A life withered and dying.

Disclaimer : Not what you are expecting. Don’t.

Dilemma

There comes a time when the words doesn’t make sense, when the time is too fast and when we have lost our way. Floating in the imaginary bubble that someday, anytime now that streak will hit us and the whole world would change around us. But there is no such silver lining, as they have said. Being lost is a trivial phenomenon we usually come across. The problem lies when we still float in that bubble of so called life.

Life is hard. We have heard that a lot, haven’t we? As a matter of fact, we have said it a lot many times. Probably, it was the gray area in our life and we were going through a rough patch and feel that huge burden of life pulling us down. But that phase passes away because we have struggled through it and made our way through the most complex phase of our life.

the-boundaries-of-life-and-death3

But there are certain instances when the life even though isn’t so heavy on the shoulders, we tend to feel lost. Yes, we are again in that self exploration stage and we are very much lost. We seek guidance. We get the much needed guidance, some do follow and get a different perspective at life and are out of that pickle. But some, some are so stubborn that they want to make a life on their own. This is also good, because they will go through the complex mixtures of life and since they have a steadfast heart and know where they are supposed to be going, they will strive to reach their destination. In both cases, people are successful. But they were once who have said that life is hard and nothing goes according to them. Now they will be sitting at a table clinging their glasses and are content with the life they hence earned.

Let me introduce this rare kind. I am one of those who despite knowing that life is hard and despite the guidances and every help at my disposal decided to take something else as an ambition. Death. Whoa! Wait a second! Did you exclaim that? I bet you have. But yes, I have always wanted to die. Yes, I had thought of myself driving a luxury car, living in a mansion, owning a personal jet and whatnot. But then those were dreams. Truth be told, I have never seen past myself for even a year in the future. When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years from now?”, I lie. I lie every time. I as so reserved with my decision that I haven’t told anyone. But I wait for holidays. Why? I don’t want to attract much attention. I don’t want people to know that this guy really did that. No wonder I have kept people away from me, no friends whatsoever. And love, huh, I haven’t loved myself enough, where can I get the guts to love someone else. But yes, I have loathed the people who have made bigger despite the odds, who are climbing up the walls despite the obstacles. I have envyed them. But I have never got past my obstacle that I created for myself.

Every time I ask myself what will be next year like and I would respond, I hope I don’t live long enough to find out.
Why don’t I turn my life around? I don’t know. Probably, I am stuck in that limbo and am refusing to come out. Dammit.
Why do I want to die? Interesting question. I guess, I lost hope on myself. And hate everything about me to the core.
What went so wrong? I went wrong. I decided to take the easy way out.
Why am I being such a stupid person? I wish I had an answer.
Am I mad? Yes, most definitely.

Yes, I have these questions too. I wish I had the proper answers as well. I am just bloody lost with not definitive ground beneath my feet. And I am in that place where I am sinking deep and not doing anything to swim to the shore. I am tired? No, I am just too idle to work out on what’s important and turn things around.

What would you do if you could go back in time and change one thing?
Yes, I could do that and probably slap myself hard enough to come to my senses and not to let myself so down that I get lost in the limbo of life.
But no.
I would go back even further and probably prevent a kid from dying. The very reason for my stupid survival was his death. I was the second child. But I had been the eldest for a major part of my life. But then I was told that i had a brother before me. And he died after 5 days of his birth. When I heard this, I was too young to respond or voice out any opinion. I didn’t understand life then. And that his demise was a result for my birth a year later. Or else my parents would have waited for a considerable time before they made any plans for another kid.

I realized this pretty late. And that I am the product of a death. And I have always wanted to die for as long as I remember. And this is the only reason perhaps that is holding me back from fulfilling my self proclaimed prophecy. Probably you are cursing, probably you are saying what kind of a fucked up person I am, or probably you are pitying me. Or well, you don’t give a fucking damn about this. I won’t blame you. I brought this upon myself, so I am not expecting you to show pity or give a damn about all this.

And don’t get me started on God, I have had so many trivial instances and God hasn’t been there is help in any. No wonder I have lost faith in him that very first time I learned about the death of a child. If there really was God, that wouldn’t have happened. I rest my case.

But keeping the supernatural entity at bay, we

I wish I knew how to make things better. I wish. I wish I knew how to turn things around.

PS: Why I wrote this? I don’t know. I just wanted peace, I guess.

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36 thoughts on “A life withered and dying.

