Flawed.

How important is love? How important is loving a person? And how much more important is loving a person who loves you unconditionally, without any expectations. Wait, a few expectations, scratch that a little too much expectations, but still loves unconditionally.

How flawed I must be to not resonate the same love? How lost I must be to not acknowledge the depth of the concern showered all over me ? How broken I must be to not understand the gravity of the emotion shared?

They said, it’s pure. They said, it’s ethereal. They said, it’s unconditionally out of the world. And yet I failed to even scratch even the surface. As far as I could remember, I have tried to maintain my distance. The text messages that kept coming like a daily ritual, only to be answered with a big sigh once a day, that too after a consistent array of messages overflowing the inbox of concern. I failed to understand. Or that time when the phone rang and I sighed a little and let the ring die out, a couple too many times. And then when left with no other choice, tried to keep the conversation to a bare minimum by using just one word answers. Or those white lies, I kept telling to put the phone down to text someone I didn’t even know or be done with the call. I failed to understand. And when I was called to be at home for holidays, how I kept evading, every time. “Why aren’t you going home for holidays“, when asked by people around me, I cooked up an ever  so brilliant story such as how my parents weren’t at home or were busy with something or whatever hit my mind at that time.

Under the cacophony of multitudes, I never even tried to understand, to be fair. With each thought that passes by, it makes me realize that there is something hauntingly broken inside of me that fails to process the emotions, the purest that there is, the feelings which should have come naturally, and yet they are nowhere to be felt. And all along, all my attempts to be a part of the crowd, to not be so messed up, in the inside, I smiled at the pleasant stories they told, got angry at the insensitivity, because anything otherwise is an abomination of human existence. And in an attempt to be normal, I wished her “Happy Mother’s Day” over a text.

_____

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42 thoughts on “Flawed.

  1. This is beautifully written – a real masterpiece I believe. I should have recognized sooner that it was about mothers, but in the first and last paragraph, there is a strikingly accurate resemblance about the way we treat God and the way He treats us. Thanks for the mind food.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. We all try to be normal …to not be so broken when that is exactly what we are inside …we try to show real human emotions when we dont really feel anything . i many not resonant with your emotions exactly but in a different way i understand how you feel .For one thing i dont believe in love …i think it is a flawed concept …
    “it makes me realize that there is something hauntingly broken inside of me that fails to process the emotions”- now this is something i completely know as i go through it everyday …everyone laughs and smiles ..while i laugh just to be a part of them …i dont feel like laughing …every smile is a strained one …i desperately search for feelings that weere never there and then i try to make up emotions just to feel human
    Wonderful post !!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sadly, there are more people in the similar boat. I had hoped no one ever to be in these plain-looking-dangerous waters. Not even you. That is why I keep on insisting you to share.
      And exactly we try to be normal by doing normal stuff, but that, this pretentious us, trying to be get in with the crowd and not to leave too many red flags of the baggage being carried,aren’t we just fooling ourselves, losing ourself. Though, to be fair we have already lost ourself. But still.

      Ah, love. The irony of my life. Let me ask you something, have you ever been in love?

      I know I shouldnt high five, but I do the same exact thing. My jaws hurt trying to smile, trying to be normal when it’s unnatural.
      You should share your emotions, you know. I keen insisting and you keep shutting me out. I wouldn’t blame you either. But I just want you to know that I am here if you need me, to listen, to give my (useless; not so helpful) thoughts or even for a shoulder to cry on( though I prefer you not cry).

      Thank you. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      • Yes , there are too many people going through the same thing .i may be selfish but i’m glad such people exist …i makes me feel like im not alone in this darkness …like im not the only broken person … ike im not the only inhuman person in this world…
        we have lost ourselves a long time ago but there is always a part of us that wants to remain who we are but in this pretentious road we walk on we may lose ourselves forever and become someone we always dread to be ..sometimes we just want to stop but no one around us does …they are all happy and carefree so why shud we be the only shattered person …i want to feel the way they do but i never can…
        The irony of your life ? Why ?
        yes i have been in love …once …and well reality hit …hard . Like i said love is just pretending to swear you’ll walk with the other person through their darkest times but in the end they always leave you in the depths unable to get up ..

        you have no idea !! Sometimes i feel so tired smiling when i dont want to that its just too much to handle ..i try to understand why i feel this way .. is there something horribly wrong with me ??
        Thanks !! You can also share anything with me …but for me to share my emotions with you might take soem time so bare with me …u ever need a hand to lift you up when your dowm ill always be there !!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Having been in this for so long and having know exactly how it feels, I have tried/will continue to help anyone to get out of this sinking ocean.
        I actually feel sad that there are people out there in this so called darkness. So that’s one of the reason, I have been trying to help you or anyone as a matter of fact.

