic when it comes up. What I meant by that was that I try not to act like I am prying. Such discussions need to happen with willingness on the part of the person concerned. Until and unless they think they are the ones because of who it’s happening, it won’t happen. Prying and forcing doesn’t work in my opinion.
        And I don’t make people the butt of the jokes. I just joke around. There’s a huge difference, dude.
        That makes sense, yes.
        I honestly have no idea. Enlighten me.
        2 years, remember?
        But I do offend people. I don’t just think it. I do. Maybe because I don’t have a filter most of the times, maybe because I word vomit even when I know it might upset somebody, maybe because I can be a jerk when I want to be…maybe, because.
        No criticism. I am just being crassly honest.
        I am not talking to anybody using the id these days, if that’s what you are asking. It still gets used as an alternative whenever I don’t feel like giving the id with my full name somewhere.

        Like

      • My bad. I really didn’t know that it was a unconsious habit.

        I get your point. Some may never get it.

        You are a pistanthrophobic? I don’t know what to say. After all this time, I still couldn’t earn your trust. Sorry.
        Whatever helps you to write.
        But did you stop writing because someone got offended?

        Yes that’s what I am saying. They might be hanging on the last fragment of hope and if we offered even the tiniest of it, may be, may be it could multiply. It’s all a may be. But we wouldn’t know unless we tried to, right?

        Okay, in the course of few years that I have interacted with people, it is hard for them to open up. Because ‘log kya sochenge’ is a constant stopping factor always. So, for them to open up, talking to them and making them comfortable is a way we could help them to trust and eventually let them open up. If we maintain our distance, the basic thought would be that the person never did care, why would they if I open up.

        I didn’t say you did. You joking around. Yes. It does make a huge difference, dude.

        Umm, nevermind.

        Yes, 2 years.

        Sigh. I am sorry.

        Yeah, I got that you aren’t talking to anybody. Making a life, I get it. Okay.

        Like

      • Never.
        Ugh you are higher up on the pole than you started with. You have made progress. *Nods*
        Compliments, in general, are weird for me. When someone says they like this and that about me, I have been known to ignore them on several occasions. Like, I just glide over that particular sentence as if I never heard it, and hence, don’t have to respond to it. That’s how bad I am. It’s nothing personal. I just don’t know how to take compliments. Though I developed a strategy when I started writing on WordPress where I have a generic response to every comment unless it has other information, or questions, or whatever.
        I stopped writing with the intent I started with. Now I just write shit for the sake of it. This word appeals to me? Oh let’s try to write something with it in there somewhere. That lyric is so wonderful. Let’s try to incorporate in a poem, shall we? Oh that character in that novel? He gotta have a story with weird emotional baggage.
        I see your point. It makes sense. But it varies with person to person, really.
        Actually, no. There was some issue with my id. It didn’t sync for a few weeks and somehow whatever emails I might have got during that time never really made it to me when it finally did. So, all the conversations kind of stopped. I didn’t try to restart any though. There is that.

        Like

      • I see. But not at the stage where trust is there. How far away am I?

        Well, what makes you happy? Except chocolate, Ofcourse.
        You’re writing and that’s all that matters. I know that if you decide to shut the blog down or open a new one, you will move on with your life/ writing / and all, but I hope that you understand that someone complimenting you is not for their benefit or that they something in return. It is just to appreciate your talent, which you would deny Ofcourse.

        Ofcourse, it does.

        Oh I see. Okay. I know you don’t consider me as a friend or anything, but if you want to talk to someone, do shoot an email.