  1. OMFG! This is messed up. Like,seriously. I wouldn’t go so far to say I know what you are talking about,because,well,I don’t. This seems so fictional. I mean,I have never really come across such situations. This is a big deal. A big freaking deal. All of this. I don’t even know what to say to this. If I didn’t know better,I would have assumed it was fictional. But,I guess,people do go through such shit. I am neither pitying you nor being ignorant. But I guess I might come across as either of the two.
    Are your parents responsible? I had the idea that they are great.
    And GOD. Did that supreme being really screw you over so bad?
    And you are definitely a mental case. I know that for sure. But you aren’t mad.
    So shut up. -.-
    You are so negative about yourself. It’s really a sure shot way to barrel into the pit of depression, I am telling you. You gotta stop. Like,seriously. Negativity is a *****! Atleast that’s something I can say I get. I am not talking about air and water here. I am talking about solid shit. So,stop before you ruin yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Well, it is messed up. I am messed up. Though I pretend I am not, I really am. And I can understand what you are feeling. Or perhaps I can atleast comprehend.

      No. My parents have been great. It is more about not being able to believe in oneself. They had total faith. I guess I just didn’t. My loss, I know.

      God. Oh yeah. He did. He always has been. He will. God and I have this “Let’s-screw-this-guy” kind of relationship.

      I know. I have been screaming at myself the same thing. Oh, I am mad, alright. Like screwed up mad.

      Umm, Too late. 9 years. I buried myself very deep.
      Still using asterisks, I see. Yes, I know. Positivity hasn’t been too favorable either. The supreme being made sure of that.
      I guess that ship has already sailed. Ruining is inevitable. But how bad is the question.

      I am glad about your concern and quite surprised that you actually read it and commented as well. But I am lost and stuck deep in that pit. I guess we call them, i.e. me, hopeless(?).

      Thank You, again. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      • No, you’re not. But it definitely is. No. Messed up situations don’t make people messed up. It’s just that. Messed up situations.
        Yes,you most probably can.
        Guess,faith in oneself isn’t so easy to come by. I would know.*rolls her eyes*
        Shit! I guess,it feels like it from time to time. But it really isn’t,AK! It isn’t.
        No,you’re not. I said,you’re a mental case.*wry look* And that’s what you are. But not mad.
        Seriously?!!
        Yess. I can’t let go. ๐Ÿ˜
        But since we already established that negativity is a *****,why not try something different for sometime? Even if it isn’t favorable? What’s there to lose?
        That’s generally the question,I guess. To what extent. That’s the one that’s remains unanswered until the very end. And then? It’s too late.
        Well,I said I would. What’s so surprising?:/
        Well,I wouldn’t go so far. No one, and I stress NO ONE, is hopeless. There’s always hope. Always. Believe it or not.
        Why the thank you?
        I couldn’t even bring myself to like this one. It didn’t feel right,knowing it’s not fictional.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. No. You don’t understand. The situation were fine. I messed them up. Because, duh! I messed myself up. I own the rights for that.

    Yes, it doesn’t. You would know ? You have total faith in yourself. I admire that in you.

    You know I almost believed it. I will write my encounter with the almighty whatever. But he/she/they/whatever has set their goal – “Lets-screw-this-guy”. Believe me, I have tried.

    Well, you said it. I just reciprocated it with more actual facts. Well, I am sane I guess, in a matter of speaking, but not for long.

    Yeah.
    Like what? I have exhausted myself trying. Or perhaps I haven’t tried enough. You see, I am the reason for the inevitable demise.
    Exactly and its too late for me, I guess.

    What’s surprising is that you are having exams coming up right. So I thought you wouldn’t need this shit to the already existing pressure and time.
    Haaaave you met me? As hard as it is to believe, I am that rare case.

    Thank you, for trying to help me out of this so called mess I know nothing about, despite having those exams on your head, shoulders.

    Ummm, I don’t know what to say. I had to write. I thought writing would be like letting go of that and perhaps ease the mind. It just didn’t work. It was then I realized that no matter how much I write, how many pages I tear, there is no way out.

    Like

  3. *sighs* I can not argue about this as I dunno what exactly the situations were.

    Yeah? Ask my pillars about this last week I spent at home. Anybody will freak out. It’s not all coming up roses. There’s always a mess waiting to be created. But,thanks anyway.:)

    Well,this isn’t the time to argue about this. As I said before,too,sometime,you need a miracle. That’s what you need. No stupid arguments, but a miracle to believe again.

    I know the feeling.

    Maybe. Only you can answer that. Trying is yours to classify.
    It’s not too late for you, or anybody else,silly. It’s just about an unanswered question. That’s all there’s to it.

    I didn’t know what you had in store till I read it,now did I? So,I would say,I got it whether I expected it,or wanted it,or not. And someone needs to point it all out to you even if you’re not budging from your thick headed view.*glares*
    No,there’s no rare case. Not here. No exceptions to this rule. And it’s a universal one.

    Hah now you’re talking like someone who’s not a tween. Otherwise?*shakes her head*
    Jk

    Yes,I guess you did. Hmm it generally doesn’t. I generally write fictional shit. But when I do write about my life,or myself,it feels good for a few. And then, nothing. Back to “normal”. Or just nothing sometimes.:/

    Liked by 1 person

    • Chances. Opportunities.