        And yes, we have lost ourselves in this dreaded place where there seems to no light or tunnel. And again yes, we try to find ourselves amid all this chaos that surrounds us, may be find that happy place, and settle there. I have come to a ground where I am sure that there won’t be anyone when I stop, which is another reason is to why I would like to be there when you stop and look around, there might be that one person to let you cross over to the place where the grass is greener and the sky blue.
        I think you can, but it’s not that easy.

        Irony. That I can’t love even if I wanted to. And would tell anyone to stop if they ever did, which I am sure no one would anyway.

        Well, that’s nice that you have been in love. I guess that’s the concept of love that you would be there for the person through thick and thin, in light and in darkness.
        Since loving is not in my vocabulary, I will still try to be there when you need a hand to get up.

        I know right?
        I don’t think there is anything horrible wrong with you. It’s just the place we are in that’s preventing us to be normal.

        Thank you. I’ll take up that offer.
        I have understood that. I don’t even know how many times I have told you to share in this single comment. Btw I am sorry, if I keep pestering to share. I do understand that trusting is not an easy commodity, but I’ll keep insisting, until probably you block me.
        Thank you, again. 🙂
        Do know that it works both ways. So, if you need a hand, I’ll be there.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. even if i wanted to help anyone i wouldnt know how ….i myself can’t seen to do anything so i wouldn’t know what to tell others ..
    i’m glad that you will be there to help others find their way but if u found your own way while helping others it would truly be beautiful !!.
    What do you mean you can’t love anyone ? ( i know im asking you to share everything we i myself wont share anything so imm really soory ) for this …ask me one question anything …about my past my struggle anything and ill tell u . just one for now ….When you said you can’t love is it because you had a love and you lost it and you are unable to love like me …or is it because you feel that there is no emtion called love and that you can’t love anyone truly
    i know it may seem like a weird question ….you said you had another blog ….is it called CrossGear ( very weird question sry)
    Now you know where my trust issues come from ….
    no its not pestering …you are the one who probably feels annoyed by me asking you everything while i dont share anything…
    i wont block you but you might so im saying …if you ever feel like you dont want to talk to me anymore just tell me so …dont block me ..just tell me and ill leave u k.
    You need to stop thanking me for something i didnt even do !!
    Weird …i dont know but i feel like i can trust you !! For now but then im not sure whether you’ll keep that trust or break it …
    Well anyway ..thanks to you my mind cooled down after a very heated argument with my friend …reading this post of yours really helped in a weird sort of way .

    Liked by 1 person

    • First of all sorry for such a late reply. I hate giving late replies. I had gone to the match today, and I had to complete some work before I could go and then as I was replying your question stopped me in the tracks for a while. Anyhow, sorry.

      1. Neither do I know a think about how I could help anyone when I myself am sinking. But I can at least try, and if I couldn’t do much of a change, I can still be there to just listen. I think even that helps sometimes.

      Yes, that would be great. But if only, I could be saved.

      Love has always been a foreign entity to me. I have never fallen in love, or even come close to it. And I am pretty sure I won’t ever be able to. But if by some rare improbability, if I do fall in love, it will still be a one sided love. And if in very extreme rare improbability, someone else falls in love with me, I would advise them that it would be a very bad idea. Now, the reason so as to why!?
      I wish I could say something that I had fallen in love and it didn’t end well and I lost complete faith in the very concept of love. Or that love is not even an emotion and no one can truly love someone. But it is neither. How should I put it… let’s say you have an rotten apple, would you go and try to give it to someone, someone you really care about? Or would you give give it to them if they come to you asking for it? Similar case with me as well. And most importantly, though I don’t know a thing about love, I don’t feel that I am worthy of loving or even someone loving me. But then again there is the most important reason, which I am pretty sure I have told them in almost all of my blog posts. If you didn’t get it, let me know, I wouldn’t keep it in stupid analogies that never did make sense.

      But what I know is love is an emotion. And it is as real as it gets. It’s beautiful in it’s purest form, it’s still beautiful in a little messed up way, but still it is a serene feeling to have. I have not experience it, but I have seen it, in the eyes of the people, in the things they do, in the things they sacrifice, et cetera.

      I won’t be asking you any question as of now even though I want to ( because as I said, I want to help in anyway possible). I don’t think you trust me enough or else you wouldn’t give me a choice. So, I guess I will wait.