        Like

      • I honestly don’t know. But I used to talk to you about a lot of shit I might not have told a lot of people at the time. “Might not” because I don’t remember all the stuff I unloaded on you. And maaann, did I unload.*shakes head*
        So, that gotta count for some trust, yeah?
        Food, anything and everything. Good books. Beautiful quotes. Wonderful shayris. Fantastic poems. Freedom dancing. My pillars. Shoes. Clothes. Organization. Mess (yes, I tend to contradict myself). Stationery. DIYs. Journaling. Creating something beautiful (this one doesn’t happen all that often though).
        A lot of stuff makes me happy actually. I think I once made a post about 101 things that make me happy. I gotta revisit that. It will be fun to read, I am sure. And I recall a post with stuff that irritated me. Hm I actually want to go back and read my own posts now.
        I am still trying to get back to it. Not quite there yet. It just doesn’t flow out of me that easily now. It’s been a whole year. I haven’t written stuff I can be proud of since last June, come to think of it.
        I know. And, I understand. But I just can’t seem to shake it off.
        Maybe because people expect a lot of compliments, let’s be honest. And I am not someone who doles out compliments that I don’t think they actually deserve. Which leads to me not complimenting people all than often as I can’t fake compliment all that well. Now, as I have grown older, I had to slip in a compliment here, a compliment there I just wasn’t feeling because they were staring at me all puppy like or because the situation demanded it. Sigh what I am trying to say is, since I did the whole fake thing a handful of times myself, I can’t figure out whether a compliment is genuine or not. And hence I have trouble accepting it. Which is irrational, I know. I just can’t help it.
        You know I have this friend. We have been friends for some 8-9 odd years and we still refer to each other as acquaintance just for the heck of it.
        So, I guess you are a friend.*smirks*

        Like

      • Why are you shaking your head? Do you regret? I am still there if in case you have shit to unload.
        Some. Keyword. But not there exactly. I understand.

        Yeah I faintly remember that post.
        Then go ahead and revisit your past.

        Oh. Someone’s keeping count. You are doing a good job at writing. So keep at it. Meanwhile you might write something that you’re proud of it.

        Whoa. Compliments. Sigh. Wow.

        By your confusing analogy of your friend and yourself, I am not sure what you mean by a friend!

        Like

      • I was just remembering those thesis long emails and like 5 different threads at a time.
        I don’t actually. Life is stressful but still shit free for the most part. But thank you for your offer anyway.
        How would you even? I wrote it long back. Before I even knew of you probably.
        And, I did. Some of it is just plain weird but it’s still true for the most part.
        I am. I started the internship that ruined my writing in June.
        Hopefully.
        Hahahah what it means is that I am a weirdo. You have to learn to figure out A-talk or you will be eternally confused.
        She’s my friend, even though we call each other acquaintance. So, even though I have vehemently refused to accept you as a friend for the past 2 odd years, you are one, I guess. You just gotta infer stuff yourself sometimes when it comes to me. And you gotta learn to take me seriously and not seriously as the situation demands. *shrugs*

        Buenas noches, amigo.
        Adiós.
        (I finally acknowledged you as a friend. See?:P)

        Like

      • I remember them.

        Well. 🤷🏻‍♂️

        Oh nice. Internship. Yes you mentioned.

        Sigh. There is no manual.

        Last time I did, I didn’t get a good response. So yeah, there is no inferring when it comes to you.
        Why is that I have to learn to take you seriously?
        Got it.

        Thank you for acknowledging me as a friend. Much appreciated. 😁😁

        Like

      • That’s random.
        But, anyway, I recently met this girl from school during a get together and she went like, “OMG, YOU HAVE LOST SO MUCH WEIGHT SINCE SCHOOL”, and I have. But the thing is, I have actually put on weight in the last few months. So, even though the total effect in still ‘lost weight’, I have actually gained some.

        Like

  6. Moved by your article and the comments. I habe been working on a spoken word poetry motivated by 13 Reasons Why on bully and suicide too.
    The comments too apt and brilliant in their own individual ways!

    Like

  7. The talker and listener, are both on the inside in my humble experience.. do I choose to make noise or listen…
    your life is a ray of hope that you will know your opportunity, your chance to live to your contentment.. our times are just as constraining as ever…
    fight, hope until the last breath.. is your
    Your writing is an acknowledgement of true turmoil and for that you are brave giving and kind🙏

    Liked by 1 person

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