      Yes, there is always a mess. And we make that attempt to get out of it, don’t we? I don’t! I just let it sink in.
      You are welcome. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Haha. I have been waiting for that miracle all my life. And time is running away and there is no such miracle heading my way. There’s a shooting star exactly opposite to the world I stay in.
      But thanks. You believe and that’s a good thing.

      Yes, I can answer that and I did.
      Well, may be. But you need that light at the end of the tunnel to guide you, right? There ain’t one.

      Well, thanks for that. Stubborn, remember? Incorrigible, remember? ๐Ÿ˜›
      You clearly haven’t met me. I will prove you wrong, if you ever were to meet me.

      -_-

      I don’t write fictional. I fictionalize the things around me. I did try writing this a lot many times, in words not implying directly, hiding behind disguised words, an emotion personified but the central idea was never out. Until now. And if you have read my about me, I mentioned something in these lines – brutal truth. And the very reason for going anonymous. Because people(the few who know- a handful) know me as that chirpy guy pulling everybody’s legs and this would just blow them off.

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      • Oh?

        Okaaay. Well yeah. We do try. I did. I was kinda on the same path as yours for a couple of days. Then so many people stepped in who took it upon themselves to get me outta my flunk and sort me out. It worked out,I guess. Kinda. *shrugs*
        ๐Ÿ™‚

        Well,time will tell. ๐Ÿ™‚
        Yes,I do. That’s why I am always trying to make others believe, too,I guess. My faith does waver sometimes. But then I hold even tighter to it. It’s all a matter of faith. That’s it.

        So, FIND ONE! That’s all there is to it. You have to look for that light yourself. When there isn’t one,create an artificial one,why don’t you?

        Hmm
        No. Not gonna believe this one.-.-

        ๐Ÿ˜›

        I did now. It’s so beautifully written. So so beautifully.:)
        Hmm I get it. You’re trying to hold on to something you have come to expect:people laughing at your antics. You don’t want them to delve deeper into the shit which makes life life.
        Well,it’s your choice,as Deepika would say. So,choose away.:P

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Carpe diem ? I didn’t. I didn’t even know.

    Yes. That’s what. I had been forcibly working out it these past years. If I didn’t, then ๐Ÿ˜

    A luxury that’s being out of hand. Time.
    Yeah. It’s a good thing. Hold on tight to it.
    I lost it along the way.

    It’s just darkness everywhere. Yes, I could that, if I know how to, in the mess that I’m in.

    Umm. ๐Ÿ˜

    You think so? Why, thank you!
    Well, yes. Exactly.
    ๐Ÿ˜ฐ Really?
    And what choice do I have anyway ? ๐Ÿ˜ฅ

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    • Okaaay.*wide eyes*

      Oh gawd! It all sounds awful,all that’s coming outta your keyboard.-.-

      Hmm that it is. True.
      I am trying my best. You should try,too. It’s a beautiful feeling,somewhere when you have even a bit of it.

      Well,that remains to be seen. But the first step could be being not so defeated about it. Try,bouy,try.:)

      Hmmm.๐Ÿ˜ถ

      You’re very welcome! ๐Ÿ™‚
      I do,indeed. The word choice? Beautiful! โค
      Hmm sounds like it.*Nods*
      Uh huh.*Nods her head vigorously*
      That’s for you to decide. You will have to make these tough decisions,about choices and stuff. Nobody else can do it for you,believe me. Only you.

      P.S. Why don’t you try to reply to my comments instead of posting it as a new comment huh?๐Ÿ˜’
      I don’t get notifications for it,you know. It’s just that due to the issues with my site,I have made it a habit of checking out the comment section of all the (mostly) posts that I last commented on in case I missed a reply or two. Once my site goes back to normal,or normal for me, I would stop. And then I won’t know when somebody is replying.*gives him a dirty look*

      Liked by 1 person

      • I take it you didn’t understand? ๐Ÿ˜

        Oh. Awful .. ok. But did you get the point ?
        Umm. Yeah. Like I said I don’t know how to, where to, when to, what to. I wish I had that bit.

        You know usually people call someone hopeless. I am that. Right to the core. ๐Ÿ˜ฃ

        ๐Ÿ˜

        ๐Ÿ™‚
        ๐Ÿ™‚
        -_-
        -____-
        Yeah. I know. I did. Remember? Almost a decade ago. -_______-

        PS : Oh Damn. I thought it might have been that way, but then I want sure. Since you replied, I assumed that you got the notifs.
        Did you just write a post ? ๐Ÿ˜’

        Like

      • Umm,yeah. I mean,I got the phrase. I don’t live under a rock. But I didn’t get what you were trying to say,I guess.