      Yes, I have two other blogs but this is not the one. And well, I thought someone said anonymity is above all, no matter what!
      You don’t have to apologize, friends rule, which I already told, remember?

      It’s alright. I am happy to answer. You are not yet convinced to tell, which I understand why. So no, I am not annoyed.

      Ouch, you’ll leave me? And I thought you said to let you know if I needed help or a hand, anytime? Ouch.

      Thank you. Finall….wait…That doubt right there about what I would do means that I am still not there. So, I guess, I still have to wait.

      And well, I am really glad that it helped you in a way. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  4. you dont have to apologize for replying late . In fact never apologize to me again !!!
    You can be saved …everone can be saved …one day you’ll find someone who will save you.

    Well i cant really speak about love as my own concept of love is very screwed up !!!You think you are not worthy enough to love ? Should one be worthy to love ? Should one be worthy for someone to love them ? i dont agree with that . If love exists it should be unconditional . Well im not going to tell you to go love someone cause hey i have been in love ….i dont plan on sending someone else on that road again and then in the end tell them ” i told you so ”
    Lets forget about love cause for me personally it doesnt exist .
    you have a more important reason for not being able to love … i dont really know what it is but i have noticed something ….about your mother …you having lived alone …i dont want to pry if you dont want to tell …but if there is anything you want to tell me or any help you require ..Mirage(not sweety !!) Will gladly help.
    I do trust you …but im decidng how much i should trust you and anyway i cant exxactly tell you my story in public ..so ill write about it in the most metaphorised form as possible …maybe you’ll understand then..
    Yeah anonymity !!1 Its just that …forget about it …very weird question ….that was my guilt imagining things .
    I said i’ll leave you if you want me to love . Otherwise ill keep annoying you everyday with my stupid problems !!!
    Doubt keeps me alive ,
    Your welcome.

    Ill ask you a question ….what if you know that you are the reason for hurting someone else unintentionally but that person also hurt you ….ok you know what forget about it …ill tell you some other time …the whole story ..then you’ll understand .
    on a more lighter note –
    What’s your passion ? What’s your most stupidest dream or ambition ?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Okay. You are using my own words I see.

      I am glad you think so. (See, the reason for calling you Sweety). But there’s no saving me. I am very much deep in this mess that no hand can reach.

      Unconditional love is that of parents. Not for people, I mean rarely for people. Yes worthy. A person kind of has to be. You are there ready to care and bare yourself in front of them, share your darkest secret and the silliest things with them, and everything under the sun and the stars, that person has to be a little more special. And I hold love to be of a superior feeling, may be because I don’t have it in me or I don’t know why, but to be of someone’s soulmate, their shadow, their light and their everything, the person sure has to be worthy of all of it, the scars, the demons, the love, the happiness and the sadness.

      Yes, I am not worthy of anyone’s. I have this baggage, this huge sinking baggage, and I wouldn’t want anyone to take down with me. Never. Ever. So, the love is practically infinity away from infinity. And that’s okay. I am not going to be on that road ever even if it is the only choice I have.

      I believe you are saying that because if your last encounter with love. But okay, we don’t have to talk about it, if you don’t want to.

      Yes, I have another reason. And it has nothing to do with my mother though. The post was about how I was unable to reciprocate the love she constantly is showering in me. Or even my dad.

      But thank you again, I will keep in mind that I could tell you if there is anything.

      I am glad that there is a progress but the needle is stuck at 1% apparently. But still okay.
      Umm, you don’t have to write about it here. You can email it me. That is if you want to, Ofcourse.
      Sure, metaphorised form works too. My mind usually doesn’t work and you want to decide your post. Sure.

      To be fair, I don’t like half conversations. It keeps bugging me. Now this anonymity will. And You do know that you can tell me anything. Even if it is the stupidest thing ever. And if you feel uncomfortable telling it in here, we can always shift to email, since sharing numbers is out of be picture.
      What guilt?

      If I want you to love again, someone or anyone specific?
      So far I haven’t heard anything about you problems, let alone stupid problems.
      Oh I see. Doubts, huh? I thought it was oxygen. But nevermind.

      And I thought the trust % just amped up, it fell back to 1%. You can’t expect me to forget about it after you have started telling about it, do you?
      Another unfinished conversation. 😐

      Passion.
      If only I had a better picture as it was. But I think I am interested in Photography. But I am way too lazy and devoid of the talent.
      Stupidest dream : To be rich to not worry about money, or any other stuff I want and travel all over the world.
      Ambition : I don’t have one.
      What about you?

      Liked by 1 person

      • People are in deep mess most of the times . If you believe nobody can help its fine cause i believe the same thing !! Just find your own way ..if you cant just try not to lose your way further.
        Do you have an email that reveals nothing about your identity ??.if you ever want to talk to me you can contact me on my email…its completely anonymous and you wont ever know my identity ..if you want just ask ill give it to you ….but then you need to create a anonymous email account too….
        Yeah sorry …i wanted to tell you but then again i dont want to burden you with my problems ..
        Guilt of what i did to a friend of mine …..im an evil person like i told you …..

        omg !! So sorry it was meant to be leave and not love . “I said i’ll leave you if you want me to leave .”So sorry i dont usually read what i have wriiten after writing it so i end up writing stupid stuff like this.
        hey i do have a problem and its stupid and i wanted to ask you about it but i cant drag you into something like this …i mean itll annoy you .
        ill tell you just not here just not today …but you have to promise me to not console me or tell me its not my fault …i want you to tell me that it is my fault ….im sooo messed today …..do you ever have days when you feel like you have had enough and you just want to hit something so badly or just hurt yourself .
        Phototgraphy !! You should send some pictures that you have taken to me ..id like to see them.
        Well my passion is listening to music.
        Stupidest dream – i want to die in a black hole
        Ambition – to just survive

        Liked by 1 person

      • Well, that’s the thing. Holding on to not get much deeper in this mess.

        Yes. I do. You are really in for anonymity. I get it. Not even a tiny crack you want to leave. Don’t worry, I already have one.

        Email : shadowsinmidnight@gmail.com

        I don’t understand. I had been screaming for such a long time to believe me that I would be there for you even if it is just to listen (with no judgements whatsoever) and yet you say that you don’t want me to burden with your problems. I don’t understand what else does being there for you and listening to you and giving my hand means? Frankly speaking, I have told you to trust me like a few too many times and I am sorry about keep insisting and I won’t do so any further. It seems like you won’t, even if you wanted to. Been trying to change that, but completely in vain.

        You say you’re an evil person but won’t tell what you did or anything . Ok. 😐

        You don’t have to apologise, ever. For anything!

        Offo. You keep given me half information with which I can’t do anything. Please, make up your mind and tell it already or don’t. Please decide. I don’t want to keep on telling you to tell me if you don’t want to.

        If you have told me what had happened I could make my own assessment and hold a fair trail to decide who is at fault and who isn’t. I will be fair. I promise. But still will see your side if things as well. Only if you told. Whenever that happens.

        What happened today? Yes. Almost everyday. Life doesn’t fail to remind me of that everyday.

        I have an Instagram account, I could share that, if you want to see some of my photos.

        http://www.instagram.com/imidnightshadow ( it is anonymous. So don’t worry. You won’t know my real identity.)
        Listening to music is a hobby, right? Passion is something that makes you do stuff, like perhaps singing. Correct me if I am wrong.
        Interesting dream.
        Well, we are poles apart on that one. But I like it nonetheless. I hope you make the best of it as well.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Well i took you up on your offer.
    Email : lightmeetsdarkness1@gmail.com
    i have explained everything there ….i didnt want to just tell you half of it …i have told you everything there so if you read it today do send your reply…you’ll understand why i said i don’t want to burdern you .
    “What happened today ?”- if i told you my entire unusual story in one day you’ll probably freak out !!
    it is a hobby for some but for me it is a passion ….i live and breathe music …i live every word of music..its a bit weird to explain but then again im a weird girl.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Why thank you. 🙂
      I just received one. Will read in some time.

      Okay, I’ll be the judge if that.

      I can handle it. So, bring it on.

      Most of the time, I even forget to play the music in my headphones, considering I spent a whooping amount of money to get a noise cancelling Headset.

      And I do understand what you say.

      Give me your playlist. I am kind of lost in search for some good music.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. You first of to tell me what genre of music you like otherwise my playlist is never ending !!!…I’ll sort it out to what you like and i’ll send it . Well if music is what you want you came to the right person !!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This post excited me greatly cause I have post named flawed too! Haha
    ..I guess I’m a bit too excited than I should be..

    But on a totally different note!

    As i read through.. I was like .. wow this is like a description of me.. its was so similar how I shut the world out and enjoy the unattachments when it suddenly hit me that it was about the injured relationship with mothers!

    ..it still feels somewhat relatable to me though!

    Liked by 1 person

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