        Hmm I did, kinda.:|
        But I don’t get the why.๐Ÿ˜ถ

        It’s just that. Something people say. Do you honestly think whatever people supposedly say is all true and that shit actually means something?
        I will tell you. No,it doesn’t.-.-
        They talk bull most of the times,dude. Total bull. There’s nothing called hopeless. That’s it.

        ๐Ÿ˜ถ
        ๐Ÿ˜ถ๐Ÿ˜’
        Well,every decision you make isn’t correct. And it’s past time you made a new one. A better one. One which will turn your life around. Which will move it on its axis. And,it’s not my place to tell you that. It’s yours. You need to realise this and tell yourself in clear words what you need from yourself.
        A better and optimistic attitude should be foremost. #Justsaying
        But Again. Your choice. Your decision.

        P.S. Yesss! Exactly.-.-
        Umm,no? Why do you Ask?:/

        Like

      • See you didn’t get it. When opportunities / chances come your way, people usually hold on to it, nurture it, make the best out of it. No opportunity came knocking on my door. And if it did, I didn’t even know.

        Umm. ๐Ÿ˜ถ

        If only I knew too. ๐Ÿ˜

        No. I was giving an example. I am that. Hopeless.
        You’ll change your opinion once you see me.

        Yes. I know. I do have to make a decision.
        Optimistic. Ok.

        PS. Now, you’re getting the notifs, right ?

        Like

      • No. Not necessarily. People often don’t even realise it until it’s too late. It’s not you. It’s a sign that you’re very human. (and not really a rat.:|)
        And it’s a totally shitty way to look at it. Because I can not believe for anything in this world that there were no opportunities. Yes. Maybe they weren’t all that good. Maybe not that fruitful. But they were there. And, at the risk of sounding like an a******,you can not blame it on anybody but yourself. As I do me. And everybody else would too,if for a little bit of faith. And since you already know I am mean,I said that without much fuss.*shrugs*
        ๐Ÿ˜ถ
        *sighs*
        You need to. That’s the only way for this to Work out,this plan,this life.
        No,I won’t. I am very opinionated. And strongly so. I don’t easily budge from my views.๐Ÿ˜
        Yes,finally!
        P.S. Yes,I am.

        Like

      • Yes. You’re right. ( But, you’re a ratgirl ).
        It’s a way of saying that there were few or no opportunities. I didn’t see them coming or there weren’t even one.

        There weren’t any. ๐Ÿ˜ถ. Yeah. I’m blaming it on me only right.

        Yeah. I guess I know.
        You’ll when you meet me.

        Hmm
        PS : ๐Ÿ‘

        Like

      • No. I dunno. I dunno anymore.๐Ÿ˜ถ
        My head feels wrong right now. It’s getting messed up with the stress. I am working on an assignment right now and I have another one which I haven’t even started yet. I have to submit these tomorrow. I am so screwed.
        Yeah,yeah.*sighs*

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  5. Wait, you await death. Go in front of the mirror and look at yourself, your skin is ready to take on any scars as long as you make good memories while doing all of it, your hands are ready to grab any opportunity, your legs are strong enough to to walk on the most crazy terrain. Life is too good, don’t call your death on you. Mr.
    Good luck.
    And smile, while you still have teeth.
    And don’t forget to eat ice creams in midnight.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes.

      The more I try to find reasons to love myself, the more reasons I find to not do that.
      Yes, you’re right about everything. I might do something, change things around and may be enjoy life.
      I am that guy who lost all hope on myself, not now, but a few years ago. So, totally lost.

      Thanks again. Smiling is hard, when the pain inside is killing.

      I’m grateful for your kindness, really appreciate the positivity. Thanks.:)
      PS : I’ve tonsils, so I stopped eating ice cream. ๐Ÿ˜

      Like

  6. I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but these words have connected me to you in a way that is difficult to explain. Do I understand your pain? yes and no. I understand the appeal in the answer death gives. He, like a gentlemen, offers his hand to those willing to take it. My little voice urges you to refrain from taking his hand — pass up the waltz — the macabre dance will be waiting for that time when you are seasoned for the passage. I’m not sure how familiar you are with Hamlet, but your monologue reminded me of several of his soliloquys.These lines especially were brought to my mind:
    “Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt/ Thaw and resolve itself into a dew!”
    “And thus the native hue of resolution/ Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought.”
    I will not try to feed you fat with banal platitudes; rather, all I will suggest is to wrap yourself in words. Find words to read. Find words to write. I leave you with some words from a poem I wrote during a dark time. I hope they bring you some remnant of peace.

    “And yet, timeโ€™s healing
    Forgiveness,
    In scraps and patches,
    Stops the bleeding,
    Salves the pain,
    And baptizes the darkness
    Of my starless night.
    Words will find me;
    Words like water
    Will wash me clean.”

    Liked by 2 people

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